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I found my birth mom three years ago when I was 39.
My original reason for searching for her was to let her know that I was okay, turned out fine, and that she had three beautiful granddaughters. Plus, I also wanted to tell her how thankful I was to her for not aborting me. Our relationship has gone fairly well over the past three years until recently. (Of course over these three years the flood of emotions that I have experienced have sometimes been incapacitating-and I never realized the magnitude of just how much I missed her, loved her and truly needed her.)
I have shared so much emotionally with her and been there for her non-stop. But she refuses to be open and honest with me about what she thinks/feels about the adoption and me. It seems as long as we talk about "safe" subjects, she is okay, but if I tell her how much I miss her or need her, etc. she completely shuts down and doesn't want to "deal with it and/or me." She had recently e-mailed me not to write, e-mail her ever again. I can't tell you how crushed I was. Last week I asked her if she would come to a counseling session with me and she said yes. I couldn't believe it - I was so happy! But, she only lasted 15 minutes in the session. When the counselor asked her if I had ever given her any indication of being in emotional pain........it took her 5 minutes to answer it and when she did she said NO......which was an absolute lie. I then turned to her and asked her why she came then, she got up and walked out of the session. The counselor was absolutely floored by her behavior. I am so sad and just don't understand how and why she turned her back on me again. Rejected now twice.
She has two other children and it doesn't matter what they do to her or say to her, she doesn't abandon them. Her son hasn't spoken to her in about 10 years and she hasn't even seen his children. Her other daughter doesn't care about her and has told me on a number of occassions that she isn't taking care of her, that she wasn't a good mother at all.
I tried so hard to just love her and tell her that I would be there for her always and forever. I wanted to take care of her and I wanted her to know what it is like to have a child love their parent. I just don't get it. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Do I just let her go now?
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Hi there
I'm in a similar situation myself (My thread - a change of heart) where my bmother was really interested for about 3 years and things went bad. We had an argument one night and she said some horrible things to me like she wished she'd never met me and I've made things worse for her.
Since then she's not been interested and even the cards and odd messages have stopped. It seems very strange to me but seeing I'm not alone does help.
I've kinda come to the conclusion that she wasn't the nice person i thought she was and I suppose i'm angry over that.
I don't seem to have the compassion that you do??
I have to say I relate to both of you and am going through a similar situation with my bmother withdrawing and not wanting to be part of my life. What I don't get is why SHE looked for ME if she didn't want to be a regular part of my life? Why didn't she just leave me alone - not drag me through this emotional roller coaster....
I too have come to the conclusion that she is not a very nice person and is very selfish and self-centered.
I just wish bparents would realize that none of us adoptees ASKED to be born or to be adopted. That we have deep deep wounds that may never heal and to turn their back on us a second time is absolutely devastating.
Thanks so much for sharing. It helps so much to know that it is not us with the problem, but our birth mothers. I have actually been in counseling over her 2nd rejection of me. I just want you to know that it is not you with the problem. The pain that our bmom's have in their heart is tremendous, and a place that they do not want to go to emotionally, no matter what. It is a testament to our strength as adopted children that we are willing to confront our emotional pain and wounds so that we can be free of this pain and move on. It is a very hard journey, but worth it. The counselor shared with me that it is very easy for our bmom's to reject us again, because they have already done it once.
Knowing that my bmom is emotionally immature has actually made me more tolerant and patient with her. God made us "extra" strong, and it is my mission now to just love her for whatever she is willing to give me and to show her what true, unconditional love is. Take Care of yourself!! :)
I feel and share your pain. Our wounds are very, very, deep and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to get through the pain. I can't tell you how important it is to let yourself go through the pain. I cried so much and grieved so much through all of this that I wasn't sure if I would make it or not. But I was determined to not let this wound destroy me. I am much better today, but still working through it. I still go to counseling. The counselor shared with me that it is very easy for our bmothers to "reject" us a 2nd time because they have already done it once. I have found that my bmom has blocked out all of her feelings of my birth and me so much (her only means of surviving the pain) that it is hard to break through her wall of emotional protection. What the counselor said to me makes sense now - it is easy for them to reject us a 2nd time, because then they do not have to deal with and confront their pain, their guilt, their unhappiness, etc. They can go on pretending that "we" never happened. How sad for them that they want to continue to carry this "emotional baggage" with them and not be free of it.
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I just want to jump in quick as a birthmother...
Not all of us are the same! I would not find it easy at all to reject my birthson, I did relinquish him 22 years ago, yes, but that wasn't a rejection, it was done out of love for him and hoping he'd have a better life than what I could give him.
I was not going to search for him, not because I didn't love him, not because I didn't wonder what had happened to him, but because I was afraid of intruding on his life. I searched anyway. I found him, I would find it even harder to give him up now that I know him. But this is just me! :-)
I just felt it was necessary to say that not all birthmoms are the same, just as not all adoptees are the same, just as not all people are the same!
You are absolutely right though! Any rejection or negativity any of you feel from your birth parents has nothing to do with you!
:grouphug:
take care all of you
First up, let me say how sad I am for you about your bmom's withdrawal.
I'm in a 16 month reunion with my birthson (27) and I know that, no matter what, I'll never walk away from him. He's not as warm and as open as you have been, I wish he was, but being distant and reserved is who he is and I love him.
I do not know why your bmom has walked away, probably due to some deep seated personal problems - her r'kids have even left her.But what I can say is that it's her loss as you sound like a lovely warm, open and loving person.
I agree what Quantum said,
Bless you, and be kind to yourself and remember, lots of us bmoms also have very deep wounds. HUGZZZ
I just felt it was necessary to say that not all birthmoms are the same, just as not all adoptees are the same, just as not all people are the same!
Hi Power - I hadn't really read the post properly - just wanted to say thanks for replying - it's really comforting to know someone else is going through the same thing especially since it's not our fault. I am so angry and have become a really defensive person and a bit messed up. I want to know how to fix it but I haven't a clue. My fiance has the patience of a saint with me.
I read a quote here at the forums and wish I could give honor to who wrote it...but forgot to write that down... "If I don't admit the truth of your feelings...then I don't have to deal with them and the realities of what adoption has meant for you." I think that could go both ways... appropriate for both the bparent and the adoptee but it was originally written as a bparent's "reply". I thought it was a very good in getting it's message across. It's SO hard NOT to take "rejections" or not being welcomed personally but the spin I put on it is that they are not strong enough, or emotionally well enough to "get" it... therefore they feel they can't enter into the unknown. ....sal
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:eek: I'm reading all these posts about pre/post reunion and some of them have been quite encouraging and informative.
My issue is not with the parents but rather with the siblings. Namely BS.
After only meeting her once, she sent me 2 - 8 month elapsed e-mails that were just plain rude and condescending. She called my office and made inquiries as to my position and tenure there and went to my house in my absence to inspect it. Even got a copy of my marriage certificate !!!She's been snooping around trying to find 'stuff'' on me, which I'm happy to say I have no skeletons but why on earth would anyone do that?
Does anyone else think this is creepy?
I agree... her behavior is definitely out there... but maybe it's origin is in insecurity and not "creepy stalking"? Just a thought. I did a "drive by" past my bmother's house before I made contact...when I told her that I had done that..she said... "I WISH you'd STOPPED!" I felt like a bit of a stalker..going to the library in her home town and looking through old yearbooks...but I needed to see if she was someone that I even wanted to know first...before I contacted her. There may be a chance that your bsister is trying to settle her mind so she can proceed? I may be way off here... but may be something to think about...sal
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Mischaangel....I found this site tonight and have identified with so many posts, but your post struck home with me the most. I met my "bio-mom" 10 years ago and immediately bonded with her. As time went by, we had conflicts more frequently. Statements that I would make would often be twisted...sometimes she heard things that I never said at all. Recently, I ended a 6 year relationship and was feeling so sad that I found myself on her doorstep sobbing. I wanted her to hold me, but instead found several items that I had given to her were in boxes. She decided that I had stolen money from her. Her husband joined in by telling me how inconsiderate I was to them. I continued to cry....basically in complete disbelief! What could I do? I turned around, got in my car and left.
A few days later I emailed her. My emotions were going crazy. I wanted to hurt her, so I made a mean comment about rejection. She told me not to contact her and then blocked my email address.
Bottomline...She found me in an effort to quench her guilt. Once she felt better about herself, she saw me as someone who wanted to sponge off her. (Mind you...I never asked her for a thing!) In an effort to get rid of me, she convinced herself that I could not be trusted.
I still get very sad over the situation, but have accepted it.
As closure, I sent her a letter. In it I told her that I have always loved her and always will. I understand exactly what it is to love unconditionally because of the love I share with my adoptive parents and extended family. I thanked her for the chance to know her and wished her well.
I will always be sad that she ended the relationship but I don't regret knowing her.
Hope my story helps....writing it, helped me.
Hi Mischa,
I know your original post is a little old now (okay, like 3 months), but I'm writing just in case you're still following. I'm an adoptee, too, so the following is just an opinion/guess on my part:
I think our birthmothers relinguished us thinking they were doing the best thing for us, that we would be healthy and happy and perfectly normal kids. I'm sure they keep reminding themselves of this every single time they start feeling bad about what happened - "I did this so they can be happy."
I think your birthmother can't handle the fact that giving you up actually caused you a lot of pain, it's got to be the exact opposite of what she's been telling herself all these years. When confronted by this in the therapy session with you, she simply couldn't handle it and freaked out. :(
I think the fact that she's been communicating with you at all, and the fact that she went to a therapy session with you, is evidence that she cares and wanted to make an effort for you. But it seems it might be too much for her to handle.
My birthmother has simply not answered my initial letter at all; it's been 6 months. It seems as though this whole adoption issue is actually harder for them than it is for us - even though that's kind of hard to believe from the adoptee point of view, since we're all hurting too.
Good luck to you, and I hope your bmom can learn to deal with her issues.