Anyone here age-out of Foster Care?

hi, wow thats a tough one.i would think the best thing for her is to remain with your family.is she in therapy?we are about to finalize our fsons adoption,and he still worries he might have to be in fostercare again someday if something happens to us.you know the best thing for her is to have a family who cares,thats why you adopted her.dont give up,look for resources to help her and your family.i am a former fosterchild who aged out of fostercare,and went to stay with my bmom,then shortly after,married,had 4 children,and after 20 years in a bad marriage,finally stood up for myself,and got a divorce.i have since married a wonderful man,and we are adopting a son together.i love my children,but maybe if i had had a family who cared when i was growing up,i would not have married so young,and gave up my plans of college.i wish you and your family the best.

I have a friend who aged out at 18. She could have stayed until 21 but wanted out. In the 12 years since she aged out she has: -never been able to stay in any vocational training course to help her maintain a career. -gone from dead end job to dead end job every few months. -had to resort to being in relationships with me she doesn't care about just to help make ends meet. -went to prison -lost her son to the system -been unable to care for her daughter. -gotten pregnant again so this guy will take care of her. She says aging out was the biggest mistake she ever made...which I think lead to the other mistakes she's made. Perhaps had she stayed in the system until 21 she could have at least gotten child care while she went to college or a vocational program.

This is the kind of feedback I was talking about. I think she thinks it will be OK, although she used to always talk about how much she hated foster care. MomAgain5 - we are a loving family and we have worked hard for two years to help her, but she is incapable of bonding with us or loving us. Her behaviors have not changed in 6 years--looking at her CPS/Foster reports from before we met her. We are still fighting the same battles her first foster family encounterd. It really feels useless to keep trying to give her guidance and support when none of it "sticks." We are working to get her some very intensive help, but we feel a real sense of urgency before she escalates her efforts to go back to foster care. I want to share with her the experiences of others who aged out of the system, because honestly, I highly doubt she would be adopted again. She had two failed placements before us. We are willing to stick by her, to get her help, to reinforce new techniques learned in her treatment, to support and even accomodate her, but I will not put my family at risk to do so. She HAS to want our help and she HAS to be willing to work at this as well.

Cpip - No first hand advice on what happens when you age out but statistically it does not look good. The following quote was taken from the article below: "Nationwide, an estimated 30,000 adolescents age out of the foster care system each year. According to the Child Welfare League of America, 25 percent become homeless, 56 percent are unemployed, 27 percent of male children end up in jail. In fact, the next big wave of homeless people might be foster kids aging out." See link related to this topic:[URL="http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/youth/jan-june05/foster_care_5-19.html"]Online NewsHour: Aging Out of Foster Care -- May 19, 2005[/URL] I think you are approaching this as a thoughtful, compassionate mom. I agree that you cannot/should not put the rest of your family in danger to parent your daughter (notice I said daughter...not adopted daughter. My thoughts would be the same if she were your bio.). Best wishes.

She needs intensive attachment therapy. Without it things won't look very optomistic. I have two dd's that have aged out. Both have been homeless. One continues to be homeless on and off for the last two years. She can't hold a job. The other has a baby, goes from guy to guy looking for love. Her future will be horrible if she ages out. Most kids who do, have very dismal futures. SOME make it,but not without struggling VERY hard! I heard or read once that one fourth of all those incarcerated were at one time in their lives in fc.

I know that the statistics are dismal (see 2002 report from Lisa Dickson's site: [url]http://www.lisadickson.name/sgrd/Aging-Out-Trends.pdf[/url]) but reading stats to a kid is useless. I kind of want her to hear what it was really like from someone who was in the system and aged out, but then, I guess those with the real horror stories and those that are homeless are probably not on an online adoption site sharing information. When we were in the adoption process and going through our PRIDE training we were given some alarming stats on the homeless population here in our town--something like 50% in the university area were aged-out foster kids that the agencies were now trying to help get into life-skills training courses, and help get them off the streets. It was a real eye-opener.

