Is Birth father part of reunion?

I married the bdad but it hasn't been easy in reunion. He does not want "our" kids to know - yet. He has mixed feelings but I think it is because his parents are still alive and they, and the rest of his family, have pretended that our bson was never born. My parents and one daughter are now aware of the beginnings of reunion and our other daughter will be told when she finishes exams in 2 weeks - I thought it best to wait so she has the summer to deal with her emotions. Both our other kids were kept in the dark on the request of his family but I am learning that secrets are more destructive than the truth. My bson and I are in a bit of a pull back mode (I think) so it is very hard for me as I'm not sure if he wants a relationship or not but I'm not pushing. I keep everything to myself as it makes it easier all round. I'm hopeful for everyone to find their own comfort zone.

Keds, I agree with you that secrets are more distructive than the truth. I was glad that my (other) children already knew about D when I found him. I'm amazed that your children don't "share". When I told my son about D, he immediately told his sister; I hadn't planned to tell her yet... so much for that plan. D was an open secret with my extended family... People knew but never talked about it. I only talked about it with some of them. Since the "reunion" I'm much more vocal, I find. I hope your inlaws will eventually choose to meet him and he will be seen as part of the family.

DD's bdad...oh what a story he is! i was more than a few states away when she was born and he knew about her...but never saw her. he signed the papers, etc. his dad pieced the ripped papers together and confronted me, telling me that i needed to leave his son alone to cope with this news and the fact that he himself had been adopted. we parted ways with me saying that i would never let him deny DD as his own. fast forward to a few months ago...i have been in contact with DD since last year and she knows of him, has pics of him, etc. i made the decision that i would try to contact him, as i didn't want DD or her mom hurt by him. it was a very nondescript letter, saying that DD didn't want anything from him...just to know him. i waited almost 2 months for a reply...and i got it. he pretty much attacked me and my character, stating that he was glad i got to meet my daughter, but he always had doubts she was his. he went on to mention he had two sons and his health problems-so basically, giving DD some medical info. i took it upon myself to email him with a letter that stated DD would happily give him a dna test...that she looked like him and me(more specifically him when she was around 10) and that he was a grandpa. i never got a response, though i passed on the contact info to DD and DD's mom wrote him, so we wait and see if he answers and i'm curious about his response to the pics where DD looks just like him. and being that he has two sons...there's a girl version of him out there too...interesting! thus far, he has no real part in reunion with his DD, nor with me. if DD visits us, and has contact with her bdad and wants to meet him...i've already said i would gladly go with her...because i don't want him hurting her, consciously or any other way. i guess that's the momma bear in me!

Eliza4 - you've done all that you can do. Remaining impartial is key. If he doesn't want, or need, to know her that is his loss. If you prepare for it, so will she. Kathy, thanks again for always providing sound advice. As for my kids, the 2 girls are as different as night and day and the young one has "problems" with friends at the moment so both the older one and I are not keen on adding to the pile. I think that is the only reason that she hasn't "shared". I wouldn't be upset that she did. My husband's family are unlikely to come around but I won't let that get in the way of our reunion. I too, will protect my bson but he will be well aware that my mom carries a picture of him in her wallet and his parents just haven't been able to cope - a sign of the times when he was born. I have only recently given up the "facade" and if anyone asks me I answer truthfully. My goodness, the Dr. was right - the truth does set you free. Obviously, some people aren't there yet and I have my moments when I wish that I could just lay down and never wake up, but at the same time, I realize that I would miss out on so much. Keep fighting the fight and realize that you can't change other people so you have to be strong for yourself and let your child - whether 10 or 40, know that you are there for him/her whatever comes down the pipe. In the end all anyone wants is to love and be loved in return. All the best. :prop:

bdad's last name is the ONLY thing I've managed to forget about the whole process (as part of the 'forget about it move on with your life attitude about adoption') I wish I did remember! I've tried a few thigns to help jog it. I asked the social worker who helped me to find bson if she could reveal the name (can't). Anyway, it's completely in bson's court as to whether or not he finds bdad. I would like to know about it though! More because I'm curious. I'm pretty sure there won't be any 'all reunite together' thing. I'm fairly sure that bdad has 'forgotten, moved on' Don't know though!

hi i'm a bfather, i'm hoping to meet with my bdaughter as she has expressed an interest, bmother is not on the scene and the adoption was her choice with me having very little say in the matter. bfathers get alot of grief and are often neglected in reunions which i feel is very unfair as unlike bmother, i have waited 18 years for the chance to meet my daughter, what are your views on this

Jadesdad, every situation is different. The stereotype is of course the bdad who takes off as soon as he finds out the girl is pregnant and wants nothing to do with her or the child. That, as I said, is the stereotype; I have no statistics on how often it happens that way. I think there's a unique bond wetween mother and child, simply (or not so simply, LOL) because the child grew inside the mother for 9 months - an intimate relationship unmatched by anything else we experience in this world. Having said that, however, there are many women who want nothing to do with their children and there are many men who are not "deadbeat" dads. I probably did D's bdad a disservice by not telling him about D until after his birth (In my defence, he became engaged to someone else soon after I became pregnant and was married by the time D was born.) He did know about D however, and it's one of my biggest regrets that he died of cancer before I found D. I honor you for your desire to get to know your daughter and I hope it happens for you soon.

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I asked my son very shortly into reunion if he would be interested in contacting his bfather. Big mistake. I since learned from my adoption counsellor that it is always best to let the adoptee establish a relationship with the birthmother first, thats the person they 99 times out of 100 want to contact first. She suggested that in her experience, its generally only when the adoptee feels established with the bmother that they may then get thoughts about their bfather. The suggestion was to let them bring up the subject and let them pursue it. How I wished I'd have known that before. 2 weeks into reunion (gasp) I asked my son if he was interested in contacting his bfather. He said yes (I've since realised that just because it sounds a good idea doesn't necessarily mean that it is) and I'd already found bfathers brother on the internet search and then made an effort to contact him which led me to emailing his father (no alternative, he's out of the country half of the year) with a sensitively worded email. I had a response within 24 hours, politely declining but wishing us both the best. When my son asked for the information a few days later - I don't think I've ever heard so many different swear words in a minute that he came out with. I got the blame for it all and the indifference to my feelings and what I'd gone through and put to one side for my son's benefit was thrown back in my face. The heartlessness of his reaction to myself tore my heart out and rubbished it. It was dreadful. When i told my (then) counsellor, I received a ticking off and a lecture on you "never....." Yeh, well, I retorted back pretty quickly on that one, I don't need you to beat me up, because I've done a pretty good job of that already. Anyway, what she was asking and I told her, was like asking me to row in a rowing boat when a tsunami has just hit!!! When the "wave" catches you, you are sucked along with it - powerless and it was the same when my son and I were on a high after reunion thinking that bfather would complete the "happy" picture. Looking back, we were both in fantasy land, something which I was advised about. For quite some time my son responded to me still in that fantasy he had of me and I had to bring him down to earth with a bump and try and get him to see the real me. Going back to the bfather though, the rejection was extremely painful for my son, and I regret being the one to offer the possibility to him when there was absolutely no way he was ready for it. He still isn't. Since then I've realised that if he wants to search for his bfather and confront him (which is how he feels) then I would be best placed to leave that decision to my son. Hope this helps anyone contemplating doing what I've done, it dented and almost stopped our relationship from going anywhere, but we got through it.

It is so hard to do the right thing isn't it? I had the good sense to wait until D asked about his bdad... I dreaded having to tell D he's been dead since 2000. I had already contacted bdad's widow and let her know (2nd wife who always knew about D); her youngest is D's half-brother. I have to fight myself - I really want to contact D's brother, but I've given D the info I have and left it up to him. I hope he will have a relationship with his brother someday. I question any counselor who responds like yours did As you said... that was definitely UNHELPFUL!!! (I might have checked to see how you were beating yourself up because you'd already figured out the mistake) More helpful would have been to explore "What do I (you) do now?" We can't change the past (if we could, I know a lot of bmoms who would have changed LOTS of decisions!) but we can choose to move on from here.

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When I met my daughter F2F the first time, her bdad was at the airport to meet her too. They went out to dinner that night and within a month he disapeared and no one has been able to contact him since. He just doesn't want anything to do with his daughter. That was in 1997. We still haven't heard from him since. But as you may have read, my daughter doesn't have anything to do with me anymore either and I don't know if she ever will. Rylee

I'm sorry Rylee, while there are no guarantees, at least she can find you easily when/if she is ready. Do you think her bfather's disappearance affected your relationship with birth daughter?

I don't know if I'll ever have her back in my life. But yes she definitely does know how to find me if she wants to. As for her bdad skipping out on her having any affect on hers and my relationship goes, no I don't think his disapearing has anything to do with her now. If it had, we wouldn't have had the 5 years we did before her amom threatened her with taking her out of her will if she ever contacted me again. That's what her not contacting me has to do with. However thinking about it right now, if her bdad and his family had accepted her like our family did in spite of everything, maybe she would have not cared about her amom's threats and who knows, maybe she would have stuck around too. I just don't know. Rylee

Part of the problem is, we never really know the answers, do we? Your bdaughter is really in a hard place.