Were you ever curious when you were at college?

half adoptee point of view here..... honestly in college i don't think that i was one bit curious about my biodad. i do know that i had a lot of respect for my mother at that time because she had me at 17 and i was around that age and couldn't imagine having a baby to take care of. i thought more about my biodad when i was an adolescent (started wondering around age 12) and in high school (at that stage i was angry about it)...college was too busy with frat parties, dorm room drama, classes and boyfriends. once i graduated college and established a career (same career as my mother i might add) i had tried to put those questions to the back of my mind, but they did pop in occasionally. it really wasn't until i moved 3000 miles away from my family and went back to school and started a second career that i was constantly thinking about my adoption and my biodad and his family. i think the physical seperation from my mother and my family forced me to look inside myself and find out who i really was. i don't think i had the capacity or understanding for myself to do that while in college.

I'm not expecting DD to reach out right now. I want her to be in a good place when (if) we ever meet. Which means she needs to do what every 18 (almost 19) year old needs to do. If there was a possiblity that she thinks or wonders...even for a split second then I can still try my best to remain patient. I know at that age I thought about her constantly...but then again, I was 18 when I had her.

[FONT="Verdana"]Hi, I'm a firstmom, but I thought I could offer a little insight from my own experience.

My son was definitely thinking about me and wanting to know me as a teenager and while in college. My son searched for and found me at 19 (at the prompting of his amom, who saw how he was struggling). I am conflicted about whether that was a good time FOR HIM to do that, and I wish he would have waited until he was ready. He had been really struggling and wondering about me, and I know I had been really wanting to find him. I think he needed to find me because he was really struggling to figure out who he was - and he needed to know his first family in order to do that. However, he wasn't strong enough and detached enough from the adoptive family yet to be able to make decisions that were about what HE NEEDED from reunion. Instead he bowed to pressure from friends and family regarding what they thought our reunion should be, and so our reunion went south for a few years. I have since found out that during that time he had a really difficult time, and I regret letting the afamily push me out of the picture. He needed me then and he needs me now. He is now 27 and his own man, so we DO have a relationship now on our own terms.

So, I agree that 18/19 is VERY young. Depending on the individual, reunion can be just what is needed, or it can be the right thing at the wrong time. I am sure that your daughter is definitely thinking about you. However, she isn't her own person yet, and she has a lot of pressures and distractions on her right now. I know that we all look forward to the magical age of 18, but I think 22 to 25 is a lot more realistic age. I will tell you that the LAST thing I wanted to hear is that I should wait a few more years for my son to grow up!!!!

Good luck and hugs,[/FONT]

Personally for me, I tried searching when I was 18. Back then the internet was not widely available, so I kept hitting dead end after dead end. Which now in retrospect it was the best thing for me. I do not think I could of handle the rejection well at that age, heck I am not even sure I can handle it well now. Anyway, it took me until after I had my second child to actually get the major urge to sit down and search for her. By then I was well established in my life. I do agree with the other posters, she is thinking about you. :D

I started my search my sophomore year of college, when I turned 18. Back then, searching was difficult (no internet), so I stopped and started. I didn't get the real urge to finish up until after I had my son at 27. So my initial search efforts were more about curiosity, I think...later in my life it became a NEED. I'm sure your daughter thinks about you, Roni...she may have just enough information to satisfy her curiosity for the time being. You've made yourself easy to find/contact, and that's the best you can do, right? But I don't doubt that the waiting is beyond frustrating for you.

