How is everyone doing? Updates?

Cheryl I cannot imagine what you are going through. Reading your post I felt myself filling with tears, I know its the hardest thing you will ever do in your life handing your angel back. I am praying God will bless you and help you find peace. Always know that angel was with you for a reason and even if it was a little while, you touched an angel's heart. Knowing that you were there when an angel needed you, is such proof that your love is so very strong for a child. Being an adoptive mom myself, and at first being in a contested adoption I know its not easy..but in all adoption there are risk..and each of us, do it for the love of a child. I will pray for you and your family...

I need some help today. We are coming up on our termination on Friday and I am about to go insane with the stress. I think I've been nauseated for days now with no relief. We also found out that our niece has some other children living in the home that are young. They aren't hers, but belong to some man who has moved in with them. This broke my heart. We called CPS and were told that the visit would be made within the 72 hours and that a visit definitely would be made, but I'm still very upset. I'm worried about those children, and I'm afraid because my niece will automatically assume that someone from our family called. As many of you know, this is just another step since there are other children in the family who we're trying to keep safe, but it's a big step of course. I feel like I've lost myself in this process, especially in the last two months since we've had to speak with her. I keep replaying in my head the moment I had to give my baby back to her three years ago. I can't get away from that memory. Amy

I can only begin to imagine what you're feeling right now. What a very deep, disturbing, empty feeling. We were in a contested adoption and over and over again I played over who I would have to hand my baby girl over to if the birthfather got her back. I kept picturing that I could not have done it without a lot of support from our priest and people from our church . . . it was AWFUL to imagine it yet I couldn't go on not trying to see it in my head because I knew it would break me in two if I didn't get ready for it. As some of you know, we won the case but the feelings that I had and images that I saw have not entirely left. It's hard to trust that all will now be well. I guess that should give me a real glimpse into the hearts and minds of hurt children who have been shuffled around so much that they can't trust either. Anyway. I wanted to say, Amy, that I think you did the right thing to call CPS. They need to know about any other adult in the house and do a homestudy on that person, to be sure they are appropriate. So let them take the bull by the horns here. I have a friend that had fostered a beautiful little girl for 3 years and was about to lose her in a matter of days to the birthmother (who had 7 other children previously she lost to the system from abuse/neglect). TWO NIGHTS before they were to return her to the agency to be reuinfied with her birthmother, her mother got into a brawl with her boyfriend, threw a beer bottle through the window and the judge rescinded his decision for her return to her mother. My friend has since adopted her. I wish I had some advice to help you through this. The best I can do is "one step at a time, one moment at a time." It's truly the only way you can do it right now. I will pray very hard for you over the next couple of days.:hypno:

Oh Amy, how well I know this feeling. It is as though each day passes in sluggish remoteness. I, too, have lost myself in this process. I, too, know what it feels like to walk around wondering who I am, what I believe, how do I get through each day? As joskids said, I also replayed the same image over and over - and I had never even had to do that before. I can't imagine trying to go on knowing you have had to do this before. Oh, Honey, I am so sorry. Read what joskids wrote - she is so wise and brings so much understanding and validation. Read it again and again if you need to. Today is Wednesday and I imagine you are doing something similar to what I did which was just walk around in a dumbfounded state, trying to survive these next two days. Come here. Vent to us. Talk with us. Let us know how you are and what happens on Friday. My love and prayers are with you. ChristieS

I have had so much support from people on this forum. Thank God above we now have our final adoption. I have been through 2 years of such an emotional roller coaster. Emotionally draining. One thing I have learned never give up...for the sake of the children- Always know they are placed with us for a reason, rather it be for a few short hours, days or forever. These little angels need us..and God chose us to be with them for the amount of time God has planned. Christie S is amazing for support, and is the most courageous mommy!! Look to daddysangel for just the spiritual guidance...Everyone on this board just has been wonderful. So to everyone in contested adoptions - even though we now have peace-I will continue to look on this board, and just be there for couples who need me. Know there is hope and happy and peaceful endings...Looking into my son's eyes and seeing his smiling face is just proof that God sent us our blessing!! Keep the faith and prayers!

