Can anyone relate?

I'll give you a little about myself, I was 8 months old when I was placed into foster care with the best family in the world ever. I never moved around like other children, I stayed with this one family for my entire life until I was discharged at the age of 18. When I speak of family, they are who I am refering to.

My mother never told me any different either, the only difference in our situations is, I had visits with my bmother and once I turned 12, I told the judge I didn't want to visit with her any more and I was granted that. I didn't want to visit with her because she didn't visit with me she stay'd in the bed with her boyfriend drugged up and only got out when it was time for me to go home.

I think for your health reason you should find out who your bmother is and if after meeting her you chose to not see her any more, then that's your choice but my family has/had alot of illness that I was unaware of and now those illness has affected me and will affect my children. I didn't know I had Sickle Cell trait until I had my son at age 25 when he was born with the trait, so as you see, it's important for the health reasons. Also, I have recently been placed on a breathing machine because my bfamily has a history of sleep apnea, female probelms (all my children were born via C-section) and I just recently found out that my son has a slight curve at the base of his spine and that's once again something from the family that he and I will suffer with for the rest of our lives.

So I'm sorry for carrying this out sooo long, but I think it's a good idea and what you decide after meeting her is your choice, just remember that you have the upper hand in the situation, what ever you chose is what will be set forth in motion.

Good luck with your future endeavos.

37 and now a foster/adopted mom of my husbands 3 neices.

The cycle continues.

I do not think you are being cold at all. Everyone has a right to there on feelings. I felt it was not necessary to involve myself with my biologicals either. When I met them, things did change. I felt a connection like never before. It was also interesting to look so much like them. Needless to say, you cannot undo the past and although we look alike and have a lot in common, there is no shared history. family by fe

Women and men often marry people they have no shared history with. People they often have next to nothing in common with and still make a relationship. When a person marries they accept entire families they have nothing in common with for no other reason then they love a man or woman. So shared history or not, shouldn't come into play when deciding to have a relationship or not.

Scarletmoon, In one of your posts you write that DNA, genes etc from birthfamily have more today with the way you are as an adult. I beg to differ as research has also proven that 'nuture' can have an equal effect as nature. I have seen evidence of this myself in other adoptee's and myself, I could not be more like my a mother if I tryed, she has passed away now sadly but out of three sisters I am more like her in and her ways than her bio daughter, even my sister jokes about it. Nuture has a very strong influence on people it could be argued as much as genes, it's the old debate: nature versus nurture. Renda

What I am saying does not dimmished the way parents bio or adoptive love and raise us. Science itself is surprised how much we are out DNA. Every new article I read ups the percentage. I am just as surprised as anyone. That doesn't mean you will be exactly, though it can happen, like one birth parent or another. It means you are going to be more then 50 percent your biological family. ALL of them for a number of generations back. Other then the obvious, looking like, walking like, sounding like, same eye color, body shape, the physical stuff that only some of which can be changed by surgery. There is sense of humor, some built in food likes and dislikes. We can learn to like other foods but some of that is hard wired too. Then there is the thought process. I was very surprised to find my birthson thinks the way I do, comes to the same conclusions. He is more like me then the kids I raised. And his aparents are the same age as his bio grandparents. Of my children my birthson is the only republican, LOL and a hard nosed one at that, JUST, exactly like my father. Now, I was raised by my mother, I don't know how she voted. So that can be totally learned. So that may be the generation of his adoptive parents and bio grandparents. The point I was making, good parenting can make us the BEST we were BORN to be. In the nurturing we learn from our parents. If those parents have a similar background as the birth family then you aren't going to see any big difference. It is more obvious when afam and bfam are opposite. Then you can see the sameness and the difference more. If birth parents had the same kind of love and nurture as the birth child you see more sameness. If the birth family mom or dad had bad childhoods you may not see any sameness. Unless they made changes themselves as adults. Choice of jobs, partners, all these things can be part of your DNA. This has been proven by researchers who have interviewed reunited twins (identical) who were separated at birth. The twins often marry spouses with the same names, work the same jobs, get the same grades, where the same clothes and buy the same cars. It doesn't matter if the aparents were rich for one twin and poor for the other. DNA counts big time. Health, intelligence, personality. The family we are raised in bio or adoptive, can make us the best or worse we are born to be. That is the love, learning and training of the child. Sometimes it is good to look at it this way, if the adoptee's birthmother or father had the same love and advantages as the adoptee, would they be more alike?

I still think this is a great thread topic-wise, despite the original poster no longer visiting the forums!! I have a lot to say about this...but I want to maintain a level of respect for the poster. There are other ways to get info than by contacting your mother directly: You're right, there are. In the lovely state of NY, you can get your non-identifying information, with any and all important or desired info. blacked out. Then you can spend close to thousands of dollars to hire a lawyer and unsuccessfully petition the courts. I have to tell you that you're not 100% correct in that statement. I am in contact with a search angel who has offered to help me further my search, but as of right now, I have exhausted my free, legal search methods & my search is at a complete stand-still. So no, there really are NOT "other ways."

it would be incredibly cruel to use her for information and leave her when you had your needs met: I think that it is incredibly cruel to deny the rights of adopted persons by sealing their records and never allowing to them to have access to information that they are entitled to simply because they were born.

I already feel sorry for this poor woman that you are about to disrupt emotionally for your own ends: If I ever have the opportunity to contact my biological mother, I would have to think long and hard about the best way to do it, so that I could avoid disrupting her life as much as possible. I respect her need for privacy and I respect her choices and the prospect that she has a marriage, other children, etc. I am 99% sure that she has kept me a secret since my birth - that she has not told ANYONE in her "new life" that she relinquished a child for adoption. On the other hand, though, I wouldn't feel badly or apologize for contacting her. Part of her had to understand that, one day, I may attempt to find her. It goes with the territory I think. I will never apologize for being curious about biological family, and I will absolutely never ever ever apologize for wanting medical history. I do not think the original poster had the intention of ever "using" her biological mother. I understand the need to ask questions, get answers, and not follow this up with a relationship. I don't want a relationship. I would, however, be more open to a very guarded relationship [more like an "acquaintance-ship" is such a word existed] with half-siblings, if I had any. I don't feel guilty for wanting answers but not wanting a relationship - I think this is normal and acceptable and appropriate.

wow!all the thoughts running through my head! If you see my signature and compare it to my previous post in this thread, i'm no longer searching for my birth family! I will be meeting my 3 birth sisters in June. They NEVER knew about me. I talk to the middle sister, Julie, once a week - or more - on the phone. It's amazing to me that we both love to read (and have devoured many a good book) we like the same genres/authors and like to use big words (LOL)we have the same sense of humor (but so do my brother and sister and i) I wish there was a way to have the weekend video taped so I can go back and watch it and notice similar gestures (if any) etc...I'm taking my sister along - she said someone needs to be clear headed enough to take pictures LOL I'll get back to you on the DNA similarities after our reunion

Scarletmoon, What I was trying to say was, Yes I agree that DNA has a strong part of our makeup, looks, mannerisms etc as you describe. But what I want to emphasise is the effect of nurture, and it has been proven to be very strong also effecting the way we think etc. How can I have the same way with life that my a mother had?, that's purely from being with her almost all my life, my other sister says often "you are just like mum". All that can only be down to nurture. We also can pick up other things from parents (a) as I now of a woman who has a very deep voice, that came about through a throat problem, her bio daughter who has been brought up with her has the same pitch of voice exactly and it is not due to genetics at all. That is just a small example of how we are effected when growing up with people. Yes Dna has effects of course, but nuture and growing up with people can also have the same strong effect. renda

Renda, How you were raised is important but dna is what makes us - us. I was very similar in nature to my dad so I spent time with him and learned incredible lessons on life but I have also found out that my mother also had very similar interests. Nurture vs Nature - no - just a wonderful coincidence. DNA on the otherhand is not coincidence. So many adoptees have medical issues that are mis-diagnosed, or totally ignored because there is no medical history to confirm. I have no idea how many people told me I was "too young to have heart problems"; "too young to have had a heart attack and stroke"...and then to be told that I had a "rare disease" and that it ran in families so they believe it is genetic...DNA counts far more than nurture on who we are physically and if you don't have your health... Kind regards,Dickons

We can train voices, singers do it all the time. But if a singer uses a lower register for their voice too long it can ruin what nature gave them, and it can become permanent. Threre are lots of people that happens too. Yelling can lower the voice, booze, smoking, trauma. Nurture is important. No one is saying it isn't. But it is shocking how much of us is automatic, built in, some things we don't control, some things about us can be forced to change. I did not expect my birth son to be anything like me at all. I have to say I was even surprised how much he looked like his younger brother, and they have different fathers. Yes, we do take on some mannerism of the people we live with and around. If you are born in Canada, but grow up in Mississippi, you will talk with a southern accent not a Canadian one. If you are raised drinking tea you may prefer it, or just drink it because everyone else does. My mother drank and was mean when drunk. I don't drink alcohol and even when I tried it when I was young. wasn't ever mean, silly but not mean. We are what we are. That is OKAY, adoptive parents know their children may be different then they are. Yes they may pick out things to say my daughter does this just like me or that just like her dad. Often adoptees make an effort to be more like the adoptive parents, it is human nature to please, to fit in. When I met my son his mom, a wonderful woman, remarked how people said their smiles were similar. I said that was wonderful, but I thought, he has my smile exactly. But I would not for the world hurt her by saying so. But she did notice when she met my younger son that they looked alike, had pictures alike. Oh, even had baby pictures in the same, almost exactly the same outfit. Did we just shop at the same store, or maybe just the same taste in baby clothes. Anyway, YES nurture can be the changing point in any child's life. But sometimes, no matter how good a parent you are, the child bio or adopted, will do whatever the darn well please.

This is the reason no adoption should be totally closed. Obviously children in danger need to be kept safe, but adoptive parents should always be able to access informaiton when and if they need it. No lawyers to get it, no courts, just fill out a form and the information is given. That way should those medical issues come up, or a child is having a hard time and needs to know, the information can be gotten for them.

Hi ScarletMoon, You are right there should be no closed adoptions, but yet you are only stating the 'child' should never be in danger and adoptive parents should be able to get the info...I was 43...not a child by any stretch of the imagination. So many adopted babies from the 50/60/70's are now at the age when they need their info so the doctors can care for them completely - not just as a blank slate with only childhood illnesses to guide them. Kind regards,Dickons

All adoptions should be open at the very least 18. Or never closed. They need to go back and open adoptions that they closed. Today with some adoptions being out of foster care and the concern about the reasons in the first place those are the ones that need aparents to have all info, even if the birthparents cannot be given that info. If should be available easily for aparents and adoptees. All voluntary adoptions should be open and never closed. When they did the great blanket closing in the ? late 40s or the 50s I don't remember when they did it. But they closed all previous adoptions. When no one had ever expected such a thing. That should have never been done either. I agree older adoptions are closed and it often says 21 is the age you cannot even look. Becasue that used to be the age of majority.

:cowboy: Howdy. It's getting frustrating. I turned 26 in February, and married last year. However, somethings missing. I was takin by the San Mateo County Child Services in CA in 1984. Adopted thru a fost-adopt program I now live in Colorado. I'm trying to find my birth mom Cathy Hope Nickel. I was wondering if anyone can help. My wife is supportive on my decision to search for her. I want to get to know her. My research on this site has indicated that she's trying to find me. Her last known locale is in the Reno, NV area. Can anyone please help me out? :thanks:

check out birth certs, marriage licenses, it is still legal to do so, google the name, look in the social security death index for her name, and you can put a personals ad in the paper, use a po box to for safety