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I posted this on the adoptive parents forum to get some input, but I thought I would also ask other bmoms.
I placed my son two months ago and I absolutely love his a-parents. We have a semi-open adoption (I wanted to stay in contact with them and see pictures of my son, but no visits with him - we exchange emails, etc)
My son is their only child. While I was still pregnant, I had many long talks with both of his parents, but more so with his a-mom. During one of these conversations, we were talking about the possibility of them wanting to adopt more children. It was light-hearted and my son's a-mom told me that they possibly wanted one more, but at that point, she would be just thrilled to have one child and couldn't hope for more than that. I told her that if I got pregnant again (something I didn't plan on happening or wanting to happen, really) that I would contact them first and she said, "Omg, please do!" But the entire conversation was light-hearted and neither of us really thought it was a serious one.
Well, now here I am almost three months later. I'm not positive, but I have a suspicion that I may be pregnant AGAIN. (For a few days now, I've been wondering if that's even possible?!?! And if it is, I have lost complete faith in birth control pills, as I've gotten pregnant while taking them three times now - and yes, I take them religiously lol) I'm not positive, but it's getting a bit harder to ignore the possibility.
If I find that I am positively pregnant, I want to ask my sons aparents if they would be willing to adopt again. But there are a few things that I'm concerned about and wanted some advice/input from other bmoms. What's the best way to bring it up? Also, I really want to use the same agency we went through before. And the biggest thing - I don't know if they would be ready to adopt again so soon. My bson is only almost three months old. Has anyone else been through this? What's the appropriate way to go about this?
I keep tossing two ideas back and forth. One is to send my son's a-mom an email but I don't know what to say (I can't just say, "Hi, I'm pregnant, would you like to adopt again?" lol) and I'm not sure if sending that in an email is appropriate. I'm more of a phone person, but we didn't agree to phone calls, just emails, so I think it would scare them if I asked them to call me about something I wanted to talk about. The other idea is contact the agency we used and see if they could contact them? I don't know if that's the right thing to do, though. (And I definitely won't do either until I know for sure, obviously) I really think I am, but don't know for sure. If I am, and my son's aparents aren't ready to adopt again, I will still choose adoption and work with the same agency.
I'm sorry I'm rambling...I have just had all of this going through my head for the last few days and needed to get some advice.
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taramayrn
Bradymom,
Did you have the agency ask your son's aparents or did you ask them?
I wonder if the reaction might be a different one if you were to ask the aparents personally.
ModernDayBradyBunch
I didn't ask them personally, no. After thinking about it, I know I would be too afraid to ask them directly. Somehow, rejection comes easier through a 3rd party.
taramayrn
Certainly understandable, what about writing a letter? I just don't think you should let this idea die until you know for sure where they are at and that they get all the details and can make a truly informed choice.
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Here is my issue: I would like to. I really would. But the only contact agreed upon is email. I initiate all contact and my son's aparents always reply. I'm afraid to send it in an email and have them feel uncomfortable afterwards (if they say no) and strain my only form of communication. I also don't want to ask about telephone calls because we didn't agree to that in the beginning and I feel it would push the boundaries and I want to respect our agreement.
[FONT=Verdana]Hi, I just came across this post and was thinking that agencies don't always communicate very well and may not have even asked the Aparents about this. The agency or person you spoke with may be making this decision for them. You will never know unless you ask them directly. It would be sad if they never knew they had a choice.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Also, agency fees can be very high and they may not be able to afford this right away. If you would be willing to do a private adoption with a lawyer it may be more affordable. You could tell them that you are willing to do it that way (if you are). Of course they would pay the lawyer fees but it would be 1/3 of the costs. Just some thoughts![/FONT]
Just do it! :)
I agree with "taramayrn." There's only one way to know. And of course I don't know them, but I would be surprised if they felt anything other than honored that you would choose them again. They may say no, if they feel it's not right for them right now. But it shouldn't affect their communication with you. They'd still feel honored. If they say yes, then move forward. If no, then move on, keeping the same communication as before, without taking it personally (I know, that's hard).
Ask them. Directly. With an email. Then move forward. (There, now that I've told you what I think you should do, I'm off to have an afternoon snack while my little ones are still napping!)
As a birthmom (son now 3 months old) in a semi-open adoption, i can really relate to your situation. It sounds like you and the aparents have a good relationship, so just be honest with them! I would explain about the failed birth control (maybe toss in a joke about switching birth control), bring up the previous conversation about more babies, and simply ask if they would like to be considered for this child. After all, just because you placed with them before doesnt mean you HAVE to, although in MY situation I would place with my aparents again because they're just that wonderful! Since you communicate through email (as do I with my aparents) you are able to explain anything and everything you want. Tell them you understand this is really soon, you dont need an answer RIGHT away, etc etc. Just be honest about how you feel. Good luck!
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Ditto to what the other posters said about asking the paparents directly. If you choose to birth the child and place the child, I think you owe it to the child that is born and the child that will be born to try to place them together. Please don't let shyness or embarassment create a lifetime of separation, grief and loss for them. Adult embarassment doesn't have a patch on the discomfort not communicating could bring to two innocent lives. If email is your only form of communication, please use it. Also, please don't be offended, I am not trying to "guilt" you, I know this is your personal business, and I know you did not post on this, but birth control that has failed twice is not birth control. "Relying" on the same failed "birth control" three times? That does not seem to be failure to me. That is making babies, plain and simple. Are you sure you know what is going on in your own heart and mind? After we had dd2 (a happy surprise at age 40), I waited for a few months to be sure our family was complete then had a tubal ligation, a very simple outpatient procedure. It was my body, I didn't want another pregnancy and I wasn't going to wait on dh to do something about it. And so even though everyone's experience is different, I am having a very hard time understanding why you are putting your family through this extreme pain and birthing children into the grief and loss of this situation when you could so easily stop it. Please take this not as a lecture or a judgment but a concerned suggestion that this is a serious thing, not a joking thing, not an "oh well" thing, and that placement, while it may sometimes be the best thing in a difficult situation, can carry a high price for the children. If you find yourself needlessly repeating the same circumstances over and over, circumstances that must be bringing you deep pain and grief as well, there must be a reason. Personally, I would not joke about it to the paparents. It is no joke. It especially is no joke to your family, kept children, the child that will be born or the two that have already been placed--apart from each other and their kept siblings, apparently, and one not in a happy situation you say. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I wish the best for you and the children.
