Why do adoptees supress their true feelings

I was adopted as an infant, with little information about my adoption. here's my input: I don't like how society views adoption. People treat it like you were born with freckles, or something trivial like that. Example: I recently had a physical, and the doctor kept asking me my birth family. I had to repeat myself numerous times that I was adopted, that I didn't know. I had to admit that my birth mother died while giving birth to me, which doesn't make me feel too good about myself in the first place. Getting questioned by strangers about adoption can make me very defensive. adoptees can have a very fragile core with a bullet proof exterior. I know I do, because the outer layer prevents me from thinking too much about my past, and rattling the very shaky family foundation I stand on, my adoptive family. sometimes adoptees reunite with their birth parents or family. then I bet they can at least learn about their past to move on to their future. I can't do that. It is very scary and sad. My birth mother died giving birth to me and my birth father was a poor farmer who couldn't care for me and gave me up. So to have society glamourize adoption as a fairy tale, it makes me want to set people straight. But at the same time I don't like questions. It's so confusing. But if you need someone to interview, I'll give you honest answers!

Hi there, I think you will be really struggling to write your document by giving one summarised answer!:) For every person you interview will have a different story, and even if their stories are the same, the way they were raised and the experiences they have had will make it their own personal story..... I relate a lot to what Indiaadoptee wrote, but I am lucky enough to have found my b/mom, and yes it did 'fix' a hole in my heart. I can also really relate to the guilt that holds people back from searching, to the point that it can make us feel like we don't really want to search (but deep down I culdn't suppress that need- even 'tho I have my aparents support to search) Adoption seems like one of the last great taboos! especially if you want to discuss any negative effects of it. I'll be interested to see the outcome in about 20 years of all the celeb adoptions Good luck in your research, at least you are coming from experience yourself!

I think Ghettopops really hit the nail on the head when he broke down the stages of knowledge vs acceptance in an adoptee's life. I went through those same stages (except for reunion) in pretty much the same order and with great intensity. You may find it very helpful to just read through random threads whose subject lines interest you. The language in which people post here will give you clues as to how they really feel about stuff. The added bonus of relative anonymity on the forums have helped many of us open up in a way we may not have in a face-to-face conversation. How have you conducted your interviews so far? Have you asked people questions face to face, or have you given them a questionnaire to fill out privately and confidentially? You may find more honest answers if your "subjects" are able to take something home and spend some time on it. If you were to approach me on the street and ask me how I felt about adoption, I'd probably say "Well, it's kind of complicated, but I'm glad I was adopted and have had such a good life." This is true, but there is SO much more going on under the surface that I simply would not want to discuss with a stranger, even if it was for research. (Well, I might share it if it were for research because I'm a bit of an attention-seeker and like to share my feelings to strangers as opposed to family... but that's beside the point. Or is it?) Also, have you read any literature about adoptees and adoption by reputable authors? There are several titles discussed a great deal on these forums; among them are The Girls Who Went Away, Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child, Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up, Twenty Things Adoptees Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew, etc. Reading something by someone who has done much the same what you are trying to do may help you decipher your confusing findings. While adoptees are not cookie-cutter images of one another, I have been astounded to find out on this site how very similar our emotional and mental issues are, the same issues you're trying to find out about. These issues may manifest themselves in different ways (e.g., either by completely mistrusting others and distancing oneself or being too trusting of strangers and overstepping boundaries), but they are at the root of many of our problems in life. I hope this helps a bit. You're certainly in the right place to see into other adoptees' minds and figure out what makes us tick and what we feel about who we are, both as individuals and as members of a larger society that has very definite ideas about adoption.

Also, in case you didn't know, if you go to the Community Center forum, there is a board called "Surveys & Research" under the heading of General Topics (a little more than halfway down the page). Maybe you can find some interesting things there.

Sure I USED to suppress my feelings but no more. I've always been my Aparents 'Cinderella' with the exception of the pumpkin...we had a station wagon. Anyway my Amom was and is so dillusional that it's a wonder how I made it living in that mad house. Amom's DH is an philandering alcoholic. We never got along. I hated when he'd suggest we went to the bar (shudder shudder). Amom's always gossipping, lying and cursing people. Even her members...well especially her members. I've heard her talking about someone, put them on hold and pray for the incoming-call person! Oh did I mention that she's certified hand-clapping, pulpit-pounding, bible-quoting, halelujah-screaming Pastor? *slapping forehead* Our already rocky relationship ended for good when she demanded that I give her my son....riiiiiiight! She really seemed to think I was going to participate in "Adoption, The Next Generation". This gave me such a warped sense of religion and relationships. Thank God that I was able to sort it out on my own and I'm married to a wonderful man and attend a wonderful church. Some days I shake my head other days I laugh. Odd days I cry. But I'm glad I won't end up in a straight jacket. I typically don't act this way but this woman has caused me so much pain which I had to repress because all she ever did was remind me of how much she had done for me. All her "real" kids have amounted to absolutely nothing. One is 27 and STILL finishing High School., one is grossly obese and sells fried fish one, one is a student/go-go-dancer/artist and her son is a pot head. I'm the only normal one (tee hee) Thank you all for reading my rant. Your reading comprehension is greatly appreciated :)

NYLM...your "survival" reminded me of a wonderful quote from the movie... Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Sandra Bullock's character is lamenting about being so crazy because of her mother... and one of her mother's friends says..."you're saner than you have a right to be". I know that I for one... was happy when I heard that. I didn't have the most stable amom either... and to know that I survived saner than I had a right to be..has been a pretty good ego boost... hope it does the same for you... sal

Stigma is the word! I'm an adoptee. Apart from the fact my adoption was an abusive one.

My agrandmother was a religious nut, she used to preach at me. My aparents their son and I were going to spain when I was 8. My agrandmother informed me that God would make the plane crash and all the innocent people would die, because I (a bastard, sinner! Sins of the fathers were upon me.) was on the plane. I was terrified for everyone on that plane, when it landed I threw up. For me adoption, ment I was 'less than'. Worthless. Not worthy like 'real' birth children.

No one spoke to me about adoption, it was like a dirty word. Everyone knew, they knew I knew, but it was 'wrong' to speak about. To speak about it was, to be ungrateful, for being taken in, when no one else would of had me.

Thankfully I have a loveing husband and children. Through self awarness to some extent and counselling, I've done a lot of healing. I still don't trust easily but I put those feelings aside and act positively. I did push my husband away at first and 'tested' him, until I stopped and talked with him about what was going on and recognised why.

For me, I didn't really care until I was a teenager. That was when I noticed that the gifts me and my sister (also adopted, but from a different family) received from my grandparents were not as good as the gifts received by the other grandchildren. I started to notice that my family (not my adoptive parents) treated us differently from everyone else. On the list of grandchildren written on my grandmother's apron, I wasn't on it and neither was my sister. My parents tried to tell me for a little while that it was because it was made before me and my sister came along. Then my mom admitted what I suspected was true. To my grandmother, I wasn't her "real" grandchild. She treated me like she treated her step-grandchildren. Anyone who wasn't blood related wasn't really part of the family. Since then, my mom has told me some stories about how my grandmother acted towards me and my sister. I knew that my mother would suddenly come get me when I was playing so we could go home. Apparently, she did that when my grandmother said something about me and my sister being adopted. This has made me really awkward about family. Now, since I have found my birth family, I feel awkward there too. I feel like they see me as the "adopted one." Logically, I know they love me. They have told me as much. They have shown that they love me. However, I can't help but fear that no one will ever truly love me. My own mother didn't want me, why should they? I got lucky in that my adoptive parents love me more than I could ever describe. To a certain extent, I agree with Ghettopops. I don't think I could ever give up a child. Best case scenario, they end up like me, with a deep fear of abandonment and resentment towards family. We won't talk about worst case scenario.. we all have an idea of how bad it could be. That said, I do not want to have children of my own. I have no desire to ever get pregnant and give birth to a child. I would like to adopt. I can only hope that I could be as good to an adopted child as my parents were to me. They may have the same issues I have, but at least I could do everything I can to keep a couple of children safe, give them a home, and all the love I can. I do want to have a family one day. Indeed, I am desperate for it and all the love a family has to offer me. Maybe one day, I can find a way to get past my issues.

I drew breath when I read your experience. That is truly horrendous. I can't believe how cruel that is and that people can actually be that cruel. I'm so sorry. I am SO glad to hear you have a loving husband and that he could see through the testing. I hope it continues to be all that you describe, my goodness, I'm shaking my head in disbelief. Shame on her. Darn it, SHAME ON HER. I hope you now find yourself feeling truly loved, despite that hideous experience, no doubt etched on your heart. I hope in time, that your husband and children help in the healing process. SincerelyJanny

Thank you for your reply. I'm lucky, I've always had good friends and have been able to get away from the adoptive family. You are right, it is shame on her, but at the same time I pity her and folks like her, as they must miss out on so much love. I love your sig..lol

I come from the great adopted family side and cannot imagine the horrors you grew up with. I have nothing but good things to say about being raised by my adopted parents and they will always be my parents. Having said that, to me being adopted and growing up not knowing where and who I came from is wrong and is totally different and separate from being adopted and raised by my adopted family. It is wrong how society, in it's superiority created "closed non-family adoptions", the secrecy, the guilt and shame. It is the inhumane act of removing a child permanently from it's mother and therefore, natural family. Sometimes it is difficult to be able to look at it as separate entities, and find it hard to say anything bad about adoption. Simply because they had a wonderful adopted family, yet at the same time, were deeply affected by being adopted. Hopefully that made sense and helps you find ways to word your interview questions to get honest answers. Kind regards,Dickons

I was not aware of a stigma attached to adoptees, more to the birthmothers. I dont know how much help I can give, I am just coming to terms and figuring things out about myself since I have begun to search. I am reading "The Primal Wound" which may help you with your research, it has a lot about interpereting feelings and adoptee research.

Dickons...I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from. I always had mixed feelings about being adopted. I loved the fact that my family was my family...even in it's dysfunctional days..lol...but at the same time, I hated the lack of information, ect that I had. I couldnt' imagine my life without the families and friends that I have, and think about how random adoption can seem at times, I could have easily been a "Jones" or "Smith"...but I am who I am. The thing that finally allowed me to have "peace" with being adopted was realizing that there was a difference between the relinquishment and my adoption. The relinquishment is what hurt and still can, even though I KNOW without a shadow of doubt I am where I am suppose to be and am WAY better off. But my adoption, and my adoptive parents were NOT the cause of my being placed for adoption, so I can look at that through a different lens. Does that make any sense?! Sometimes I think we think too white or black with adoption...there are a lot of areas that are grey!

Brockbaby, thank you. You made the distinction better than I did, and the black and white is so very true, there are so many shades of gray. Sometimes I sit back and try to imagine my birth families views and why they would be that way, and sometimes I end up feeling selfish for not feeling their pain. It is very hard to actually walk in another's shoes, even for a moment. Kind regards,Dickons

interesting to read this:coffee: