My family is making it very difficult for me

I read your posting and my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am on the other side of the adoption plan an adoptive mom. The good thing is that you are coming on this forum which allows you to receive all the information and views on adoption. As an adoptive mom to a beautiful adopted 2 year old little boy we have had since birth...words cannot even begin to express the amount of love we have for our angel!! Our biggest concern was his birth mom- Like you, her family did not want her to chose adoption. Although she had told us nobody in her family were capable of raising the baby, and she knew she could not herself. Our son's birth mom never changed her mind with her decision. We still communicate, and are really good friends. She tells us all the time she is at total peace with us, and her decision for her son. For that, we are so thankful. We witnessed first hand the courage and the love it takes from a birth mom to make an adoption choice!! Our son's birth mom will forever hold such a special place in our hearts...I know this must be one of the strongest test of love any birth parent can ever go through. Nobody can make that choice, but you- I really cannot imagine how hard it must be on you. Hopefully this board will give you some insight into the adoption choice. For us, adoption is just a blessing!!! Our son is our world, and we love him to pieces!!! We are so thankful to his birth mom. I hope in whatever choice you make you find peace...Please keep us posted!

Getting pregnant did not make me an irresponsible individual. We are not defined by singular events in our lives. I am a rather responsible individual who made a choice to have unprotected sex. My best decision? No. Does it make me obviously irresponsible? Definitely not.While the others are right in that your mother can't forbid you to do anything at twenty years of age, I applaud her for setting up some ground rules that you must first talk to a psychologist. There are those of us who were denied even the simplest of counseling that wish upon stars that we would have had such an opportunity. Even if your mother forces you to see a therapist, she can't make the therapist into her puppet. Your therapist can hopefully inform you of how either decision, parenting or placement, could have long term effects on your life and help you best decide which path is the proper route for you. I encourage you to seek out blogs from first mothers and see what they're saying, offsite, about placement. Do realize that financial situations are temporary. You will not be in school forever. But placement is forever.

It's never too late to have an open adoption. :)

Somehow I missed this about her wanting you to speak with a psychologist first. I would agree that it probably is a good idea. I would hope though that the psychologist is versed in the area of unplanned pregnancies and the options out there.

Wow - I would have killed for that kind of family support. All the above is completely true. All the above is stuff I wished people would have thought about my situation. Read any number of my posts or pm me and I can tell you about the next 18-19 years of YOUR life. I can tell you the pain that has been inflicted on my child because the basic relationship he should not have to question - the one between parent and child - is totally in question to him because to an 18 year old boy his mother "gave him away". I cannot even put into words the pain of knowing your child thinks that. I am not trying to freak you out, but like Schmenna said - placement is PERMANENT. It is about the only thing in this mess that is.

You don't know what she or her child will definitely experience. She may or may not regret her choice to place. Her child may or may not have issues with the adoption. I've known too many adopted adults who are FINE with being adopted to believe that adoption-related issues are inevitable. I don't know what the right decision is for HER. Only she can make that choice, but I think it's really lousy to tell her that her child will definitely have major adoption-related issues. No one knows what the future holds.I think the idea of unbiased counseling is a pretty good idea. If for no other reason than if she still decides to place she'll know in her heart that she's looked at this situation from every angle and is making the best, informed choice she can for her and her child. A visit with a lawyer (that works for her, not an agency or aparents) would also be helpful so she can be absolutely clear on what her rights are and the legalities of all this.

