I've gotten off the roller coaster!

I ran across this thread today and re-read some of the posts from over a year ago. Just thought I'd *bump* this and see how everyone is doing. Lost_2010 - Are you still out there? :prop:

Yes, thats exactly what I have been doing... I think today I have finally realized after 3 years that I cant be the only one giving my all in this relationship. Now that he has a new son ( no relationship with mother) , the waters have gotten even muddier for me.. :(

Hello Moonbeam_1,I am still around and check the boards daily. You could say I've been a ghost on the forum. I have been trying to heal through therapy, in hopes I will be able to let go of the feeling of personal rejection and live more fully in the present. It is helping but the pain sometimes comes in an overwhelming wave when I least expect it. I have survived on my my whole life, and suffer from the " I can handle everything myself" syndrome. Thank you for reminding me to use my voice in connection with others on this forum. The people here truly saved my sanity and helped me continue to function during terrible loss. I felt supported and am forever grateful. The community is amazing. I reached out and someone I have never met extended a hand. Beautiful. I was not alone in my adoption and reunion experience, joy, and pain for the very first time in my life. How are you, PADJ, murphymalone and Ravensong all doing?

I am still here. I haven't been posting as much because to tell you the truth I am tired of the draining of my wound. It's like being attached to tubes waiting for the "infection" to seep out of you. I am fed up with explaining, attempting to rationalize and have realized that there will be no true "resolution" to the situation. It's like being robbed. My birth family is preoccupied with the events in their lives and I didn't get an invitation. I am an outsider plain and simple. I am sick to death of it all. If your soul has been invaded by circumstances of which you have no control going back to the scene of crime and picking through the refuse doesn't make the crime go away. I have to stay away from commenting on some of the nonsense I read about how people who are adopted are treated. It's like listening to a politician attempting to explain corruption while you have the proof right in front of you that they are corrupt. I have no desire whatsoever to reconnect on the same level emotionally. None at all. It's gone.

(((HUGS MM))) I so feel your pain and totally "get" what you are saying. That is the cool thing about this site - you don't have to explain much to each other to "get" it because we are all living through it in one way or another. I, too, have tried to "move on" from the feelings of loss and abandonment I am feeling as a 42 year old woman; this has been going on for 2 years and when I read things that I wrote almost 2 years ago and nothing has gotten any better I just think, "Why, why am I trying so hard? I am just hurting myself more than necessary." I am done trying to "*****-foot" around because of my bdad's wife who for some asinine reason cannot - or will not - accept me. I'm done trying to be the nice person, to let her little jabs slid, to let her family explain that she is "just hurting", that she is "having a hard time", that they've "never seen this side of her". She needs help – plain and simple – and that she can't realize that is HER problem. She tries to come at me with snarky and short emails that always imply that I'm doing something wrong. Get over yourself, woman! I am doing nothing wrong. I was born, I "found" your family and now you can't deal with it. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is life-changing, but sometimes life is like that. She continues to try and sneak her way into my life - trying to "friend" me on Facebook (she is not my friend - she won't even acknowledge me or "speak" to me over email - all the times I try - yet gets super pissy because I won't let her into my world of FB). Talk to me first, treat me like a person, and then maybe we can discuss FB. I'm just so tired of the drama. I am a good person. I want nothing from their family except to know them. THANK GOD, THANK GOD, THANK GOD for my extended family that has welcomed me into the family with open arms and loved me like I've always been a part of their family. They see that maybe I've lost out by not knowing them – that they might have lost out by me not knowing them. The whole thing is so unfair, but, then again, life isn't fair. I've chosen to be a stronger person, to learn from this, to show compassion and understanding to people that are hurting. That is the path I've chosen and I will continue to walk this path. I may sound bitter about my bdad's wife, and, well, I kind of am - bitter that because of her her whole family will not know me or I them, sad because it doesn't have to be like this. But, I will continue on. I still think about them often, but time does make the sting a little less bitter, a little easier to swallow the pain. Everyone that has ever searched, that has put their self out there for rejection and loss - they are the strong ones and the ones that deserve all the love and respect in the world. Peace and blessings to all of us!!! WE ARE STRONG AND WE WILL SURVIVE. :D

Lost 2012 I just want to send you a great big hug.

I'm around the boards here pretty much daily as well. As others have mentioned I don't post as much about my situation as I used to, mostly because I don't see or feel the point. I do use bits of my own experience when responding to others when it seems like I have something relevant to contribute. That process in itself can be therapeutic in a way for me. But I don't see the value or need to belabor the same old points in my story. Nothing has changed, nothing's going to change and I'd just as soon not bore everyone to tears. It's been several months since I've heard anything from my b-mom. Yeah I know I could drop her a note or an email or whatever, but I've reached the point where I just plain don't feel like putting forth the effort. Maybe that's a good way of summarizing where my head is at: I'm tired of the effort that is apparently required, or more accurately I'm tired of how much effort is required of me versus how much effort is apparent from my b-mom. Call me cynical, but if I'm going to invest time or effort or whatever in something, I'm the kind of person who expects some kind of a return. I do find myself with more resentment of how my case has stalled out. I resent feeling like I'm somehow not worthy of someone's time. I've learned that I compartmentalize well because I have no anger that my b-mom chose to place me for adoption (she had her reasons) but I have anger about the state of affairs since I found her. Frankly, I think my time and effort is worth more than I've seen so far. I know she has reasons for her action/inaction, but sometimes I just really don't care what her reasons are because that just sucks me back into the whole spiral again. <Exhale>...bet you're sorry you asked how I was doing! LOL! MM...I won't repeat myself except to say "hang in there." Best, PADJ

Just replace b-mom for bdad and, yep, I feel the exact same way! Scary, I thought you were in my head for a moment, PADJ! :woohoo: The drama of all of this has sucked me dry of even caring anymore (but, I do care (oh, so, so much!!!), but I can't let myself care because when I do the whole dramatic situation starts all over again in my head...and repeats and repeats and repeats...and I can't do it to my heart anymore...). :grr: Onward I go...!

I look at it this way. We've done what we can do. We've taken the first step and given another chance to people who for whatever reason no matter how difficult; chose to let go.I am in no way trying to minimize how hard that could have been for people. I wouldn't be posting here if the search was originated by them. At least I don't think I would.I have been on this ride 16 years and it's off the tracks. Time to realize I can spend the rest of my life and that could be short trying to get this hulk of a situation back on the track or I can cut my losses and remember it fondly.Life has a way of teaching us. Yesterday I found out that a woman I work with who went off sick for what we thought was back issues won't make it the weekend. She will be gone. Pancreatic cancer. That was like a slap in the face with a cold fish.Boom.....the friggin' rug could be pulled out in the next ten minutes. This isn't dress rehearsal. I can focus all my energy on people who aren't willing or capable or I can embrace the people who care about me. It's my choice and I am making it.I wish them no ill will but I simply have to let go.

This is precisely the kind of thing that drives me to distraction with my b-mom and is the primary reason that I've adopted the "getting on with life" attitude. Time and age march on every day and the clock is ticking. As your example illustrates and how I've painfully learned before, life has an annoying tendency to identify and pay back nonchalance. When all you're left with is a big pile of coulda-woulda-shoulda it's a tough situation. I'm no longer hung up on waiting and wondering if and when my b-family may have a sudden burst of interest in meeting me and what's going on over here on my coast. I check email and what not but no longer feel disappointed if I don't hear from them. It's become status quo and is expected now. I still can't wrap my little brain around it, but that's okay too.

I am at the point that when I got one of the vapid mass emails from my birthmother that I used to feel obliged to respond to; I deleted and ignored it. I used to keep them and sift through the nonsense to see if there was some significant reason for sending it. Now I realize if she hasn't got the wherewith all to write something herself; it's not worth my time.

I get the same kinds of things from time to time. Tidbits that mom (I guess) finds amusing or interesting, but if I look at the email header, I'm just part of a big distribution group that she uses to forward stuff like that. When I discovered that I had gone from being placed for adoption directly to being part of an email group used for the distribution of borderline spam, I no longer felt guilty about deleting the messages. There was no content intended for me any more than the man in the moon. Actually come to think of it, I haven't even seen a mass group email in a while. Huh...

I am happy that I have found the presence of mind to realize that I could be wasting precious time trying to twist myself into a pretzel to please someone who isn't willing to be pleased. I still feel a bit disappointed when I focus on it and can't help but wonder why someone would go to the trouble of attempting to connect with all the hesitancy and conditions she has placed on the relationship. The rest of my family unfortunately marches to her drum in this regard and it's their loss as far as I am concerned. I can respect the fact that they are sensitive to her "issues" and if I were in the "fold" so to speak I would likely feel the same. I am not and maybe I am stubborn but I don't particularly like the beat of the drum. I am not going to stifle my emotions and change who I am to "fit" in. I am who I am; simple as that. I figure people can either take me as I am or hit the road at this point. It makes me nauseous to watch my brothers tiptoe around like scared sheep. They are grown men and they act like shined deer around their parents.

I'm glad I found this thread as well, although I feel I am writing from the other side of the fence.I am very moved to hear so many stories of people struggling to reconcile what they consider unhealthy relationships within themselves and ultimately, finding peace by ending those relationships. I can appreciate that it is tremendously difficult to hope for something that doesn't come to fruition and to feel yourself constantly asking yourself - with no reprieve - why, was it something I did?I went through a period about four years after I reunited with my birthfather, when I was about 23, where I wanted to shut the door. At that point we had been emailing on a regular basis and had spoken on the phone a few times. He had spoken initially of introducing me to his family, but four years in, I felt like there was still a very secretive aspect to our relationship and I resented it. As someone described very astutely earlier in this thread, yes, it did feel a bit like we were having an affair. I badly wanted to say, "listen, I've worked hard to be a good person and if you insist on acting like you're ashamed of me, I can't have you in my life." I tortured myself over whether or not I should just lay it on the line. Boy am I glad I didn't!Eventually I told myself that I had worked too hard to find and build this contact - minimal as it was - and that it would be unwise to close any doors. I told myself that I shouldn't be so black and white about it. Now I've come to accept that our relationship will take its course; that life will sometimes take over and cause our communication to be sparse, but that we can always take up where we left off. I know I will always leave the lines of communication open.At 25, I've now progressed to meeting him for dinner on occasion, as work sometimes brings him to my city, and that has been a lot of fun. I still hold out hope that he will one day find the motivation to introduce me to his parents and my younger half sisters, but I remind myself that patience is a virtue. I don't feel that I'm on a rollercoaster, just that I'm on a path of life, which, as it does, takes twists and turns.

kharma, HUGSSSSSSSSSS,Yes...I got it...Male adoptee. Slave for more than 30 years.Called my a-family together. Told them "No More." Actually was a little more definitive, but they got the message; additionally, they were not to make contact even in the face of life ending illness, I would not be there. The adoption grief, loss and often despair was not repaired, but the abuse had ended.It was the best decision I ever made. I wish you the best.