I was very interested in my bmom throughout college. I had the ability to contact and did a few times... we had the on again off again relationship from the time I graduated from high school until well after college. I very much wanted her in my life but was not at all emotionally mature enough to handle the ups and downs. My situation was alot like the one described by Isabo... College is a time for establishing independance and for stablizing one's personal identity. In my experience, both of these things lead to thoughts of one's firstmom. I thought about mine almost obssessively but just couldn't handle the rollarcoaster- YET. As I grew through my 20's I matured and am loving every second of my reunion.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]I just came across this thread, and find it very interesting. I was very, very interested in knowing who my bmom was at a young age. I remember in high school calling Jobs and Family Services trying to find out general information as to "where they got the babies they placed with adoptive parents". That was my first "attempt" to reach out to find MY information. Because I was sooo afraid of hurting my parents, I did nothing though. Then when I was in college, I realized that there were other ways to search. That is when I found this place....well it was actually just adoption.com back then. I would search registries, and even went to Columbus to look up the birth index. I kept hitting roadblocks and couldn't find any good information. But it was actually in chat one night while I was at school that I found a MAJOR piece of information about me. Another user had a copy of the Ohio Birth Index and was able to narrow down my original name to one of four. I remember sitting there shaking as I looked at the names, I realized that the one girl couldn't be me, as her mom was married. The other choice was either a single birth, or I would have been a twin. Well, this really really freaked me out, because there was this girl in my extended community that EVERYONE would confuse for me!! We even drove the same exact car model and color! My own grandma once asked why I drove past her and didn't wave or stop. It wasn't me!! Well, after some careful research I figured out I was not the twin, but the single birth. Searching then consumed me!!!! It was really difficult because I was a senior in college...and I had a lot going on. I would find myself thinking about it during class, when I was studying, when I was doing projects....it literally was ALWAYS in the back of my mind, if not in the FRONT..shouting WHERE IS MY BMOM!!!! It was actually in college that I had "come out of the closet as an adoptee." I had previously only told about four people in my life that I was adopted. However, I decided to do my informative speech on Adoption! I told my whole class that I was an Adoptee!! This was MAJOR!! My knees were literally knocking, and I felt light-headed. I was suprised that their faces did not change...it was a very, very big moment for me to realize that other's wouldn't think of me differently because I was adopted. So, for me College was a time where I explored both what it meant to be adopted to me, and spent agonizing over where my bmom might be, if she wanted to know me, what she was doing, what she was like, what it would be like meeting her, wondering when that day would happen....ect, ect, ect. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS](wow...sorry I got off on a rabbit trail...lol)[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Anyway, as much as I wanted all that information while I was in college, I am not sure what I would have done with it if I got the "goods". I know that was a time of me figuring out who I was in this world as well. And college is a very busy time. Perhaps your DD is afraid of hurting her aparents, or afraid that you will be disappointed in her, or not like her. That had always been a HUGE fear of mine, regardless of all the times people told me that my bmom probably loved me very much. I guess the fear of the unknown can keep many adoptees from reaching out. However, I think that you have done a great job of making it easy for her to find you, and that you are willing to be patient is wonderful!! She will be very blessed the day she meets you!!! [/FONT]

Oh...just as a side note of my rabbit trail... That girl that everyone confused for me....IS MY HALF SISTER FROM MY BDAD!!!! how strange is that!?!?!?!?

Being patient is really tough especially when I have absolutely no idea what she is thinking. I do try very hard to respect the boundaries that were never set. It does make it tough when we live close to one another and my office is even closer to her parents!! Yesterday I had a training class I had to attend, it was less than 5 minutes from her house!! When we broke for lunch I left to get something to eat, I found myself starting to panic. What if she saw me? Would she understand I was there because of a training class? (I had my name tag on still) I really am concerned about an accidental run in...I don't want her thinking it's really on purpose. I have no idea if she knows that she went to the same school district I grew up in (and her grandmother too!), she is driving down the same streets I use to drive down and she is walking into the same places I have walked in to. In High School I even had friends in her neighborhood! We have probably crossed paths and never realized it!! I guess I'm concerned that she will think the worse if we accidentally run into each other.

Hi Roni, I can relate. Hopefully I'm meeting my bson the first time on Saturday and any advice on setting boundaries would be great. I just got a new cell phone and can't work it very well (my other kids are laughing at me as I used to watching my parents trying to program the clock on the VCR!). Anyway, I had a call from my bson, the first, and I saved his number in my phone (I wouldn't call until he said it was OK) but I don't have a proper case and it's not a "flip phone" (Palm Treo) so sometimes when I put it in my purse the buttons get knocked and it dials (my daughter once spent 5 minutes yelling at me because I called her - I thought I was hearing voices and finally lost it). Anyway, I must have done the same thing and now I'm nervous about the next time he calls as I don't know how to tell him that it was accidental. I didn't realize it until I was doing my expense account and saw his number!!! I hope I haven't scared him off. Like you say, sheer panic, the cold sweat, taste of copper in my mouth and a genuine feeling I was going to lose my lunch. It's amazing how we all have the same fears and reactions. That is one reason why I am so thankful for this site as it makes me seem "normal". Not a small feat. Cheers!

