Real mom and dad

The way I see it and I know others WON"T agree with me...but I AM my kids REAL mother. Because I am the one parenting them. I am the one who is there MOMMY in all of their memories growing up. And personally I don't have a problem saying that to my kids. I explain the difference between a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I tell my kids that GOD brought our family together and wanted us to be a family forever. While I don't use the term "real mother all the time in talking to them I have used it in describing my motherly duties to them. I also explain that their birthmother is also their REAL birthmother....but there is a CLEAR, DISTINCT difference between birthmother and mother. And unfortunately for my kids...(except my youngest daughter) their birthmoms did try and parent them at first...but couldn't or did a very poor job of it...and my kids know that....they know that their birthparents will ALWAYS love them...they just couldn't take care of them becasue they were on drugs or drinking but it was no fault of their own. They know their birthparents were good people...but made some bad choices. I want my kids to know the truth and to not fantasize about things. My older two were old enough to understand all this when they were both adopted but my younger two were really just babies when they came to us and it's a little harder to talk to them in a way they can understand....but I think...it will all come naturally to them because we do talk about it openly whenever a question or comment comes up and that is pretty frequently. So it will all be second nature to them.

Good for you for thinking ahead. We are in a different situation with an older child, so there is no question who is who. Still, I wonder why this question would "come up" "at some point"? Isn't it something that just gets talked about casually at opportune moments from the day your daughters joined your family? Yes, they may express a desire to see the first parents or know about them, but I doubt they will mean "I want them" as in "I want to leave here and go there to stay"--unless in the middle of a tantrum, pulling out the phantom family much as any other child might pull out the running away card or the grandma card, or in a step situation, the "real" parent card. It is a fantasy and a test--will you still love me after I say the worst, more hurtful thing I know in the world? In that case, you handle it the same..."yes, and I want a million dollars, too, but it's not happening. We love you and we're your parents and we're going to love you and take care of you no matter what." The real desire for connection--which has NOTHING to do with your place as parent in their world or their love for you--may be met to some extent with some degree of openness if possible. There's a lot of literature supporting the benefits of openness for the child, within your comfort level and with appropriate boundaries (not always so easy). If you have even a picture of the birthparents, some information about them, a letter written by the birthmother, anything, that could help. Good luck. ETA: Once, when she was about 2, DD1, my biochild, looked me right in the eye and said, cool as a cucumber, "I'd like to go home now." I'm not mystical and don't go in for parapsychology, etc., but it was a little weird. So you can get some odd comments from young children no matter where they started.

We do talk about adoption, at least with my oldest daughter, the other daughter is only 2 and wouldn't understand. The last time A1 saw her biofamily she was barely 3yrs old so she has no memory of them. She saw a picture of them not too long ago and she didn't know who they are. She knows she didn't grow in my tummy but in another mommy's tummy. She knows she was adopted and it happened on her 5th birthday. She knows we adopted A2. With A3 (13mo old foster daughter) she has met the bparents and knows many of A3's family as they are family friends. She states often that she wants us to adopt A3, but at her age she can't understand all the workings... heavens, we all know some adults don't understand. The other night she said her best friend was going on vacation with her "real parents." I thought 'oh my gosh, here it comes'. I asked her what makes someone a "real" parent and she said "real parents love you and take care of you, and puts conditioner in your hair." Then I asked her "am I your real parent?" and she said "of course you are... remember, I PICKED you!" I always tell her how she picked me to be her mommy. There were 3 women at the agency standing around waiting on her to arrive. The other two were agency employees. When the man arrived with A1 she immediately reached for me to hold her and then screamed anytime I tried to put her down or let someone else hold her so I could sign the paperwork. She loves the story of how she got to pick her mommy and is very proud. She says she picked the best mommy EVER!!! Gotta love it now because some day she will turn into a teenager and then I'll be posting how I went from being the best to being the most stupid.:arrow: