Bonding

I felt an instand bond with my oldest son. With my youngest son I had a harder time for some reason. I think adjusting from 1 to 2 was much harder than I figured it would be. I felt like i was babysitting for awhile. I am bonded with him now and feel like his Mother, but at first, it was rather difficult!

I certainly understand your feelings Bajj. My first son is bio and I still had trouble with the feeling of Oh Wow I am now a mom. Not that I didn't love him but now what do I do, how do I raise this little baby into a decent human being. Life fell into place and he is an awesome boy (was a great baby) to this day. We decided to add to our family thru adoption (long story). When we brought our youngest son home all I did the first night was cry. I held my oldest son for quite while who was just starting to understand he was not the one and only that he had been for the last 4 years. I really began to question myself with what did I just do to our family. I knew that we wanted more children but all of a sudden after 4 years of only one child we went to 2. I have to say that the days and weeks that followed we as a family really bonded with this little guy and we formed a family. My sons are my life and they are brothers. They like to fight, wrestle and then the next minute hug and play a game together. Thats a family and I love them dearly.

OK, I want to preface this with saying it is MY OPINION! I think there is a myth, both with adoption and giving birth, that you will love your child with an all consuming love the minute you hold them for the first time. I think it is dangerous to believe in this, because you are setting yourself up for heartache. We adopted first. I must confess, when I saw Timo's picture for the first time, there was a feeling of right-ness, that I could bring this child into my life and be his mom. Now, I don't know if I could have felt that for ANY child, since a child is what I wanted, and there one was! But, I carried that picture with me for 10 months, and in my mind and heart, he gained a personality, and I thought I knew who he was. When I finally got to meet him, I was so scared. I realized that he would not be the child who lived in my mind. Other than a few pictures of him, I had no idea who he was as a person. When he was placed in my arms, I had to take him outside and look into his eyes. I had to honestly think to myself, who are you? There was no all consuming love, because he was a child I had never met, who was going to be my son, yes, but who was as foreign to me as any child I pass in the supermarket. I felt so lost, and confused. Wasn't I supposed to fall in love with this child the moment I touched him? But the child inmy head was not the chidl in my arms, and I had to come to terms with that and come to love the one in my arms. I would say I loved him fully when I knew we were taking him out of the orphanage for good. There was so much doubt, it was like I had to hold that back to protect myself. But, when he was brought in to us that final time, it was like the mommy inside took over. I was ready to be who he needed me to be for him. However, it was nothing close to the "mommy love" that I now feel for him. I had to get to know him, care for him, and FINALLY think of him as my own before this happened. And it wasn't instantaneous. I don't know when it happened, just that it is there now! All I had ever read and heard about adoption was stories that people had this almost religious experience when they met their child. When I did not have this, I had a hard time. I doubted myself and the adoption. It did not help that I was in Central America by myself with a very sick baby, and kept getting parasites myself. I do not remember that time with happiness, rather I am just glad I got through it and did not have to go straight into a mental hospital on my return home! When we found out we were pregnant 6 weeks after I got home, I was a wreck. Here I was, just starting to really bond with this baby, and God decides to throw a monkey wrench into everything. I had a horrid first trimester, but by the second was feeling better, physically. Yet I could not be happy about the pregnancy. I was almost resentful, and I could not figure out why. I was not good to be around, and my poor husband did not know what to do with me. I remember once I was sick, and Timo was standing right next to me screaming his head off because he wanted his milk. Then, I hear the dog in my bedroom throwing up. All at the same time! My thoughts were, "I can't hurt myself right now because then Timo would be alone all day." It was like a shock. I knew then I needed help. So, I began seeing a shrink. She and I were talking about the whole first love thing with adoption, and how dangerous it is to think it is the norm. She asked me if I was scared I wouldn't feel that "instant love" with the new baby also. And it hit me. I was scared I would feel it. I was so scared Timo woudl be slighted in that also.Turns out I was ok. When Marco was born, I was too tired after 2 hours of pushing to worry about how I felt about him. To be honest, I was just glad he was out! There was no surge of love, just relief that it was over. I'd had no idea they would turn off the epidural for the pushing, so I was not ready for all the pain I'd gone through. For me, the momma bear love comes through taking care of my kids, and figuring out who they are. It is there, but it was not instant. People may be shocked that I can say that, but I feel like even if I am the lone person saying it, maybe someone else will read this and not feel so bad when they do not feel it. Sorry this is so long, but it is something I feel passionate about. I woudl have been saved so much if I had read about someone feeling the same way.

Thank you Dawn Renee. I appreciate your comments and hope others see that it is normal to feel this way in the beginning. Everyone is open to have their own opinions and feelings.