Wow, I remember feeling paniced about crossing undefined bounderies early on, but from the other side as the adoptee... keds, have your kids each you how to put a "key pad lock" on your cell so that does't happen again. It's pretty simple and it will do the trick. I did have one of those accident meetings where our paths crossed - with my bmom at a grocery store once when I was 16. She was in town on business staying at her sister's. I was born and raised in that town but she had moved away when I was 6... I ran to the store for my mom with a friend and she was there. We walked right passed each other. She remembers everything about that moment. She asked me about it ten years later, describing what I was wearing and exactly what store, etc. Just a random crossing of paths... It made me feel good that she knew it was me. Hang in there... I think you are both normal=)

Pastor Stephanie, thanks for the vote on "normalcy". Also for the suggestion on the keypad lock - I'm not "challenged" just haven't had the time to figure it out but my 16 year old has taken care of it for me - I only hope my bson has a laugh over it as well. I hope he's not panicked about anything as we haven't set any boundaries yet. I'm too afraid to do so. Maybe we can do that at our first f2f - if he calls! I do so hope that he's okay and ready for this - I don't want to push him along - is it possible we are both the same?? I love your story about the accidental meeting with your bmom. I was in the liquor store about 18 months ago in his hometown (before I got his picture) and there was a young man, about his age, with red hair and 6'3" and I thought gee, he looks like my dad but didn't really think it possible as I didn't know where he was placed - it could have been anywhere. He walked out and it was what I now know to be his girlfriend that makes me believe it was him. I didn't know if I should ask him if it was him or not. With respect to boundaries, any suggestions on approaching the subject or comments on your experience on what worked/didn't work? Thanks!

Just to quickly summarize my relationship with my bmom... we've been in reunion for 10 years. The first 8 were on again, off again... even though things were technically good, the emotions were so intense that I was afraid and uncertain and couldn't get it through my head that she really wanted me back in her life. She was very slow to express her feelings towards me and always kept things really light- even during visits. If I disappeared she always gave me "my space". (Which I really didn't want space, I wanted her to want me and to invite me back into her life gentlely). But as it was she was scared to ask too much and so years went by with things undefined. About 2 years ago now I reached out to her again through a simple note, updating all my contact info and she called right away. We chatted casually as always but before we ended that conversation, I said, "This is the last time I am going to "restart" this relationship. If this is going to work for me... I need you to be in this. I need us both to promise no more pullbacks... no matter what." She was very relieved to hear that. From there we continually talked things through, even conflicts, even tough misunderstands and hurtful crossroads. Now we function very much as family with boundries no different than if I had been raised with them. The boundries have evolved, which I believe is normal and health for growing relationships. I remember one time asking her if she felt like she had to make up some excuse to be "able to call me"... she laughed and admited she did. I said, "I hear by grant you permanent permission to call me for no reason at all! You don't have to create an explaination!" This lead to an entire conversation about frequency of calls... in which we discovered we both wanted to talk more often and have called each other nearly every day since (for a year and a half??!) Every once in a while, we check in with one another on the boundries issue. Recently, there was a conflict/misunderstanding... this lead to the opportunity for me to ask if she was comfortable with the type of relationship we had and with the frequency and intensity of things... She was able to reassure me that she was truly comfortable and happy and in fact wanted things to continue to progress. The first boundery that I needed to understand was my position in her life. I never wanted to intrude on her life. I felt like I did not belong in her life because the last statement she made concerning my place in her life was to give me away.... I needed her to claim me somehow, to promise me a place in her life and to commit somehow to me- before I could really commit to her. (Of course, for some adoptees, this would be too intense. For me, I needed this because of the 8 years of on and off relationship) Once we had our "no pullbacks" conversation things worked really well for us. We agreed there were no escapes from this relationship and thus everything is fixable.

I do hope someday I will be at that point. All of this waiting is making me climb the walls.

PastorStephanie, you have given me such a lot to think about. I want, no need him, to be part of my life. I want my other children to know him and everyone to find the "comfortable place" but I know that will take quite some time. In his first call to me he said he "didn't want to intrude" and I had indicated this to him as well but it isn't an intrusion if you are invited!! We're both adults (he's 28 and I'm 44) so I'm going to take it easy but from what you and everyone else has told me, I have to be honest, clear and yet find a way to do it gently as to ensure I don't make him uncomfortable. I guess a bulletin board would be too much?? Thanks again, and Roni, I know what you mean by the walls. I hope your wait isn't to much longer. :coffee: