Inconsistancy....is it an issue?

I agree that M may have problems with this down the line. I guess that's why it is important to address this now.

Yeah, I don't know....You just can't predict how he is going to feel about any of this later, kwim? The funny thing is.....the inconsistancy IS consistant....lol. Basically it has been like this since after the first year. Tara, you and I have discussed this many times before..... I also know that if he wanted to contact them (or even if I really felt I needed to)- they would always be there for us. I don't really see it this way. I'm not looking to not change it.....I just don't feel the need to get upset about it. If I could wave a magic wand - we'd see them more. However, I don't feel anything they are doing is detrimental (no idea how to spell that!!) to M - and if I did, I'd certainly talk to them about it. I guess I'm just wondering -to myself and now you all- if this is something I should be discussing with them. I've contemplated tracking down her grandma in order to send a letter.....but I just don't feel like I need to do that right now. I guess what it's coming to for me is..... If this is the way she is comfortable in our relationship - and we are all doing ok - is there a reason to ruffle the feathers?

What sort of problems? Consistency is a big issue for me right now. Or rather, not being able to maintain consistency because the "rules" keep changing. I've been wondering if there ISN'T a measure of consistency, then haphazard visits do more harm than good as my children get older -- I know my parented daughter has been hurt over this over the last year and I know my birthson worries we're going to for get him. Ideally, I think they need to be able to say goodbye after a visit, KNOWING that in a few months they get to visit again. But being able to pin that down? It's like a game. Bson comes for a visit, we all have a great time. A few months down the road we call to set up another visit. By the time my husband leaves four or five unreturned messages, we give up. Then a couple of months later, my son will call and ask to visit. My husband always says "Sure but ask your mom." He gets told no. Then a few weeks amom will call and say to take him for the weekend. In the last year we've gone from being told, he needs MORE visits and if anything happens to the aparents, they want him to be with us, to "This is all very hard and we just want to write letters." Then out of the blue, my son calls and asks to visit and the whole thing starts over. Yet we have no control -- though I'm certainly in protective mode as I don't want my daughter being hurt again like she has been. The last year has been truly awful for me and my family with all things adoption. Lucy

Wow, that's a difficult thing to deal with!! I can totally see how this could hurt your daughter - not to mention your birthson!! Have you discussed the inconsistancies with them? It's not fair to your kids to have to go through that! I can't believe they'd keep him from seeing you....is it a distance issue?

We've tried but it becomes the, "You aren't his parents." The last attempt ended with Amom screaming, "You can all go and have your big love affair reunion when he's 18. See if I care." And no, there's no distance issue. They did move and not tell us and didn't tell our son he was moving in case he told us. Amom told my husband that herself, but they didn't move so far that it would make a huge difference. We do (or my husband does) all the legwork anyway, he goes and gets him and takes him back. We have spent the last few months trying to rationalize what the heck is going on. Then two weeks ago, boyo calls and tells us he's very excited because he's moving back and he asked to come and stay. Sadly, we didn't take it any further than that -- the emotional toll of the last few months was too much. I can cope with my own hurt but not theirs -- but I feel powerless to do anything about it.. Lucy

Well, you may have a kid with questions or needs and if the birthparents are flitting in and out that is going to effect the child. My mother says that 95% of a relationship is "being there" for the other person... "showing up". Not showing up or being there does effect a relationship. You can only go so far with people you cannot rely on to be there for you.

"Not showing up or being there does effect a relationship. You can only go so far with people you cannot rely on to be there for you." I do not think that "not showing up" is necessarily the same as "not being there for you". The OP stated that she is confident that if they needed them, they would "be there for them". Relationships are not always based on the live, in -person interaction. I left home at 18 and have always had many miles between my family and myself. I see them a few times a year if we are all lucky and healthy, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that they are there for me more than anyone else in this world. JMO

Yes, but you also had 18 years as a foundation. The thing is, with kids, consistancy, presence, is important to build a relationship.

I'm very grateful for this thread. Consistency is an issue we have been dealing with in our relationship with our older child's bmom since day one. He's only 3 right now. So I do not see the inconsistency hurting him in the present. But I am very concerned about the future. Bmom calls every so often. No predictable schedule. And out of the blue, we occasionally get a letter from her. This is a reflection of how chaotic her life is and we do understand this. She is ostensibly homeless -- staying here and there with friends/family. So she has no steady way we can reach her. On the last packet of pics I mailed out, i wrote desperate plea on the envelope that if she's not at that address, for someone to make sure to see she gets the package. It is filled with ds's first ever pre-school pics and some original artwork he made. I can't bear the thought of her not receiving it. I have tried repeatedly to address the inconsistencies with her. But she cannot stick to a plan regarding contact. I have gotten used to the surprise and enjoy talking with her whenever she calls. But I have tried to convey the idea that ds may want/need and will certainly deserve more as he grows up. He should be able to count on her to 'be there' as part of his life. I hope thats not an unreasonable expectation. Perfect example... on his birthday a few months ago, he asked to call and tell her about his presents. By the grace of god, I was able to reach her at the last known phone number. It was such a relief. And she said she wants to always be accessible to him like that. But then, we have not heard a word from her since (that was in late January). Sad but relieved to know I'm not the only one in this boat. Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks again!

Inconsistency has been a consistent problem in both relationships with our kids' First Families. It's not for lack of trying on our part, but we really are at their whim for when they want contact. Hubby and I have talked about how this can and will affect the future of these relationships because they last thing we want to do is to set our kids up for more loss when we build up the possibility of a relationship with their First Families (which include older siblings to our children) only to have them be disappointed again. So we're struggling with that. With Bug's family, we have to do all the contacting and then it is thru her first gparents and no response from her First Mom. With Roo's family, we only have mutual contact (phone calls) when his First MOm calls us (which has been 4 times in ten months) since she won't give us her phone number. We do have her address (and she has ours, always has) so we can send updates. But I guess the bottom line is that we can't count on anything. Frankly, we are grieving the loss of these potential relationships in many ways. We're sad about it and I wish it were different. But we also have to make peace with the uncertainty of it all and keep moving forward, leaving a door open but we can't put so much emotional and physical energy in working at it in this one-sided way anymore. I am just plain sad about it. I wouldn't like the short notice either but would try to make it work for all our benefit if possible. I don't think you are selfish at all. We have lives with lots of stuff going on and can't just drop everything at a moment's notice. That is not how my life works anyway. And I am getting to the point as you said, of not getting upset when we don't hear from them. I do wish it were different but I can only do my part. It's called learning to live with what you have... They have to want to have a relationship as well. And right now they either aren't interested, can't cope, or I don't know what... we'll keep the door open I guess and see what happens.

For sure...So far we've always managed to set a date within a few days of her original date.... What I worry about...is the older M gets - the busier we get. Last minute calls will be harder to work with. And if we CAN work something - it probably will be a quick visit. Usually by the end of one week, the next week is pretty full. M's birthday is tomorrow and I half expect to hear something from them today.... I guess we'll see. If I don't hear from them this week....I really don't know what to think.

Leigh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to M!!!! I know some don't "like" the idea of OA agreements, but for me, I like the idea that we have a scheduled visit around DD's birthday every year. I know when it's coming, when DD is older I can tell her about it, etc., etc. I feel like if DD thought that we would get together when birth family wanted to and then there were "gaps" that might be more difficult. I don't know. None of this is easy of course!!!! I don't really like "surprises" -- I am kind of a control freak. Dealing with OA in that regard has been really difficult for me, and I am trying to be more flexible.

We began the adoption of 2 of our foster children fully open but now we have decided not to have contact with them anymore because of inconsistancy. It has now been almost a year since we've had any contact from mom EXCEPT when she called to ask if we would adopt baby #6 when it's born. We adopted #1 and #2 thru foster care. She is raising #3, #4 & #5. When she called to ask us to adopt her baby she didn't even ask how her children were doing. They are 7 and 4 now and the inconsistancy was more than they could emotionally handle so we decided to STOP. They have been much happier & much more well behaved since we took this step so that leads me to believe it was the right thing for now. It may be in later years that we decide contact would be a "good" thing for them again but for now it's not.

loveajax - Thanks so much, M had a fantastic birthday! Unfortunately we haven't heard from his birthfamily. Oh well, hopefully they'll give us a shout soon:)

I did worry a lot about inconsistancy from my standpoint when my DD's adoption was open. For the first few years, things were very random ( I phoned when I wanted to maybe every month or so) and there were periods of time where I didn't phone at all. DD was a secret to my family and I was living with them, going to college and not sure what my next step was, on and off with her b-dad, who ws very back and forth with being open to discussing the adoption. To put it plainly, nothing in my life at that time was very consistent. But I didn't think much of it, DD was so little that it was really just between me and her a mom (visits were never discussed, as I was about a 3 hour plane ride away,) and it was early in the relationship.Then the family moved and I had no idea because I had been out of touch for so long, and I panicked because I couldn't find them.I felt awful, like I had let them down. I wrote a letter, that was forwarded to their new address, and I received a call back ( I was away at school at that point) that ended with a brief conversation with 2 1/2 year old DD. It was then that I realized that my inconsitancy would now affect her moreso, since she was at an age to communicate directly. I still was at a place in my life where I struggled to figure out how being a birthmom would "fit" into my life, and still not getting support from friends who knew and she was still a secret to most, so I made a decision to take some time to figure that out. I didn't want her to keep feeling "abandoned" everytime I went a while without contact, and I wasn't sure what I could handle. Unfortunately I gave into the unspoken pressure to bury everything and it took years before I could dig it back up. But when I did contact her a mom this year, I did explain that fear of inconsisency was a factor in why I was gone so long. One of the things I am trying to do is establish some consistency in my contact now, so that when I do get to connect with DD, that her a mom can rest assured that I wont disappear on them again.