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I was kept by my bmother for 7 months. The entire time I was ignored and basically only fed and changed(basic needs met). emotionally I was already abandoned.
Then one day she found a man who would marry her. But only if she got rid of me. which she couldn't do fast enough. I went right to social services and put into a foster home for 3 months. The foster home was a place where I was also neglected. Left in a play pen all day long and fed pudding until I was so chubby from fatty food and lack of exercise that I couldn't walk but fell and rolled. They also beat me at night so that I learned to "fake" sleeping when I was only 10 months old whenever I heard an adult enter my room.
I was adopted at 10 months and although things were wonderful at first. A few years into things my afather managed to become an alcoholic.
Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic knows what that entails. He was never physically abusive. But the chaos and instability was damaging. I was always nervous waiting for him to come home at night. knowing he would be drunk and hoping that he didn't for some reason pick me out to target with his drunken raving so that my amom would have to jump in and fight with him leaving me feeling guilty for "starting" things in the first place.
I was married at 17. In later years I have come to believe that it was just as much to get out of an alcoholic home as it was for love.
when I was 21 I had our first child. a beautiful daughter. the only person I'd ever actually met who was related to me by blood. She was FANTASTIC!! But, my unlucky streak continued and at 14 months old she died of SIDS.
I have since had 3 more children. All wonderful of course. But my husband has recently accused me of being a control freak.
I guess I do have a tendancy towards being controlling but I have to say that in my defence whenever my life was not in my control terrible traumatic things occured.
Is it really any wonder that I am a control freak?
Is it any wonder that I am obsessive compuslive?
Is it any wonder that I had low self esteem?
Is it any wonder that I starting biting my nails as a toddler and didn't stop until I was 30?
Is it any wonder that I am so terrified that my husband will become an alcoholic that I won't let him drink anything ever?
I don't know how to get over these things but I don't think they are irrational. I think I have very valid reasons for being the freak that I am.
I will also say that I think I am doing well. I have been married 20 years. Have 3 very beautiful, intelligent children and i take pride in that accomplishment.(especially considering the fact that being a good mother isn't genetic in this case)
I have a few great friends and all in all I think the fact that I'm functioning AT ALL is pretty miraculous:)
Just needed to vent.
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I'm a reunited adoptee who has gone through the needing to be totally in control of (as I look back) REALLY petty things that no "normal" person would even think about... After some counseling I realized that it was probably tied to the lack of control that I had in my life... being surrendered for adoption .. and growing up in a loving home with mental health/control/anxiety issues. There came a time when I couldn't ignore MY needs anymore... I ignored many of the warning signs leading to depression until I was almost there... It was during counseling for this that I decided to search for and locate my bmother... It will be 6 years June 20 that we have had each other in our lives... and my only regret is that I didn't do this "work" sooner. I realized that having secrets kept from me being adopted... having to write "Adopted.. Don't Know" on EVERY medical form that I had to fill out was MUCH harder than the fear I was facing actually doing the search... so I did it.. and the rest is history... I hope you are able to find peace for your soul.. and the answers that you seek.. sal
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annelizly
I was kept by my bmother for 7 months. The entire time I was ignored and basically only fed and changed(basic needs met). emotionally I was already abandoned. Then one day she found a man who would marry her. But only if she got rid of me. which she couldn't do fast enough. I went right to social services and put into a foster home for 3 months. The foster home was a place where I was also neglected. Left in a play pen all day long and fed pudding until I was so chubby from fatty food and lack of exercise that I couldn't walk but fell and rolled. They also beat me at night so that I learned to "fake" sleeping when I was only 10 months old whenever I heard an adult enter my room. I was adopted at 10 months and although things were wonderful at first. A few years into things my afather managed to become an alcoholic. Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic knows what that entails. He was never physically abusive. But the chaos and instability was damaging. I was always nervous waiting for him to come home at night. knowing he would be drunk and hoping that he didn't for some reason pick me out to target with his drunken raving so that my amom would have to jump in and fight with him leaving me feeling guilty for "starting" things in the first place. I was married at 17. In later years I have come to believe that it was just as much to get out of an alcoholic home as it was for love. when I was 21 I had our first child. a beautiful daughter. the only person I'd ever actually met who was related to me by blood. She was FANTASTIC!! But, my unlucky streak continued and at 14 months old she died of SIDS. I have since had 3 more children. All wonderful of course. But my husband has recently accused me of being a control freak. I guess I do have a tendancy towards being controlling but I have to say that in my defence whenever my life was not in my control terrible traumatic things occured. Is it really any wonder that I am a control freak?Is it any wonder that I am obsessive compuslive?Is it any wonder that I had low self esteem?Is it any wonder that I starting biting my nails as a toddler and didn't stop until I was 30?Is it any wonder that I am so terrified that my husband will become an alcoholic that I won't let him drink anything ever? I don't know how to get over these things but I don't think they are irrational. I think I have very valid reasons for being the freak that I am. I will also say that I think I am doing well. I have been married 20 years. Have 3 very beautiful, intelligent children and i take pride in that accomplishment.(especially considering the fact that being a good mother isn't genetic in this case) I have a few great friends and all in all I think the fact that I'm functioning AT ALL is pretty miraculous:) Just needed to vent.