Just wanted to throw a few thoughts in... (I know this isn't my forum, but your post caught my eye...) As an adoptive parent - it is never too late to have an open adoption. Just be open and honest about your desires, and make sure you find a family that fits what you want. You are an adult, YOU are this child's mother. YOU and only you can decide what is best for this child. Okay, maybe the father, too, but I mean not friends, extended family, not even your own parents. You, as the mother, are responsible to do what you feel is right for this child. You will hear people talk about regret and what you may feel in the future. You might. You might not. You WILL feel pain, probably no matter which decision you make. Your only real option is to do what you feel is right, then when you look back, you can hold to that. Don't make the decision based on your temporary situation, but on what you truly feel is right for you and this baby. I know some adoptees that have adoption-related issues, and plenty that don't. If this child knows you love them, and knows you did what you honestly felt was right, they will be able to get through. One more thing. You contend that you were "obviously irresponsible" by getting pregnant. Others have said that that wasn't irresponsible. I tend to agree with you. What you did was irresponsible. However, that doesn't mean YOU are an irresponsible person. I lose my keys. I forget things. I can do plenty of irresponsible things. BUT I do not consider myself an irresponsible person. Especially where my children are concerned. This is your time to BE responsible, to put aside your ideas of what WOULD have been, to listen to the ideas of others, but trust yourself to make the right decisions for now. If you choose to parent, you could also choose to become a responsible, dependable mother. However, if, after all your pondering (and I, too, recommend counseling to get your thoughts and feelings sorted out), you decide adoption is right for your child, then you are being responsible and dependable by choosing a family for your child. There are many different opinions on what you should do, and throughout your life, whichever you choose, there will those who applaud you, and those who think you made a mistake. The only opinion that matters is yours. After careful consideration, do what is right for you. Hugs and prayers... -Juliana

That was my point. Read my posts to see how the past 18 years have affected ME - not how they will affect her. People on here get so hung up on one line and just beat it to death. It is a fact - as so many other birthmothers have said ahead of me - it is FOREVER.

I applaud you Juliana -

Mod hat on for a moment You wrote this... ...After you wrote this I'm not trying to start an arguement, however, it is so important to remember to speak from our own experiences. While birthmothers have similiar experiences and stories they aren't the same. Our stories aren't the same, our feelings aren't the same and our emotions aren't the same. Speaking about our own emotions and situations is okay, but generalizing based on that experience is not. :)

Ok - sorry maybe that came across unclear. What I was trying to indicate was that the others trying to influence any decision now are not the ones that will have the same feelings over the course of the next 18 years. The backing of that is that my son is 18 going on 19. I was kind of going for the "birthmother" in the next 18-19 years - which I will state - you are not a birthmother until you have given birth and the child is placed. A lot of my posts and comments have dealt with the time of the past 18 1/2 years. Many birthmothers seem to have some of the same thoughts. Some - not all. Some birthmothers and some thoughts. There is no all in this. It seems like the posts when someone is new in the stage of researching adoption or placing a child are totally different from those that have placed some time ago. That was the point I was trying to get across. I still don't know if I am being successful at that so I will just say good luck and go back to my forums.

Josh - There's no need to leave. You telling your story is helpful to those who are coming after you. We all have something to offer, it's just important to remember that our emotions are our emotions and our situations/experiences are our experiences and situations. :) I think it's really important for those chosing between adoption and parenting hear from those who have had positive and negative experiences with adoption. Even those who have had positive experiences have negative aspects to their stories and vice versa. We all have something to offer. Please continue to share your story. :)

(((((joshbmom)))))

you are not a birthmother until you have given birth and the child is placed. Exactly right!!!! I respect you feelings and validate your painful loss in addition to your message of caution. I am also an adoptee and felt abandoned always. HOWEVER .I am FINE though-like luvmylittlegirls claims her "adoptee" friends are- lol Well, maybe my house is too clean and I drive way too close to the dash and have too many shoes, but ............

I'm new to all of this but from my stand point. You are an adult, no one can force you to give your child up or keep your child. You have to make that decision. When I was 19 I got pregenat with my son, I had him at 20 and everyone throughout my pregenacy wanted me to give him up for adoption, except myself and his father. I chose to keep him, and now they all love him. Turn that around to you, You chose to give your child up for adoption, I assume the father respects that choice. Reguardless of what your family says now, eventually I am sure they will be okay with your choice. Your family needs to understand that this is your choice, your mother can not force or forbid you not to talk to an agency. I recommend you sit down with your family and explain that you are not ready for a child, and that you can not raise this child. Tell them you are not thinking about yourself but about this child, it shouldn't be about them or about what you want. You should do this with what's in the best interest of this child. This is not about if you were responceable or irresponceable, that should not even be the case. The fact is you are pregenat and you are doing what you believe is in the best interest of the child. You may very well regret giving this child up, but if you know you are doing this for no one but this child, then I hope you will be at the very least okay with the decision eventually, someday.