Advertisements
I am hoping to hear from birthmoms but I know others will reply as well Җ as long as you remember that this is the birthparents forum and were talking about REAL issues here (not bashing adoptive parents) Җ youre welcome to participate :)
There is often a lot of talk about an adoptive families ґright to have medical information for their child҅this gets especially hot when there is discussion of mental illness.
(I should say upfront I am 150% behind full medical disclosure).
So, I was lying in bed, craving a crunchy peanut butter sandwich when it occurred to me that I was expected to place my child without having much/if any medical background/history on the adoptive parents.
Is this fair?
Shouldnt birthparents be allowed full access to as much information as possible about the adopting family, to ensure that the family holds up to THEIR standards, not some random social worker standards?
Say, for example, the couple is 40 and every male in his family has died at or before age 50 due to heart related illness Җ and he has heart conditions, shouldnt that be a consideration? Sure, a Dr. will say, ғHes healthyҔ most do.
That֒s important stuff!
So, the reason I am asking is the mental illness ֑issue is a heavy topic in adoption (donҒtcha know all us birthparents are one step away from institutionalization (or drug rehab ROFL) as it is anyway) but what about mental illness in adoptive families ֖ especially illnesses with genetic precursors? Shouldnt that be a consideration?
What are your thoughts on placing a child with a couple who are (either one or both) undergoing psychiatric treatment, including medication? Should this be disclosed?
These are all things weҒre expected to disclose because they impact the child were placing҅but dont those same things impact the child weҒre placing, if the adopting family has them/is dealing with them/has genetic markers for them?
I guess, I am just doing some looking backђ and wondering what I could have done to ensure that my child was placed with the healthiest of families clearly, the social workers, agency workers etc didn֒t feel there were any red flags
Ņthese are red flags for meso why is it that someone else is getting to (and got to) make that decision for me?
Fit to parent, fit to adoptŅsure.
Fit to parent, fit to adopt my child maybe notօbut the decision should be left up to me.
Respectful, courteous and most of all, rule following discussion pleaseI am really beating myself up hereŅand Id like to hear what others think!
Like
Share
But can you see the expectant mom's side of it Nat? She is trying to make the hardest decision of her life and shouldn't she have every peice of information she needs to make that choice? I know this sounds bad, but she is going to give you her child, I know lots of things are personal, etc. but you sharing how much you make or that you suffer from a certain disorder and that's why you couldn't get pregnant really isn't that much to ask is it?
Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine what it's like to have to lay your life open like a book, but I do know what it's like to have to make an awful decision and every little peice of information helps to make an informed choice.
Advertisements
taramayrn
But can you see the expectant mom's side of it Nat? She is trying to make the hardest decision of her life and shouldn't she have every peice of information she needs to make that choice? I know this sounds bad, but she is going to give you her child, I know lots of things are personal, etc. but you sharing how much you make or that you suffer from a certain disorder and that's why you couldn't get pregnant really isn't that much to ask is it?Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine what it's like to have to lay your life open like a book, but I do know what it's like to have to make an awful decision and every little peice of information helps to make an informed choice.
I was just looking at my son's parents homestudy to see what was in there.
In terms of health histories:
- "The members of his family are in good health"
- "The members of her extended family all enjoy good health"
No where did it mention their struggle with infertility and why they couldn't carry biological children.
It does mention their annual salary and a list of their assests and debts. That was helpful when I was chosing them - I needed to know that their salary was adequate to maintain them. I wanted a family who did not have alot of debt.
It also discussed their relationship with their daughter's bmom and what their views on open adoption were and what they expected from this adoption.
I suppose each homestudy is different, but just thought I'd share what I was offered.
So, tonight, for the first time ever, I decided to look at my agencies website. They are a very small faith based agency located in Dallas. They clearly don't have a website budget - it's basic, at best. However, one thing on their site jumped at me - it was under the "adoption" section and this was the entire content from that page.For many years, Agency Name Removed has provided homes for many children, and have counseled birthmothers in their time of need. In recent years, the trend in adoption has been open adoptions. Dr. Name Removed states a working definition of open adoption as: "Openness means that everyone involved in the process, whether adoptive or birth parents, is open to meeting and talking with each other prior to and subsequent to placement. How much communication and contact will occur is impossible to say. But, in an open adoption, the assumption exists that there will be as much as possible within the limits of courage, compassion and common sense." Openness can look many different ways. The type of relationship is decided upon both parties. One thing it never is is co-parenting. As with all relationships it is constantly changing and evolving. It is important to note that it is in no way a legal relationship. It should not be confused with joint custody or visitation as seen in a divorce. It is a relationship built on trust and respect. The birthmother trusts the adoptive parents with the life and care of her child and that they are being honest with all they have agreed to with regards to openness. The adoptive parents are often trusting the birthparents with identifying information and trusting that they will be respectful of the boundaries they set up.I was/am impressed.
