Taking a secret to the grave

i feel your anger.i am also in those shoes.i found out at 42 that i was adopted.i found my bmother,i had known her all my life.i thought she was my oldest sister,my she is my bmother.the people who raised me,that i thought was my mom and dad,were actually my real grandparents.they both took that secret to their graves as well.my bmother told me the father's name,but it turned out to be bogus.i can't get no more info out of her.now at 50,i have some chronic health issues,you would think she would give me more info,but she won't.

I am so sorry Tully that your mother won't tell you more about your bfather. Everyone deserves the right to know of their ancestry. I am lucky that I had a relative who told me the truth before it was too late - I truly believe that she is the only one that would have told me - which is a scary thought - that I may have never known. I still haven't had "real" contact with bdad (just emails) - but at least we both have the option of choosing whether we have a relationship or not. I once read somewhere that the speed you deal with reunions is at the speed of the slowest person. That's keeping me sane. I do so hope that your mother changes her mind and tells you more. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

In the UK there was a programme "who do you think you are" and a celebrity called David Dickinson (antiques expert) found out he was adopted very late in life. He found his bmom but she would not meet him, although they corresponded for 20years before she died. I found that tragic and heart breaking, in fact I cried watching it. That poor man. When you watched the programme however, it did reveal that his mother in the 1930's? 1940's had had an affair with a married man resulting in his birth. I dont think any of us can imagine the stigma, shame and absolute rigid fear that being a single mother in those days particularly could have felt. So entrenched, that this woman in this side of the century was still unable to meet her own son. Carrying that thought further, I can imagine how a mother will not, even to her deathbed, reveal the identity of the father. There may be much to protect. There may be a skewed sense of loyalty to that man, or fear of reprisals, socially or whatever, but emotionally that woman was gripped by something we may never get to understand. Society was governed by a strict class structure. She was an Indian woman. Even today, the caste system shows that it exists today. All I am trying to say is that although we can think it is our right to know and the freedom of information act is one expression of that freedom we are able to have today, in those days, the "system" silenced people, even to the grave. I do wonder what happened between your mum and your father that may have silenced her to her grave and what she felt was the right thing to do. Just a few thoughts.

If you know who he is,then see what medical history you can get from him.Although,you may not need it at the moment,doesn't mean that down the road you will. I wished I knew who my bfather was so I could get that info,because I have health issues where I could really use it right now.Don't be like mum and wait until it's too late.

JannyRoo - I take on board what you're saying. However, as an adult I feel I had the right to know about my heritage (as everyone does) - no matter what the circumstances of my conception are, "good" or "bad." It's the risk I am prepared to take - and should have the option to take. To not have that opportunity is morally wrong. Tulley, I do have the medical info, which I am extremely grateful for - but I guess I want more. Katie

Hi Katie, I think you misunderstood what I was saying and I wasn't saying that you shouldn't search and find your heritage. I was just commenting on how you mom may have found it hard to tell you about your birthdad because of what was happening behind the scenes, so I was relating an experience that became common knowledge (because it was on TV). I wasn't saying that you shouldn't search and find, no way! I just thought that this example may be a similar situation (from that generation?) and perhaps food for thought as to why your mom couldn't go as far as giving you more details of your dad. I'm not excusing her, I'm just saying that there may be a reason that is too painful for her. Thats all. Sorry I wasn't clearer.

Socrmom3, I read your post and agree. For those of us who have been through the adoption process it is difficult to determine the reasons for why things were done. When I was adopted, there were no child laws. It was a different era. Married couples were concerned that they were unable to have children. The result was a great deal of secrecy that surrounded the adoption process. State and local governments have played a part in hiding parts of the truth from many adoptees, and often so has close family.In my own case, I was sold into adoption in 1935 through a black market system. My first a-mom could not have children and was the only reason for my adoption. My a-father did not want or like children. At age 3, when that a-mom died, I was left with an a-father who became a single parent to a child he didn't want. He abandoned me.His 2nd wife didn't want me either. I was a part of a decision that was made earlier by a now dead 1st wife.For the next 18 years my a-father was distant and gone a great deal of the time. I never knew him. He considered me too stupid to have any conversation.Due to my black market origins, I was tainted and suspect and an outsider. I had no merit or value.When I was 18 my a-father extracted from me a promise that if anything happened to him as a result of his recent surgery, that I would take care of an abusive a-mom who cared little for me.When I finally agreed, he dismissed me. Four days later he was dead...taking with him all of the adoption information that would have meant so much to me. His actions have been a lifelong reminder of the low level of my status within my a-family. There was so much that could have been shared, but even now, after 74 years, my adoption remains a sordid transaction. The lifelong feelings of grief and loss associated with my adoption have been compounded by knowing that for me, there will never be a re-union. My search for b-family will remain unresolved.My story has a black, and sordid beginning, a middle, but no ending. The door to the trail of information has closed....only the grief and loss remains.Drywall

