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I have a question for adoptive foster parents. In our open adoption agreement it states that b-mom must not show up for a visit visibly intoxicated or under the influence. That is fine and I agree with it. What are your feelings about visits when b-mom is in legal trouble in regards to drug or substance abuse? We had our semi-annual visit last weekend. It was supposed to be this weekend but she asked if she could have it sooner in case she was sent to jail after her scheduled court appearance on the 10th. We agreed and had the visit. DH was very direct with her and asked why she was going to court. She admitted that she had been arrested for possession. The fact that she has shed an amazing amount of weight since last we saw her is a good indication that she is using again. B-gma was quick to try to manipulate the situation and try to make us believe it was something that happened back in 2006 before she completed rehab last year. B-mom corrected her and said "No...it was this year". As a matter of fact, it was shortly after the last visit we had. The whole time b-gma went on and on about how wonderful b-mom is doing...how she has a job, graduated, is trying to have a positive relationship with her parents, how her parents are working together for b-mom's good. She kept telling us she was going to go to court and "tell that judge it was all a mistake and she has learned her lesson". B-mom used when she was PG with Bear...she ran away from every foster home she was in for a year (using drugs and living on the street)...until she went to rehap last year. She was out less than 4 months and arrested for possession? Do you...or when do you...say enough is enough? What about setting an example for your children? Is it really healthy to continue such a relationship? Any thoughts would be very welcome.
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Boy I grapple with this all of the time. We don't have a relationship with bmom, she's on the streets and is a daily crack user. My daughter has a bsister who has been in jail, but really cleaned up and we really like her a lot. I so wanted my daughter to be able to know her :-( But her cell phone was shut off a few months ago and she never visited the agency as she said she would to update her contact info. So my kiddo has lost them both. It sounds like she isn't sober...if she is going to a court hearing, but I would wait and see what happens in court, if she goes to jail, I would have a conversation with her about suspending visits until she has been clean and sober for at least 6 months to a year, stating that you want her to be a positive influence in your son's life.
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Since you have a legal agreement you may need to check with a lawyer to find out what your options are.
Unless you VISIBLY noticed that she was on drugs DURING the visit...you may have no right to stop the visits.
If she is in jail...then yes...I certianly wouldn't allow my child to visit her birthmom in jail. But then again....your agreement might force you to do otherwise?
That's the sucky thing about agreements...you may not have permission to do for your child...what you feel is best.
B-mom is 16...will be 17 in September. I understand she is young and there IS room for her to grow out of this "phase". BUT, with b-gma making excuses for her and trying to justify her actions, I don't know if that will ever happen. There is NO WAY IN...you know what...that I would EVER force my child to attend a visit in jail!! I wouldn't give a rip what any agreement says! Maybe I will seek legal advice and see what grounds I have. Situations such as this I feel that a binding agreement is not a good thing.
I'd say that as long as she shows up sober, you should have the visits. As long as the kids aren't seeing her stoned, she's not setting any sort of an example. But if she shows up to ONE visit stoned, I'd suspend all visitation until she successfully completes a treatment plan, no matter what the agreement says. (Let her go to court and try to get a judge to enforce her right to see the kids while she's using. That'll go over REEEAAAL big.)I've taken my son to visits at the jail, and it's not actually too bad. Our jail has a big visit room with toys and books, so it's pretty low-key. If you end up doing it, you should go first without the kids to get the lay of the land. But it's not anywhere near as scary as you might imagine.Sorry for all your troubles. Sounds like this is a very, very rocky time...
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WE have had an open relatonship with daughter birth grandmother all along. Last January when b mom got out of jail she moved in with grandmother (her mother). We were very leary due to past drug abuse, but after a month, and a very deep conversation with grandmother, we are allowing visits with birthmom at grandmother's. At this point all the visits are "supervised" by grandmother. Our daughter spent more time with her grandmother than she ever did with her birth mom and her grandmother was more of a parent to her, while b mom has always been this fun but flaky entity. As long as b mom keeps her act together and stays off drugs we will allow visits. But, if b mom goes back on drugs, it is over. So far things have been going well. B mom is trying hard to get her life in order, and we are supportive of that.
I am going to give you the spin side to this situation. While I worked in a psych facility for children/adolescents the one thing that repeated itself was the statement " everyone was so worried about bparents and relationships what about me?" mind you I cleaned this statement. Their feelings were that so much was attention was given to making sure they had a relationship/visits with bfamily it made it worse for some kids. So I guess I am saying is it really best for the kids to have a visit with parents who are acting up, not showing? Or do you move on for their sake?
I know this is not the case for of all situations. I know that professionals say that they need this and that it is good for the children. I am not so sure.
On a personal note my question would be how many chances do the bfamily get and how many chances are good for my son/daughter? Just a thought...
On a personal note my question would be how many chances do the bfamily get and how many chances are good for my son/daughter? Just a thought...
Bug-n-Bears-Mommy
I can't agree more! I think this is what I am trying to say...how many chances DO they get? What abotu all the chances they were given BEFORE they lost their child? I think in some ways we are so pressured by the new wave of open adoption being "what is best for the child" that we are trying to force a situation that really is not in the best interest.
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