I'm confused as to why it's even a question. If she is adopted, how can you "send her back"? I don't mean how you can make the decision to, I mean, how, legally? Why would the state even consider it if she is not a CHINS case? In our training, they are very clear that once adopted, that child is ours, no returns.

I think she's just trying to gather information so that she can show her daughter that aging out of foster care doesn't give one a good start on life. I think that if the child were to contact CPS with enough stories, she could find herself back into foster care. This mom said nothing about undoing her adoption.

Sometimes moving feels like a gamble for them. We feel like we can solve our problems by just moving to a new home. It may be as simple as we don't like you, your rules, our foster siblings, our roomie, or our school. Change feels great to a lot of kids, and if they move to a home they dislike more, they can move again. I was less like a gambler in my home. I disliked them very much, but I was told if I moved I would be put in a different city, in a rural area. I feared abuse in such an isolated area, with no chance of contacting my social worker. I'm aged out of care now. And I'm 21. I don't think the foster care system helped me earn any skills. I can't drive, I have barely any work experience. No place will hire me. I enrolled in a college course, but I quickly dropped out when my grades weren't very high, and I convinced myself that course didn't have a good job market anyways. I feel like I was so isolated as a child. First my original home, then foster care. I was barely let out of the house, to socialize, or to gain work skills. I did horribly in school when I was in my original home, and I did better in foster care in my second home, but not to my full potential. I got little support from my foster family. They often called me dumb. I told them I wanted to apply for engineering, and they told me it was only for "smart" people. That took a chunk of my self esteem that day. I won't ever forget it. They once tried to bring me to a psychologist to have me tested for problems I didn't have. I was isolated a lot as a child, so naturally it was hard to make friends. My foster parents made me ashamed of that by telling me I wasn't "normal". My theory on them having me tested was that they wanted to have me labeled with some sort of medical disorder to collect more money each month. I told this to the only adult I vented to, and he betrayed me and told them. I lived my high-school years afraid to confide in anyone, having my self esteem constantly chiseled away. I'm going to age out completely in a month. Without any support from Children's Aid. I live on my own, and i'm 21. I feel like I can't move forward in this life unless I go in debt. I can't have an education without going into debt. But I honestly have no idea what I want to be, or what I'm good at. No one has ever given me any emotional support. I've tried my ****est to get a job, but no one is interested in me. Not even for a simple dishwasher job. I feel useless, and constantly depressed. Your daughter is better off in a home that loves her. I hope you raise her well, take care of her and make sure she has skills, confidence, independent qualities. Push her to do well in school. Don't raise her like a foster daughter, raise her like your own. She'll love you for it.

Thanks WorldTraveler. You definitely sound like a success story, not all of us are that fortunate though.

I volunteer with youth in foster care and have seen several kids age out, and unfortunately none of them has been a success story. A few 20-somethings who are "couch surfing" with unstable relatives, a few incarcerated, a few unplanned pregnancies, almost all unemployed (the others underemployed) and without a good education or job skills. From what I've seen, the foster care system falls short on providing kids with the skills they need to transition into adulthood. I see 21-year olds who have not been allowed to make any decisions in their lives all of the sudden be forced to "take over" when they've been trained to have other people make all their choices for them. This isn't how it works in a family environment, where you gradually give a kid the amount of responsibility he/she can handle until they learn to be self reliant. And NamiMoon you hit the nail on the head talking about job training. Why aren't we partnering with corporations to give the kids in care summer internships and jobs starting at an early age? I know that there are wonderful success stories like WorldTraveler. I've read several books and have heard speakers who aged out of foster care and lead happy, productive, successful lives. I'm heartbroken that this isn't the current situation of any of the kids I've worked with (although I hold out hope that they will get on track and have bright futures). I believe that the success stories are made possible by a few means, either a great foster parent or mentor, or a person's internal strength and drive that lets them succeed DESPITE the shortcomings of foster care. NamiMoon, your county may have a "job center" for young adults that helps with training and placement and your social worker may be able to direct you to that. I've also heard mixed reviews about job corps for training and placement. I also see many young people discount restaurant jobs and fast food jobs...but lots of us worked our way through college on service jobs.