Drywall - I've been following your story since you joined up here, and I've been wanting to ask you if you were born in the Tennessee area. There was a horrible woman back in the 1930s and 1940s named Georgia Tann. She was the notorious ringleader of a black-market operation who was in cahoots with a juvenile-court judge in Bolivar County down in Tennessee. A new book about her was published either last year or the year before; there was also a movie made about her around ten years ago, with Mary Tyler Moore playing the lead role.I understand that some of the "babies" sold by Georgia Tann have been able to get some records from the state government in recent years. I *think* that the Tennessee State Legislature even passed some type of law that opened these records up.

i wished i had the answer for you,but i don't.for me,it has been a mental struggle since i found out.a good thought is,that you have found your bfather.I have not,and my bmother is not ever going to give me the truth.I asked why my adopted parents took the secret to the gave?Siblings told me it was to protect me,they didn't ever want me to know the truth.Well,that didn't happen,42 years later,when my purse was stolen from work,and i couldn't get a new birth certificate,she had to confess.It's tuff to deal with,but you need to find a way,whatever it might be.

i feel so sad for you,i know the pain you are going through.Although,I did find out who my bmother was,I don't know the bfather. What happened to you is heart wrenching and I believe that no child should ever have had to go through what we have been through.We did not ask to be brought into this world and what the parents don't understand is how later in life it does effect us. God Bless You.

...thanx Ravensong for your kind thots. You may ask anything you like and I will share .I was a Black Market child sold into adoption through the Veil Hospital for Unwed Mothers in W. Chester, PA. It was closed by the state in 1939.Your right, Georgia Tann was a notorious TN lady also involved in the Black Market sale of children. Bessie Bernard, and a Dr. Niles in DE were also involved in the Black Market. Bessie Bernard had black market connections as far south as Miami, and as far north as NY. She was prosecuted, but when her sentence was completed, she continued her black market connections.Research indicates that the state of PA is holding 136 court records for children who were sold through the Veil Hospital, in W. Chester. The state has sealed the records, so searches of the records of those children can never be completed. Additionally what is known, is that the birth names of the children were falsified. In the 45 years I have searched, no evidence of a birth family has ever been uncovered. Drywall

Is there any legal recourse at all possible to get these records unsealed? Would it help to start a petition that you could give to state senators? I'm sure you would have no problem at all getting people here to sign a petition.

To add to what Raven said...Have you ever thought about contacting the media, or the locator?

Raven...the Philadelphia Forum has long advocated open records. There is a large meeting taking place in July in King Of Prussia, PA. Hopefully there will be media coverage. The PA legislature has strong ties with the Catholic church and it is the churches interest that has been the stimulus for sealing the records.The second problem is the falsification of the birth names of the adoptees. Many are invalid. Even if the records were unsealed there can be no search due to the lack of validity of the birth names.I had a meeting with the judge and what is contained in the adoption records is nothing more than the court proceedings at the time of the adoption. The original records have all been destroyed.If you want to read more on the black market operations and the people involved, take a look at the web site Aunt Pattys Story board. Due to my birth family search, I have posted my story.Thanx for your concern.Drywall

This is a subject that has always troubled me as a birth mother. I believe that adoptees should have full access to their own records. (Of course I never have really liked secrets.) I always wanted D to be able to find me, although like many bmoms of my era, I didn't feel I had the right to intrude. I was lucky: D's parents were true to their promise to the agency so that D grew up knowing he was adopted and they shared the very little info they had with him. Unfortunately, when he started to look, the agency his parents had used was closed. I was able to locate him on this site because he had registered and had listed the hospital where he was born. I knew then that he was interested in at least some info. All I can say is keep trying. D had registered about 5 years before I found him.