Adoptees - into reunion, and 2nd time?

Jannyroo, I can relate to your situation. I'm also 11 months down the line in my reuniom and I do not feel as if we're any closer today than we were in the beginning. More relaxed maybe but certainly not closer especially in an emotional manner. They way I see it is that your son is probably very scared of 'another rejection' and bar being consistant with your attention and giving him ongoing affirmation that you are not going anywhere, there's not much else you can give. It's up to him when and if he'll internalise your words and believe you. He sounds like my son (27yrs), wants too but very wary so he blows hot and cold.We've exchanged no words of love. Me because I do not believe he's ready to hear them (he's very cynical) and him because, quite simply, he's still deciding if/how much he likes me.To date, I'm a 'non entity' in his life. I can only hope and pray that as the days pass, it'll be more hot than cold. G also does not see the need for external help so all that I can do is research, research so that I can understand where he might be coming from (during his cool periods) and try and handle it. Go at his pace, tell him that you understand and look forward to the day that you can see him again (hopefully soon) then go to a room, stuff a pillow in your mouth and scream! screaming does help!!! Can you not try and arrange a visit to coincide with an event eg 1st anniversary. For guys, that gives a practical meaning to the meet - not so scary. Just my thoughts and 11months along in my reunion, I'm still fumbling.:flowergift:

Hi there, I'm in a similar situation but we haven't had our f2f yet. I received the first letter 11 months ago and have been on pins and needles ever since. Screaming definitely helps! I work by myself so if I'm having a bad day I can let loose and have a good cry without anyone knowing - fringe benefit. My bson is starting out his career (26) and travels almost as much as I do so I convince myself that is the cause for the delays. It is agony though. I guess the hardest part is I know I'd rather gnaw off my right arm then disappoint him, again, but I have to prove I'll be here over time. It doesn't get any easier but having everyone here makes a huge difference. Thanks and take care. :love:

Hi Keds, Bmom79, and Jannyroo, I hope some bsons/daughters will respond. I guess the only thing I can suggest is the "P" word. Patience. D and I have been in reunion for almost a year and a half and it has gone very well. He has said to me that had I contacted him at 18 or even 25 we wouldn't have had as easy a time in reunion. His adad told me that when they told him I'd contacted then he expressed more emotion (negative) about me and his adoption than he ever had before. (I gather it was something to the effect of "she walked out of my life 33 years ago what makes her think she can just walk back in now..." I suspect that there is a testing period for many relationships.. The adoptee has trouble believing that the bparent will not "abandon" him/her again and exhibits behaviors designed to test the bparent. (Will they say or won't they leave?) Of course the relationships are never that simple! My only solution is to love unconditionally. To see reunion as a journey of exploration and discovery.

Hi everyone, I'm an adoptee who has been in reunion for almost 2 years now with my bmom, and it has been going very well. My bmom constantly reassures me she is not going anywhere and that she loves me unconditionally. However, I still have to fight the urge not to RUN, which seems absolutely ridiculous, but it is an urge I have to fight nonetheless. I think it has to do with wanting to leave before being left. I also exhibited this pattern in romantic relationships in my past. The odd thing is, the closer and more comfortable we get, the more I have to fight running away. The more I get to know her and love her, the more I can't stand the thought of losing her again. Jannyroo, I think the best thing you can do is to give your son reassurances that you are not going anywhere and that you love him, and I bet you are already doing that. It sounds like he is afraid of losing you and therefore is keeping his distance. His reluctance to see you may have something to do with this. I just saw my birthmom, who lives 3000 miles away from me, and whenever she leaves it paralyzes me for weeks afterwards. I feel like I got punched in the gut and that I will never see her again (no one says these feelings are rational, by the way). For some of us, I don't know if we'll ever really internalize that we are worthy of being loved. I'm finding that it's kind of an uphill battle myself.

Thank you SO MUCH for your brave reply. I was so moved by it, I felt it must have taken a lot for you to be so honest and up front and it helped me SO MUCH. I can't thank you enough. I was at my wits end and I visited relatives that were but hour from where my son lives and I was in AGONY because I am so close and yet so far..... and when I got on my cousin's PC and saw your answer, it kinda saved me. Thanks again, you've helped me more than you will EVER know. Jannyroo

I agree that it sounds as though he is just afraid of losing you. I am an adoptee in reunion with my bmom and I have had very similar feelings. I had a hard time trusting her, and even told her several times that I was very afraid of losing her. However, she never offered any reassurance even after I said these things, so that made it harder for me to develop any sort of trust. I think if you make it clear that you care about him and won't leave him he will be able to put his guard down, at least a little. I know that this would have helped me out a lot in my situation.