I totally see your side!! I would be the same way!! I just wouldn't want to SPECIFICALLY state what we made...maybe a credit / debt ratio or credit score....that's really just personal for me though. I would also hope that they get to see health history...I think at our agency we filled out a form for this reason? Not sure.... Anyways, I know its hard, I can see it from both ways I guess....I guess I just feel like there should be a seperate paper that you fill out for the birthparent.....even if it's redudent. Honestly though I think our homestudy was WAY more personal...like asking us to explain "sex life" questions (as a basis to your marriage). Yeah. Nice. Without the WAY personal stuff like this I would be fine with it. Actually the more I think about it, the more comfortable I am with it...still not the income / financial part of it, but everything else I am getting used to....
Advertisements
Natalie,How would you feel about a generalized answer.. Household income is between xx and xxx I hear your discomfort however. (All I knew about S & R is that S was a SW and R a preacher... neither one are high salaried occupations!) I never really thought about it... of course I didn't have to choose the aparents, they were chosen for me!
Honestly though I think our homestudy was WAY more personal...like asking us to explain "sex life" questions (as a basis to your marriage). Yeah. Nice. Without the WAY personal stuff like this I would be fine with it.
This is more along the lines of ongoing openness, but I get to test (there's probably a better way to put that) the openness of our relationship with our son's bmom just now regarding health histories. It's funny how much of this discussion has come up in our lives right now. We've just renewed contact with his bfamily this summer and now he's in Africa for the rest of the summer and I have the task of registering him for classes while he's gone, since his registration date is during his trip. Before I can register him, I have to turn in a health form that asks about the specific health history of all blood relatives, and we've realized that other than her mental illness, we know nothing about the rest of her family. So I need to figure out how to delicately but directly ask and hope that she's willing to share. It can't be fun to be asked how your siblings or grandparents died and what's wrong with everyone to whom you're related. But we do need to know. I'll send it off tomorrow.
zxczxcasdasd
This is more along the lines of ongoing openness, but I get to test (there's probably a better way to put that) the openness of our relationship with our son's bmom just now regarding health histories. It's funny how much of this discussion has come up in our lives right now. We've just renewed contact with his bfamily this summer and now he's in Africa for the rest of the summer and I have the task of registering him for classes while he's gone, since his registration date is during his trip. Before I can register him, I have to turn in a health form that asks about the specific health history of all blood relatives, and we've realized that other than her mental illness, we know nothing about the rest of her family.
So I need to figure out how to delicately but directly ask and hope that she's willing to share. It can't be fun to be asked how your siblings or grandparents died and what's wrong with everyone to whom you're related. But we do need to know. I'll send it off tomorrow.
Advertisements
Heidi
I'm not sure whether your bmom feels like I do, but as a bmom myself, anything I can give to my bson to fill in the blanks or assist him is not an intrusion. It's another opportunity to let him know who his family is and the family dynamics. It's fact you are asking for - facts that belong to him and are an intricate part of his heritage. Maybe she will see it as a way to tell some of the family stories. eg. If her mother also suffered from mental health issues, who looked after the children when she was really low.....and how the children handled the seperation.
Knowledge is invaluable to make that "familiar" connection and every little bit helps us understand the person we are trying to connect to.
Good luck - and ((hugs)) for you. It must feel like a very empty home at the moment. I imagine the excitement leading up to the Africa adventure has disappeared and now there is a very empty space in the family.
Ann
I was surprised when I had a reunion with my son's bparents that the entire extended family had read our homestudy. Yes everything including reasons for our infertility, our annual salaries, our debts, our relationships with our extended families and complete health histories including mental illness. With the openness that we share, I still get uptight with the information they have about us. Will they ever share with my mom how I wrote about my relationship with her? Will they let on that they know my SIL is a AA member? That my DH grandmother had untreated mental illness for years? Yes even our sex life was in that homestudy. I would never have been so open if I had known where it would end up. 17 years later, the family still has a copy of it. I wish for fairness I knew so much about them. Oh and yes they are very open with others about it...
Advertisements
Heidi, as a bmom I wouldn't feel the questions were an intrusion - it's all in the asking. If I knew it was to help fill in the blanks and give my bson greater knowledge of our family then I wouldn't hesitate. As a matter of fact, I think I shared too much in our correspondence over the last year!
needsleep - my Gosh! I'd hate to have all my personal info out there for all to know. I wouldn't know how to handle it. I am very protective of any info my bson shares with me - I haven't even told his full siblings the names and ages of his brother and sister yet! I take everything in confidence and unless he says I can share, I keep my mouth shut. Or as he said to me - I know you can keep a secret! Pretty clever for a 26 year old and at first I wasn't sure how to take it but it was a compliment. All the best.
I would have liked if the agency would have told us where our homestudy was going. If they had told us I would have been more discreet. Our bmom was also only 15 at the time so her entire family was involved. It still upsets me that the agency GAVE them a copy with our handwriting on it. I don't even have a copy.