It's about 38 hours away. TPR that is. I am not in good shape. I feel like no one understands, except maybe y'all. Everyone is very sure that we will win and that all will be fine. Not even my relative who is going through the same thing with the same family. She probably does understand and I just am too paranoid to see it right now. Everyone looks at it like "hey, almost over!" and I want to look at it like that. But this is probably the worst week of the whole thing. Last night, we realized that our cat was not in the house and spent two hours looking for her. We did find her, but the added stress was terrible, and I kept telling myself that it was a bad omen or sign. Then today I was driving a friend's van who had just had new brakes put on. I was coming to a stop light, and couldn't stop. I was the only one in the car thankfully, and a police cruiser passed me just as I had to veer off into someone's yard to avoid a big intersection. I finally came to a stop on the street I was planning to cross after going through someone's yard. The officer tested the van and said it was definitely the brakes and helped me home. No one got hurt. No damage done to the vehicle or to the yard. I was actually calm when it happened. My partner has been home with me all week. This evening she gave me some benadryl on the advice of a nurse in the family because I was crying and nauseated. I even have a temperature. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I don't know if they are panic attacks or what. I'm incredibly worried that the people around me won't understand how stressful this is and think I'm going under. But I really think that that's all it is. Just total and complete fear. I keep wanting to act confident, but I just can't seem to pull it off. When I'm speaking on the phone to my friends and family who are trying to help me, I feel like my voice is flat with no animation. Almost like I'm just zoned out. I'm supposed to be a strong mom right? The one who keeps my child safe and protects her from these people? I don't feel strong. I feel crazy. Amy

So, one more thing. She did call us this evening and accused us of calling the state on her. Amy

We Won! Thanks for the kind words. Amy

WONDERFUL! I know you're feeling overwhelmed and very happy. This is good news for everyone to hear and keeps those who are not yet final feeling like there's something to look forward to in all of this. I'm very happy for you. Congratulations!!!!

Amy I am so thankful for you and your family. Knowing what it is like to have to go through this, and am especially grateful that you have not had to endure as many years of the pain this puts parents through. I am saying a prayer of thanks. Every "win" for the child is a blessing for those of us still going through this. You have been strong, courageous, loving, and I am so happy for you. ChristieS

Cheryl, honey I am still thinking of you and praying for you every day. I hope your sister was able to come and help you through some of the pain. You are loved and prayed for and cared for by so many of us on this board. SadMomma's post to you really touched my heart as she too had to return her child. Daddysangel - I am anxiously waiting word, as you are, and continue to PRAY for wisdom for the judges and that they may put your sweet child FIRST. I believe she will remain with you and DW not because of the legal aspect - but because the birthfather has so explicitly shown a lack of interest in parenting, or even in knowing how your daughter is doing. Being in a very similar situation I do know that that knowledge does not always bring peace or a lessening of the anger and extreme frustration with the judicial system. Because there is always that "What if.." that is so terrible to contemplate that it takes every ounce of energy to either face it or to try and ignore it. That is terribly exhausting and scary. YOU have done so well helping your DW and remaining STRONG for her. Know that you may come here - or come to me separately - to let some of that out. I AM HERE FOR YOU - no matter what - day or night - through it all. I love you both and continue to pray for not only all of you - but particularly your children: Cheryl I pray for your child to be surrounded by loving angels and that he is protected with love and wisdom. Daddysangel - I pray for your sweet girl that she will remain secure and loved where she is and that she help YOU know that she IS YOUR CHILD - NO MATTER WHAT. Christie

Amy, I'm so glad for you!!!!! I love to know that these dear children are in the right place with loving parents. I am grinning from ear to ear and my heart is singing for you! We are getting through this. We still pray for our little Isaac, but I have to trust that angels will watch over him. My heart is healing. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers from everyone! Amy--you go girl! Love and hug your little one for us all! Cheryl

Cheryl, what a wonderful attitude you have. I am happy to hear that you are healing. I know it will be a slow process and cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I hope that good things come to you very soon. God knows and sees you.

Char - any news yet? How is your sweet baby doing? Cheryl, I am thinking of you and praying for you and baby. May you find healing and peace and may he be protected.

I spoke with the lawyer late last week. He sounded confident about the prospects of termination and finalization going through smoothly. . . of course, they always sound confident! He believes that we will be able to finalize in late August/early September. From talking with him, I did learn (once again) that my agency really doesn't know a whole lot. Some of the critical information they gave me (critical to my peace of mind) was flat out wrong. I don't know if they misunderstood, or were just trying to appease me, but ugh! It's frustrating. Cheryl, I am so, so sorry to read about your son. I know how devastating it is to have to return your child. I have never felt a deeper hurt. I am keeping your family (including your son) in my thoughts and prayers. Char