home study experiences?

Just now seeing this..... Don't you just LOVE when someone else DECIDES that THEY know more about your family than YOU EVER COULD!?!?!?!? AAAGGGGHHHHHH! I'd be suspicious of any caseworker who'd decided something this important after the first visit. To tell you that she might want to visit more than three times (I think that's the amount you initially said?)......or have a longer session exploring what she's concerned about---THAT I can understand. But to make an assumption...then just leave you hanging??? Naw...makes me think 'there's a lot more behind the green curtain than she's saying'....and I mean behind HER green curtain, KWIM? To tell you that adopted INFANTS (?) have more issues than bios is rubbish to say the least. If she's speaking about older child adoption, I might agree....but for infants? Naw, I won't buy that. It sounds as if you're possibly stuck with dealing with this agency because you've already given them money? If so, I'd be calling for more explanation and requesting a change of caseworker. If you're not 'stuck' with this agency; I'd seriously consider dealing with another one and going from there. I hope this can be resolved soon so you actually CAN get started! And for the record, it's not uncommon for your dh to be hesitant. This seems to be pretty common across the board, I think. Not sure why, but it's not uncommon. Further, the hesitations your dh has, are valid---especially if you're bringing home an older child. If not, adopting an infant is a totally different thing altogether than older children (BTDT). And, if your dh was happy when you were pregnant; I suspect he'll get more on board once the paperwork's done. My own dh absolutely HATED the paperwork and endless questions over and over again (we've adopted many times). But his final comment was always: "You do all that junk, (Linny)...." He was just glad once we were able to know about and bring home a baby. Sincerely, Linny

[FONT="Verdana"]mamamorton, I am very sorry to hear about the losses you have suffered. While I have never had a miscarriage, I have lost my only child to adoption because of a teenage pregnancy and I suffer from secondary infertility, so I know the unrelenting pain of the loss of a child. I cannot help but think that your sw had your best interest in mind and the best interest of your family when she encouraged you to wait and to take some time to heal. It seems to me like her advice is good advice. Taking some time may also give your husband time to get more on board with adoption or will allow him time to decide that adoption is not right for him. My son's amom wanted to adopt and his adad went along, even though he was not really on board. The stresses and strains of this and other things resulted in a poor adoptive experience for my son (now an adult) and his adoptive parents. I truly think your sw has your best interests and the best interest of your potential future child at heart, even though it may not seem like it. As for the sw quoting statistics about adopted infants having more issues than infants who are not adopted, I do not believe this is rubbish, as Linny states. I am very surprised by her comments. There is a wealth of statistics and research which supports that infants DO suffer loss and hurt when they are adopted, and they grieve for their first mothers, who they bonded with in the womb. There are others on the board (adoption professionals such as Brenda Romanchik) who can point you to this research. It should not be dismissed as rubbish out of hand. My son, who was adopted as an infant, has grown up into a young man who has deep hurts and feelings of abandonment surrounding his adoption. There are many hurting adoptees out there. I believe that it is important for adoptive parents to be aware of and be proactive about the issues their adopted infants may face initially and as they age. I wish you the best.[/FONT]

Isabo: My comments about 'issues' of adopted babies comes from my own personal experience with adoption over the last 26 yrs and hours of discussions with others who've been adopted, those who have adopted infants and older children, and even birthmothers who have released their babies to adoptive couples. The OP mentioned the sw had spoken to 'mental health issues and ADHD'. I did not perceive this as dealing with abandonment issues. And, as far as abandonment issues, in our own experiences alone, two of our children (adopted as infants) are now grown. They, themselves would say to imply any abandonment issues for them would be speaking 'rubbish' as you say. I will not hijack this thread to start debate over 'bonding within the nine months', because just as there are people who believe in this, there are also those that do not. Additionally, if one chooses to accept this theory, one must also consider the 'grief' of babies who are subjected to illegal drug use while inutero. I suspect that any baby dealing with the lack of oxygen due to harmful drug use (while inutero) would feel much better in the long run about leaving a womb where they are constantly being abused and tortured for nine months? I realize you have been involved with an adoption that was not optimal. I'm genuinely sorry for this; really I am. I think you would have to agree, though, that--at least some your son's experiences with issues--- might well be because of a family that may not have accepted him fully as they should have? Believe me, most of us are overwhelmed with joy---and our children with us----due to adoption. Please don't put all adoptions in the same basket as yours. Many of us have adopted many times and do not have children grieving and dealing with the issues you suggest adoptees deal with. I will continue to say that I feel this sw'er did not do justice to the couple by simply stating they needed more time and to 'call her in July'. A cw'er is supposed to be there to help any couple deal with any possible problems through interviews and discussions....not simply state an opinion based on a couple of hours and leave the couple 'at that'. Sincerely, Linny

[FONT="Verdana"]Linny,

My comments also come from 27 plus years of my personal experience with adoption and hours of discussions with others who've been adopted, those who have adopted infants and older children, and even birthmothers who have released their babies to adoptive couples. We have adoption several times over in our family and in close friends' family as well. Some are well adjusted people with no issues arising from adoption, and some are not. My aunt was adopted as a teenager. My great grandmother was adopted as a toddler. My son was lost to adoption. My best friend of 25 years brother was adopted as an infant. He is a sociopath and has spent his entire adult life incarcerated. I personally witnessed his upbring, and he was not a happy adoptee with no issues. I have 3 adopted cousins who have many issues. I could go on with examples.

You speak from your experience, I speak from mine. The social worker brought facts, research and statistics and speaks from the experiences of many. I do not believe those facts and statistics should be dismissed as rubbish (your word, not mine). I mentioned some issues which, if not mental health issues, then lead to mental health issues such as depression and difficulty bonding, both things my son has suffered from. I said I would leave it to others (adoption professionals on the board) to specifically address those things. I do not claim to be an expert or have all the answers based on my experiences. Do you?

You sweep with some very broad strokes (it is my understanding that generalizations are not allowed on this board), and you dismiss the valid concerns of an adoption professional as rubbish because you have had a good experience. THAT is why I responsed to your post. Please do not put all adoptive experiences in YOUR basket. That is unrealistic.

The original poster says her husband is not completely onboard - that is very similar to the situation my son experienced in his adoptive family. His amom was very gungho and ignored the reservations of the afather. Things did not turn out well for any of them. I think my son's experience is directly relevant and that is why I mentioned it.

What does drug use have to do with this discussion? I spoke about some adoptees, not all, so this just seems like a shot at first mothers, since there are many many first mothers who did not abuse their children in the womb, including myself. The original poster is not working with an expectant mother who is abusing drugs. So what does that have to do with this discussion other than lend support to the social workers concerns that adopted infants may suffer from more issues?

I do not understand what the social worker was supposed to do. She is not a counselor, and it is not her job to bully or persuade the poster's husband. He has valid concerns and the social worker listened to them. She is giving them some time to work things out. She sees issues for concern and it is probably beyond the scope of her credentials to fix them. It sounds like the posters may need to see a counselor. There is no shame in that. I needed a lot of counseling to deal with my grief over the loss of my son and the secondary infertility I have experienced. I do not believe that Adoption will heal the wounds caused by miscarriage. I believe those wounds should be addressed before moving on to adoption.

To the original poster, again, I am sorry for the losses that you have experienced, and I wish the best for you. [/FONT]

From the original poster: I did not go into the specifics of tying attachment disorders and such (of which I am very aware of through personal experience and that of others) with the possible bonding inutero with a birthmother. I felt the possible bonding theory had nothing to do with a cw'er who basically dismissed this couple with no further interviews until July. No, I do not give sweeping generalizations here. I speak from personal experience in adopting eight children of all ages. (And believe it or not, I don't think every couple who thinks adoption, should adopt. ) I do not rely on one personal experience. Believe me, we have had some horrible adoption situations too. I felt that your comment about 'wealth of information and statistics' gave an impression this was true for all (or even most) infants who were adopted. If this is not what you meant, I apologize. Even so, I felt this had nothing to do with a cw'er who was making an impression (and dismissal) after two visits. I also do not believe in a bonding theory of birthmother to birthchild for all situations. This is why I suggested a situation where a birthchild might be happier without a birthmother (drug use). I said nothing about you or any of the other birthmothers who had healthy pregnancies. I brought out the scenario to show that not all inutero experiences might lead to a biological bonding. To talk about how adoptees grieve, one has to look at all the possibilities and the reasonings for grief. In the case of your birthson, it would seem that the parents weren't prepared for adoption vs birth. This is huge, I agree; and certainly grounds for not feeling attached and loved by parents and family. But for a caseworker to state---after two visits---to 'call me in July'. No, I don't believe this was professional at all. I did not feel that this cw'er gave the couple good counsel. And yes, most caseworkers are versed in counseling and human resources, as I'm sure you know. IMO, it is the responsibility of the cw to discuss concerns and give suggestions based on several hours of discussion. Having had a lot of homestudies done over the years, I can say that with the half-dozen or more cw'ers, there have been none who have ever adopted or even fostered. I don't think this cw'er gave any guidance whatsoever. True, cw'ers are not often licensed counselors; but they are supposed to be trained in the area to 'help'...and give discussion to any problems, not just give a flat opinion and say, 'call me in July'. Sincerely, Linny

As the husband of 'shellydm' and a former reluctant husband, I would agree with the social worker. You've had terrible experiences with your miscarriages and I'm so sorry for you. But your husband is also going through the grieving process and needs to settle his feelings too. It took me probably a couple of years to 'come around' to adopting. My wife wanted to adopt for sometime and I always said no, but in my head I was constantly weighing the options and thinking about the possibility. Eventually my head turned and it felt right at that time. Your husband probably needs some time to think about it. I am very thankful that Shelly gave me the time to digest the idea and I think that I am very much a better father for it. If I went along at the wrong time, then I would possibly have felt resentful and trapped into doing something I didn't want to do. Also(being a man), he may 'internalize' his feelings. You may think that he's not even thinking about it, but he's probably mulling constantly over the idea in his head. Its probably not a good idea to nag(not saying that you are!) him about it or even talk about it unless he wants to. I realise that this is pretty selfish. I sometimes think that God put these feelings into my heart because we were meant to adopt our daughter at a certain place and time according to His timing.