Hi, At the End of My Tether

I've read a lot of your posts over the last few months and while I've never experienced what you are going through, I just wanted to offer a different perspective that you might not have considered. Is it possible that in your excitement that a match is going to be made, you think of it in your mind from the very beginning as an actual match before it actually is a match? Meaning, you approach possible situations as "yes! We've been matched!" rather than "Here's a possibility and if xx and xx happens, THEN we might have a match?" I think often in life, because of our emotions, we so want things to be what we have so longed for them to be that we sometimes don't see the logisitical side of things and they really aren't what we saw, but our hearts kind of trick us. Does that make sense? So I just wondered if maybe you are approaching the original contact as a match and then when it turns out not to really be a match, you take it hard because in your heart, it seems like it was a match and now a failed situation. And maybe you need to approach every situation as a "This woman contacted me and it might be a match, but until xx or xx is confirmed, it's NOT a match" It might make a difference in your approach and emotions? Because if it was never a match to begin with, it's not really a failed situation. It's simply a possibility that never panned out. Like I said, I don't have your experience, but I know when we were looking for our kids, I would get excited about pictures and profiles of kids that really were never going to be our kids and yet my heart really felt they were. I had to guard that more and try to approach it from the logistical side. Which isn't easy!!! Not at all...but it did help me deal with the wait. I'm sorry you are having a rough time!

Crick, you are exactly right. My best friend and my sister sort of staged an intervention. I would say 2 our of 5 of our situations we came so close in reality (obviously having the baby with us once) but now I'm in a place that for sure I feel like THIS IS IT every time!!!! Each time I get UP and then crash. I wrote on the big board that my new philosophy is this: I'm going to see it as summer. I know summer is coming, It is my favorite season. I can just lay back and trust because I know it will come. I don't have to obsess over it....I can just be. It can just be. Because I trust it will come! By the way I don't think I can take a break because we got Bullhead PBM's med records yesterday. 21 pages and reviewed by a very good pediatric inf. disease person....and a few of her colleagues AND she's GREAT. Whatever small problems she has are nothing and the baby seems great. BUT I can't let myself go crazy here because there are too many variables: four months to go, we haven't contacted the birth father, she can always change her mind etc... SOOOOO I'm just sitting here knowing summer will come. Seriously I have a lot of support here keeping me steady. Both at home and on the boards. THANK YOU FROM MY HEART. If this doesn't work we'll take that vacation for sure!!!!

Stormster, I can't wait until the time when you are placed and you look back in your old posts and think to yourself "summer REALLY DID COME" and I'm such a strong and committed mother because it took it's time. For sure, honey, it's coming. The flowers are right underneat the 3" of ice that's kept my kids out of school for the last 3 days. Sending my support . . . Josie

Crick you have posted exactly what I have been trying to put into words over the last few days. I have successfully privately adopted a newborn and I know from experience that you HAVE to have strict guidelines for what your involvement will be from the go when you hear of potential situations. If you don't you will find yourself deeply in debt and bouncing from one deal to the next. Time for an internet intervention: Storm, None of the sitautions you have posted have appeared to me to have even a low probability of working out. If you are going to do this privately you have to be able to discern the difference between low chance possibilities and high chance probabilities. None of the sitatuations you have described would even remotely come close to a failed or contested situation. The Texas experience you had was (from what I read) a very short time (less than 24 hours) of knowing about the potential situation and then a huge response of going to Texas, renting a hotel room, naming the baby, providing a rental car for the father, etc... when you actually only knew about the potential for less than a day. As you said, the Mom was in the hotel with you (down the hall) and was legally parenting the baby. They didn't "place" the baby with you in any way so you can't take it to heart that you have had a failed placement. A failed placement is a placement where there was actual legal moves to legally give you custody of the child with intent to place for adoption and THEN the parents decide to parent. If you are going to respond to the potential situations with a huge response of time, emotion, and money you are going to get slammed each and every time. If you don't have the descretion to be able to tell the difference I would STRONGLY encourage you to either enlist an agency and have them do ALL of the contact and screening of the potential situations OR ONLY agree to becoming involved with a situation if the parental rights are already severed and the child is legally free for adoption. I guess what I'm saying is don't over react to the possibilities that come your way. Adoption is a long hard road and you will come across MANY different situations in your journey. Most if not all of private adoption contacts will be situations that don't work out. Set boundaries for yourself on what you expect and stick to them. Be very selective about where you invest your time and money. Your purpose in adoption is to become available to parents who are unwilling or unable to parent their child. You should NOT become a part of deciding or influencing their willingness or ability to parent. NOTHING you do is going to make the unwilling or unable to parent. They have to come to this themselves. Your role is to be available if they should come to the decision that they can't parent. This shouldn't be the enormous struggle you are setting up. Get your family adoption ready by doing the paperwork to legally be able to have a child placed. Advertise as you can and (I would highly encourage) get an experienced adoption worker to do everything you have been doing the last couple of months such as communicating with the expectant couple and ascertaining needed med info. Stay out of the rest of the drama and I think you will see that this process will be much less dramatic and painful. It takes time and that's okay. You are relatively very new to the process and you may have years ahead of you before the right situation come along. Get prepared to parent then sit back and take it VERY slow and easy. Nan

I needed to hear that.:thanks:

Gwenn: I've not ever gone through what you are experiencing, and I"m sorry that this is being such a roller-coaster. We have had failed situations, but they hit hard and crashed pretty soon afterwards. However, more than one poster has suggested that you might want to consider using an agency. I'd greatly second that approach, as well as consider using an attorney as a resource as well. We've adopted several times, and while I don't know what specifics you are wanting in a baby, I can tell you that they've all come pretty quickly---even though for almost 18 months, we had a devestating setback. I often wonder if trying to adopt independently is very risky, and can be a lot more emotionally draining? Just giving my own two-cents here. Most Sincerely, Linny

Wish you lived near me, I would take you for a girls night out... just relax.... Maybe a bottle of wine and hotel that has a jaquizzi we could hang out in and get silly There is no one on these boards I would love to reach out and put my arms around as much as I do you. My favorite saying is, Life is what you make of it, not what you let it make you. So give yourself a shake/shiver... If you put yourself in the funny farm before your baby can find you, what good will that do any of us in your cheering section?? We are here, rooting for you.... since from another post seems we are all "heavy" Imagine in GOOD HUMOR no one flame me!! All of us in our cheering outfits, and pom poms... Till your the season (winter) is over, and you will be the champion!! I told you, he is coming in another post back a little while ago, don't you loose faith on me. You MUST take care of yourself, and that means mentally. You need to find a way to see these things as someone else in a earlier post sort of suggested. Find a way to better handle it all, I can't begin to understand. So I honestly can just guess on some of the suggestions on what will help. I am saying this... STOP! not the search and wait.. but yourself from running at 300 miles an hour emotionally, I also know no doubt it's already effecting everything else in your life. Eatings, sleeping, and so on. Please after all you have been through, don't let it wear you down. You need to be strong and healthy for when he comes home. Keep the faith... it will happen.

Just wanted to mention that NY does not have many adoption agencies and most people do independent adoption because the waiting list is soooo long at the agencies. After years of infertility and getting older we just didn't want to wait another 2 to 2.5 years! That said, I know for a fact I could protect myself better emotionally. It might require the risk of losing some potential matches but I think that's better than another nightmare. I am also on our attorney's back to protect us better (he's not thrilled). And I don't care! Plus God won't let the right child slip through our hands! Last night I had half a bottle of Chianti and pizza with DH (God Bless That Man!) but I think a hotel, jacuzzi and good old girlchat would be even better!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE :love: PS did I tell you I sent a prepaid phone to our PBM? Couldn't even contact her to tell her it was coming! Hopefully she'll be there to sign for it and call us more often!

Gwenn, So, since you sent a phone card and you said PBM, are you matched? Is this the one due May/July? Do you HAVE to use an agy in NY? Why couldn't you use one somewhere else? Before we got DS, we very nearly used an agy in FL (we live in OH).

Gwenn You can use agencies in other States. To my knowledge there isn't any requirement in your State that you have to use an agency licensed in your State. Every pre adoptive parent has the same challenge of picking an appropriate agency or attorney and being put into the mix of potential adoptive parents. The wait will be the same whether you are in NY or in NM. I don't believe there is any research to suggest that a private adoption results in a shorter wait time. You have discussed at length a number of "one right after another" crisis situations with the expectant parent and parents considering adoption that have resulted in very costly and emotionally difficult involvements that have not resulted in a child being placed. My suggestion to you is that you consider working with adoption professionals and turning over ALL of the contact with the EPCA's other than the initial contact where you give them your info and let them know you are possibly available to parent their child if they are unable or unwilling to do it. It doesn't take the level of crisis involvement you have been a part of over the last two months to have a child placed with you. My support to you is to encourage you to save your time, money, and energy for the baby and let folks who do this for a living take over. Spend your funds on enlisting agents that will do what you have been unable to do. Nan

Our PBM got the phone and called us immediately. We had our first nice relaxed chat and it was great. All medical records have been approved and now we have to deal with the BF issue which seems very straight forward I dare say. If this is it i'm so glad we have four months to get our heads on straight. :rockband: yeah can't help it I feel a little hopeful!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you - and my toes!

Storm, there's no way around it. Private adoption is tough. I searched privately and through an agency. I received far more leads privately, but had to weed through them on my own, with many of them being expectant moms' first contacts after considering adoption. Throughout the journey, I suffered a lot of disappointments, including one revocation of consent after placement (agency adoption), one failed match at birth, and one failed match after picking the baby up from the mom's agency (3 weeks old). The last 2 failures came within a couple of months of each other, and were accompanied by what seemed like a flurry of potential situations, ultimately culminating in the match with my Little Lamb's birthmom in December. Hang in there. . . I figured that the level of (frustrating, disappointing) activity I was encountering meant that something good was being stirred up, and I was right. Maybe the same thing is happening for you! Char

Thanks, I def. feel more relaxed now and sure it's coming. It's a great feeling. I think for sure our June baby is coming and if not, another one will be soon. Your story sounds heartbreaking. I def. see what you mean about feeling like the first person the PBM talks to after considering adoption. We actually heard from a bunch of young twenty something women who we felt were still deciding but at the same time leading us to believe we might be chosen. I'm getting wise....there was a cost. But I know that each step we get CLOSER. Lots of love, Gwenn

Gwenn,That is good news about the med records. Now take a deep breath and take one day at a time. Remember that we can not control our destiny only God knows what will happen. I feel good about this one. You sound different this time. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings as that is not my intention, but you don't sound as desperate. Maybe that is why it has taken until now to have this young lady find you? We can't wait to hear all the good news as it happens.