a damper on the joy

It is a good idea to be smart when it comes to posting here. You never know who is reading them or how it could be used against you. I'm glad you said "I won't go into all the details." That shows you are already being smart about posting information. That said, please feel free to PM me any time. And know that there are many of us on this board who have been through and are going through a contested adoption. Your feelings are NORMAL and EXPECTED. We try to guard our hearts so that the pain will not be so great if we lose. I also posted a similar thread a long time ago and got the best advice in the world: you can not really guard your heart. No matter what happens you will be hurt. Either you will be hurt by the fears and emotions and financial devastation of the contested adoption - or you will be hurt by the loss of your child. But no matter what the outcome you will still love your daughter. You can not NOT love your child. You can not ever protect your heart enough so that you minimize the pain of either the fear of losing her or the actual loss. butpatiently - please know that I have BEEN where you are. I have struggled as you are now struggling. I am STILL struggling as you are. YEARS of it. And what I have learned is that all I can do is love my son and do what is best for him. I can not protect my heart. When you find yourself guarding your heart, pulling back, trying desperately to avoid the pain of it all - then fake it. I can't say "fake it 'til you make it" - I don't know about that because mine has been going on for 5 years. I still don't know about making it. But I do know that I made a promise to my child, at his birth, that I would do my best for him. I have learned that I WILL love him whether I want to or not. I have learned that pulling back only deprives both of us of what is rightfully ours. I have learned that deep fear will not and can not prevent me from being here for my son as a mother. You may feel like a babysitter sometimes. That is normal. You may feel like you do not have the right to love your child unconditionally. That is normal. You may feel like you are not really your daughter's mother. That is normal. And yet - we are still our child's only mother. We are still the only mom this child knows. We are their MOM and we will act like that because that is what our children need and deserve. And because we do not know what will happen (still even in my case). And because we need and deserve to be and feel like a mom. Please - feel free to PM me any time. Christie ***When I say "we" I am talking about myself and butpatiently - not a "collective we" in the sense that I am including everyone else.***

I understand how you feel. The day were were to leave the hospital w/ our daughter was the most difficult day in my entire life and I realized for the 1st time: although in my heart for months she felt like my daughter (and in my heart always would be my daughter regardless) LEGALLY I could lose her and she would go away from our family. I already loved her...but I found myself wanting to pull back and guard my heart. If she was taken away, it would be almost like she died. Only strangely worse in a way because I knew the situation she would be going into and it was scary in many ways...not that they were bad people!!! Just, well...lets just say less than an ideal situation w/ potential dangers given she also ended up having special needs due to a pre-birth trauma/attempted 2nd trimester abortion. Knowing she was out there somewhere and I couldn't protect her or care for her or let her know how much I love her... But then I realized, even if I got to be her mommy for a few hours or a few days, months or years or a lifetime...she deserved 100% of my heart and all the love I could give! And NOTHING less. I like the way you put it...love wrecklessly. I knew I could lose her, and yet I had to through caution to the wind and love her wrecklesly. Thankfully, she is my "legal" daughter. But even if she wasn't, I would know I did my best by her and loved her will all that I am as long as she was in my home...and forever in my heart. She deserved NOTHING less. :flower: Best of luck. I hope everything works out. And I am sorry for all the pain you are experiencing.

I haven't even read all of these posts, but I know your feelings are very normal, indeed. How else could anyone with a heart for their child--survive? I hope things work out for her to be yours forever. My heart goes out to you and anyone else dealing with the---often times---ridiculous dealings of our legal system. Sincerely, Linny

I know how you feel, although, I haven't had a contested adoption before. When our first birthmother was pregnant and chose us, we were elated. She got me alone and asked me for money and a car, from that point on, I had this wall up, just believing she was in it for what she could get and that she probably wouldn't go through with the adoption. You love your child but you have to protect yourselves and I understand that. Our agency told us though that most of the time when a birthfather contests, it doesn't work but I don't know that for a fact, that is what I was told. Was he notified of the baby and immediately contested or was it something published in the paper? I know our agency doesn't even try to contact the birthfathers until the baby is delivered and the birthmother signs surrenders unless he is completely willing to sign too. We were lucky with our boys, the birthmother and birthfather signed the same day but we are trying to adopt again and who knows what will happen this time? But the situation you are going through, that is the reason there are so many people not willing to adopt in the US.

butpatiently......so sorry you are going through this. ChristieS - your post was beautiful, brilliant and right on the money. The emotions surrounding this situation are tough enough with the joy and fear - trying to guard your heart will only leave you exhausted. I wish you luck and strength...