Wow...that was a little harsh. I just wanted to point out that some OB/GYNs won't do a tubal (or other permanant sterilization) until the female is a certain age, has a certain amount of pregnancies, or has life threatening complications to her pregnancies. My OB/GYN wont' do one until age 30 and/or 5 pregnancies. I can't find one within less than a 2 hour drive that will do one for anyone under the age of 25 or less than 3 pregnancies. It's not always as simple as requesting one and getting it. Also, many insurances won't cover it unless it is medically necessary and not everyone has that kid of money.
I'm sorry if it came across as harsh, I tried hard to be clear that it wasn't meant as a judgment but a concern. If my post was unwelcome or not useful to the poster, then I am sorry for the imposition and for not staying on topic. I understand, as she said, that the poster doesn't consciously get pregnant on purpose or because she thinks it is fun. Mainly I shared my own experience as a way to avoid telling her what to do while still trying to say that there can be other, more certain and possibly more acceptable (to her) alternatives than those she mentioned--using a method that fails consistently, abortion, or relying on adoption as one's family planning tool. Her surprise that getting pregnant so soon after birth was even possible seemed a little concerning. I wondered, too, if given the pattern of relying on a consistently failing method that there might not be something else at work. I don't think she feels it is a joking matter but fell back on that language possibly because of discomfort with the situation. She doesn't seem happy and this spot seems very painful to her, but yet...it keeps happening. In short, it seemed a little like the elephant in the living room. It may be a perfectly fine elephant, I may like it just fine, but if it were in my livingroom and I didn't seem to see it, I'd want someone to mention it. I agree with you about some doctors refusing to do sterilizations in some cases. I've known women who have been refused and the consequences were not good for them or the children they bore. Without thinking about it, I'm afraid I made assumptions based on ModernDayBradyBunch's moniker and story that such refusals wouldn't apply to her. I shouldn't have, I'm sorry. It is a frustrating thing and it is hard to come down either way on those refusals as every case is different and some may benefit from a doctor's blanket rule while others suffer. So, I remain concerned and hope MDBB can find a way to avoid this situation in the future but I apologize for the intrusion if that concern is unwelcome.
Moderndaybradybunch.
Please be careful when you use the words 'perfect family.' Life has a way of throwing some very unexpected obstacles at us and sometimes the perfect family can become the very unperfect family very very quickly.
I am mostly referring to things such as illness, acquired disablity or even death.
All these are a loss in one way or an other...and it doesnt always just happen to 'other people!'
So how can an addition to the family spoil that perfectness! Surely it makes it more perfect.
I thought I had the perfect family too when I was a younger gal!! no way was I having any more children.I became pregnant very very unexpectedly at 36,.( My husband put the condom on inside out> I wasn't using b.control pills as was still breastfeeding!) I couldn't speak for days i was so shocked!
However my last child, now 14 ,has added so much more to our family than I could ever had imagined.
My friend had the perfect family too! Her daughter died in a tragic car accident.
I am really just trying to say...b careful when using that word, as it can set you up for huge disappointment
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Hadley2
I agree with you about some doctors refusing to do sterilizations in some cases. I've known women who have been refused and the consequences were not good for them or the children they bore. Without thinking about it, I'm afraid I made assumptions based on ModernDayBradyBunch's moniker and story that such refusals wouldn't apply to her. I shouldn't have, I'm sorry. It is a frustrating thing and it is hard to come down either way on those refusals as every case is different and some may benefit from a doctor's blanket rule while others suffer.
Hey, everyone! Sorry it's taken me a while to post back. I just read all the replies and now I'm up-to-date and ready to respond.
First of all, I wanted to let you all know that I did ask my son's aparents if they would want to adopt again. I'd rather not go into detail (it would take too long) but let's just say it's not going to happen. (You can pm me about it if you're that curious)
I also wanted to clarify a few things. These lovely little so called "contraceptive" pills I took were the only BC my doc would give me. I can't get a tubal as I'm not old enough. (First they said 25, now they say 30?!?!) I literally begged him to give me an IUD but there are health risks involved, so that's out, too. So it was the pill or abstinence - and the second choice is not an option!
We do not believe in abortion. Period. We made the conscious decision a few years ago that if we became preg in the future, adoption is the best choice for us. For us, there is no wavering in that choice, it's simply what we both want and what we both believe is the best for our future children.
Finally, I wanted to say that we've made it out of the 1st trimester (barely)! We've realized that no agency will allow us to match this early on, so we're taking it into our own hands and searching for families that might be going the independent route. So far, we haven't had much luck, but we're still trying! Wish us luck!
BTW, if any of you know of any adoption attorneys that have couples waiting to find a match, please pass on their number or info to me via pm!! I am having a heck of a time here! All the ones I've called so far only handle cases where a match has already been made. So, please, any help would be greatly appreciated!
Check back soon...and thanks for all your replies...