I know this is an older topic, but in case anyone is still reading... I am trying to launch a resource forum for youth aging out of care. The title of my project is "Aging Out? You don't have to be alone. A resource forum for youth aging out of foster care." Our mission is to provide resources and support to youth aging out of the foster care system. Many of our resources so far are based in Oregon, but we have many on the national level as well. Our vision is to eventually be the number one central location for youth from anywhere in the U.S. to find information and receive assistance in the aging out process. We provide links to resources for education, employment, housing, healthcare, life skills development tools, and mentoring, as well as a forum where users can interact anonymously with other youths, professionals, and caring adults. The forum allows for networking, support, and guidance from others. We are uniquely interactive rather than one-sided. Our success depends upon empowering youth through collaboration and communication. My heart goes out to those in this thread who state they cannot afford an education. I think with some guidance, there is a way, if you let us show you how. Please visit [url=http://agingout.boards.net]Home | Aging out? You don't have to be alone. A resource forum.[/url] :)

The description of your situation could have been of my husband's with his ex-wife. They too adopted a 10-year-old girl who had been in foster care for many years with past failed placements and seemed to try to push them away at every turn. After about 4 years, they divorced. At age 16, she started running away to the point of being labeled a "habitual runaway" and was removed from her mother's home and placed into a group home. She was SUPPOSED to be learning "life skills" there in preparation for immancipation, which occured around 17 1/2. She habitually ran away from the group home as well. She decided that the "homeless lifestyle" was what she wanted, with no one "telling her what to do". She will be 22 in a couple of months. She has been homeless (by choice) for around 5 years now and has 2 children!!! She was living homeless & "couch surfing" for 2 years with the babies! 6 months ago, the babies were removed from her (& the dad's) care and placed in our home. She continues to choose her man over her children. They are now facing their rights being terminated from their children with my husband and I adopting them. She will likely never see her children again. This is a VERY REALLY scenario your daughter could face in the future, depending on her choices and your reactions to her choices. Maybe you could take your daughter to 1 of these group homes that are FULL of these kinds of kids & are sometimes run by adults who 'aged out of the system' b/c they know what it's like. I wish you all the luck in the world and PRAY for the best for your daughter and your family. :wings:

Nami, I'm sorry you were made to feel bad. Not sure where you live, but Jackson state has a program for foster kids. I'll find the site.

Both of my older half siblings aged out of the foster care system. My sister did fine and has graduated from college, but my brother struggled. After they turned 17 they got a packet with info on all the free services and stuff they could sign up. So it was like going from foster care to welfare. It included programs with job training but they didnt assume anyone in foster care was going to college. My sister was 14 when she went into foster care and she had been taking care of me and my brother for years, so she was ok on her own afterwards and determined to not let anything get in her way. Being on your own at 18 is the problem too. Even though your legally an adult, not everybody sees you that way. ItҒs hard to get a credit card, even if you have a job. But kids in college can easily get credit cards. Theres lots of expenses in college that arenҒt covered by scholarships. Its hard to rent an apartment at 18 too. Alot of places wonҒt rent to anyone under 25. They never did things that most teens do - like learn to drive. Neither of them had foster parents willing to pay for it and there wasnt any reason for them to get a license since they couldnҒt afford buying a car. Its expense to get driving lessons after high school and buy insurance at 18-22. My sister did have a job as a teen but my brother never did. The group home he was at from 16-aging out made it impossible since it was in the middle of nowhere without access to a car. He ended up aging out early at 17 after some weird circumstances because the group home closed and they didnҒt have anywhere to put him. It was like he was getting out of jail, and he partied all the time and didnt graduate from high school. He ended up crashing at our sisterҒs dorm room. That was the only place he had to go. How well former foster kids do after aging out has alot to do with how long they were in the system and what they were like before. My sister is a success story only because she was fine before and really fought to keep herself from being destroyed by it. She went to 5 different high schools, had her sophomore year completely ruined by two stupid foster homes but she is really smart and could get scholarships and when you can write scholarship essays about surviving the foster care system, you win a lot of them.