What should she call b-mom?

Since she is 11 years old I think she should have a big say in what she feels comfortable calling each of you. It sounds like you all seem to know who she is talking about, so unless it's a big issue I think I'd just leave things as they are. Technically you are both her Mom and always will be. There are all kind of options. have her call birthmom by only her first name (ie... Kelly)maybe add her first name like (Momma Kelly). maybe "my birthmom" "my birthmom Kelly" birthmom/biological mom/first mom whatever feels comfortable for you all. I think with her being as old as she is she should have the choice to call her what she feels most comfortable with. We used to use something like "Momma kelly" but now our kids just call them by their first names or if they are talking about who they are they say "my birthmom". But my kids were also much younger when we got them.

I wouldn't say a word to your daughter about what she calls whom. I also would never refer, in conversation, to the first mother by anything other than her first name. If a third party needs clarification of who we are talking about and it is appropriate, I would say, "DD's first mother."

In our family the a-mom was Mom and the bio mom was 'Jane', unless he was talking directly to her or she was in the room, then she was 'Mom' as well. The two moms weren't together in the same room often enough for this to be an issue. The important thing was that HE knew what he was talking about.

It sounds wonderful as it is,IMO.For clarification purposes, I sometimes have to say my "other" mom. I love that you allow her to call both of you Mom. You must be a great Mom,IMO......

Thank you lonni. She just got home from spending the weekend with b g'ma and b mom. I am so glad that we can have such an open relationship as I think it is so good for T. she still has a hard time showing affection to me or Dad when they are around, or to them when I am there. The day will come though when she will realize that we all just love her, and letting me see that she loves her birth family is not being disloyal, and vice versa.

Glad the adoption has finalized. Haven't chatted with you in ages. How amazing you are in an open adoption. I haven't an answer for you on this -- just saw your familiar name from the chatroom and wanted to say hello. ~d

yes dragon, so now we have two completed adoptions and are looking for number three - we want ne more girl..... some days I am not sure why. lol It has been a long time since I have seen you. Do you ever come to chat anymore?

Mrs. Red it sounds like your daughter knows who she's talking about at all times. I think in your shoes, I would simply refer to her bmom by her first name. (Of course what do I know: everyone in D's family calls me Kathy!)

No I haven't been in prob six months. We've moved and moved again. Once to another town and then again into a house we bought (our first!). After this summer (and some down time) we're going to start foster-adopt process. I'm so happy for ya! Two completed adoptions :). We're headed for number three and some folks think we're nuts - but we're still wanting to ;).

i think at this age, she should decide. my older children were 8 and 9 when they moved in...we never discussed who would be called what...in their timing, not mine, they called us mom and dad....to this day, they still call their bioparents mom and dad with very little qualifying...every once in a while i will hear "my mom" or "my mom 'abby'"...but VERY rarely.....I think if they can keep it straight, they should make the choice. i think most children are VERY loyal to parents...both sides, and even at the tender age of 11, would not want to hurt either side with a changing of names. my guess is what your child, and mine, are doing, IS what is easiest for THEM. :)

I thought I might offer a little of what I did in regards to stopping any triangulation that might occur in the future if your daughter is going to continue to have contact with biomom. I'm an adoptive parent of foster children but my story I'll relate is how I and my foster children's mother formed a bond that prevents the kids from traingulating. The kids (four of them) were with me for 5 yrs, half of the youngest child's life. Their mom was also in jail for drug issues. She's now out and turned her life around to the point where her children are now able to be with her. About a year into their placement we discussed each of our roles and voiced what we found admirable in each other (I had to do this by visiting her in jail). We found mutual respect for each other and stated we would always be supportive to each other. She has even stated to her family that if anything ever happens she wants us to raise her children. Since I have a good relationship with her mom (kids' gma) this works out well (sounds like you have a good relationship too). We also never say anything but positive words about the other person, even if the only thing I could sometimes find was that I knew their mom loved them very much. This has meant we NEVER keep important information from each other. I let her know when the agency was attempting TPR and explained how she could try to meet her case plan goals even while finishing her jail time. Now that they are home we continue this type of open communication. Considering she's their mother and I'm just the former foster parent she doesn't technically have to do this (just like you're "the mom" and she's the "first mom"), but we found that it was in the best interest of her children that we are on the same page and form a bond. In this respect we never do anything behind each others back and whenever either of us have a problem we have the other person to back them up. When the 15yr old recently got pregnant on purpose by a 20something drug seller her mother's first response was "What do you think Mark and April will think?" Then she turned around and made her daughter call and tell us. Her mom trusted us so she allowed her to call privately. At first I could tell she was trying to manipulate the situation. Our response was "You need to listen to your mom, she will make the right decision for you". Yeah... she was not a happy 15yr old. She really thought she was going to pull the wool over my eyes and what she learned was that I'm not her friend... I'm the "other mom" and I was there to support "the mom". I have all kinds of different ways we have shown support for each other. As your daughter ages she may very well benefit from having her biomom in contact provided she is a good influence in your daughter's life... and part of that starts with you. Your posting sounds very much like you are well on your way to forming this type of bond and I congratulate you on the relationship you are forming. I just wanted to share my experience to help support you on your journey.

Just wanted to say I think youre great Red! and i think it is super special that you let your child call you both Mom - confusing though it may be!

Thank you "TG". This has been an interesting relationship to iron out, but it is definately in dd's best interest. Yesterday was dd's dance recital and we invited birth-mother, grandmother and sister to attend. It was so wonderful to share the experience. It was great for dd to look out into the audience, and there in the 2nd and 3rd rows were her two mom's, one dad, two brothers (by adoption), one birth sister (that g'ma has custody of), three grandmothers, one grandfather, two aunts, two cousins and fiive close family firends watching her. I was sitting behind birth mom and g'ma, so when T was dancing I was leaning forward onto the seatbacks of them to brace my camera. all three of us were in tears! God is so good to lead us to this place.