India adoptee here to answer any questions...

Indiaadoptee, i've had the same sort of feeling about Hindi. I really want to learn it, so i can speak with fellow indians here in the US and in India. When i went back to India and and people came up to talk to me, and i couldnt reply to them, i felt sort of embarrassed, being indian and not being able to speak Hindi. How do you plan to learn it???

I really hope Indiaadoptee or one of the other adult adoptees is still reading this thread. (On the other hand, it would be exciting to discover that Indiaadoptee hasn't logged on for a long time because she is currently in India on the adventure of meeting her father.) OK- I hope an adult adoptee can read my story and give me a little feedback. This is going to be long. I hope it isn't tedious! Thanks in advance for reading! I'm American (white) and my husband is Indian (born and raised there). We are currently living in India though we have lived in the US in the past and will move back to the US soon. His family is here in India and mine is in the US. We own a house in the US so that is where we consider our primary home to be though his job sends us back and forth a lot. We'd thought about having children soon. We'd like to start a family. But we have two reasons why we think we shouldn't. The first is that there are already so many people in the world- being here in India with a billion of them, you really start to see what "overpopulation" looks like. The second is that there are so many "street kids" here without parents. Some of them are in orphanages, but many are not. Put the two together and it seems like maybe adoption should be our first choice. OK- I'm thrilled to find this thread because Indiaadoptee has expressed something I've been thinking lately. You see Angelina Jolie and these people adopting kids who still have living parents who can't afford to keep them and you see the extremes of poverty in developing countries, and it seems like we should put our collective energy into helping societies and families raise their own children and lift their own communities. Even in issues where the children are put up for adoption for reasons like gender preference or unwed social stigma- wouldn't the money be better spent CHANGING the societies from the inside so this doesn't happen? Improving healthcare and education, etc. This isn't the place to get into all of that- I just wanted to say that the politics of international adoption disturbs me a little. It is a profit-making industry after all. Even though the adoption agencies do NOT create the problems, they are frequently profiting from them. So still, when I go back down to a personal level, none of these larger issues changes the fact that there are children in the local (horrible) church orphanage just 15 miles away from me who want a family. We are working to improve things here in India, but the children are still there!! Also there are street kids at my friend's organization who have no parents and run in gangs. My god it's a horrible thing to see and imagine that I could help but that I chose not to... Then on the other hand, the child had no say in where/how/why he/she was born. Naturally I would never NEVER want a child to feel like I adopted him/her simply because I felt bad for him/her. The truth is that I want to start a family and there are children right in front of me. My husband and I are both working in environmental and poverty reducing non-profits here. This puts us in the favorable position of knowing more about the biological families of the children and of knowing the children before we adopt them. We are friends with people who run the street kids education initiatives here. I think if we did adopt, the adoptive child would have more opportunity to connect with his/her extended birth family than in a typical adoption, and perhaps that could help alleviate some of the questioning and identity concerns. Then I fear that from the point of view of the child, we have taken on adopting him/her as an extension of our work life- like he/she was just another activist project. I don't think I could live with myself if I made a child feel that way, and it absolutely isn't the reason I want to have a family but it is true that my feelings of responsibility lead me to adopting rather than having my own. Is that bad? I don't know... Anyway, I'm just being honest here and trying to explore these feelings. I've discussed this with people at the orphanage and with other adoptive parents, but I've never had any feedback on all this from an adult adoptee. What do you think? IF we decide to adopt, then my next step would be to read about what it is like to be adopted including all the great recommendations here so that I can see what is in store for us and how I can best help the child with the trauma that you are discussing here. But first I feel like I should decide whether or not adoption is the right choice for us. Are my motivations wrong? Can you offer viewpoints or feedback that will shed new light on all of this? Thank you so much. This thread has been very informative. Sorry this was so long.

Hello, While I know you are looking for an adoptee's response, I thought I would just chime in on some of your points you made. While I agree that in a perfect society if finances were not an issue, most people would not give up their child for adoption. But there are also other factors. When you look at the United States alone, a very strong country who has all these social services in place to help unwed mothers, aid, counseling, and yet we still hear on the news that babies are killed because the parents were just immature to handle the baby. If there are episodes in the United States with aid in place, how will this really help a country like India. A country like India is stuck on culture and beliefs that go back decades. Some are not willing to change even if they are highly educated. If you do get a chance, watch the move - Water. Some beliefs are hard to change. While I think we should still try, please do not let that stop you from adopting and provding a home for a child. That child has basic needs to fulfill, food, water, shelter and clothing. Everything else is secondary. IF those basic needs are taken care of then that child has a chance to survive. So when that child gets older, he or she will realize that although you have provided these things, you cannot help that they were abandoned by their mother. At least they abandoned them in hopes that someone will provide a good home, instead of killing them or torturing them. Back in the days when a couple had a daughter, they would drown her in boiling milk or water. If they at least put them up for adoption, they are getting a second chance. I am all for reform and please keep up the good work, but also consider adopting. You can still focus on both, save a life and helping others. Hope I did not interfere in your thread. Just some food for thought.

Indiaadoptee here...under weird username...will get that fixed.Whoa, for some reason it didn't email me to say that people were posting in this thread. I assumed this thread stopped a while ago! Whoops.Hi Possibleindiaadopter,I think you are in the right position to adopt. Your motivations seem fueled not by wanting to take on another activist project but by a genuine desire to raise a family, and what better place to adopt than one you already know? You are obviously familiar with the country and its people, and didn't pick it because it was "exotic" or halfway around the world. Your words "I think if we did adopt, the adoptive child would have more opportunity to connect with his/her extended birth family than in a typical adoption, and perhaps that could help alleviate some of the questioning and identity concerns." are very reassuring. It seems as if you want to encourage the child to connect with their other family/country. As long as you treat the child with the respect that he or she has another half, another identity in addition to his or her adoptive identity, you'll be two steps ahead of any adoptive parent.Go ahead and ask me any other questions. Hope you're still around!I actually came back to the forum on a whim after hearing about the 7-yr-old russian boy who got sent back. I had been making rounds on other blogs like the Today show, Good Morning America, random adoption blogs, etc about the boy but was getting sickened by all the "chosen child" talk that I thought of this thread. Nothing infuriates me more than people who treat adoptees like they're an item that can be returned. Glad to know there are many aparents who would never do that.

Hi thinkinginva, 1. Many adult adoptees know that we are 2nd choice. It's not a matter of being 2nd best. It's a matter of options and the next logical step. Option A: having your own baby, and if option A doesn't work out then it's Option B: adopt. We don't think we're inferior, we just know that most often because one thing didn't work out, we were the next available choice. For some reason prospective aparents place are much more concerned with this than adoptees. When I think of being option B it's the same indifference as when I say, "the sky is blue." Big deal. :) 2. Most definitely. The wound is a triangle. Adoptees have one, natural parents have one from being separated from their child, and infertile couples have one with the loss of not being able to have a child of their own. I highly recommend reading the book. Yes it can be a little hard to read but it's a necessity in order for people to reconsider their "adoption is a fairytale" mentality.

Hi Indiaadoptee,I just wanted to thank you for sharing all your thoughts on adoption, they are very helpful for me.I have been interesting in eventually adopting from India for a some time now. I have always thought adoption was a good way to build a family. Currently my dream is to have one biological child and one adopted. Though I am sometimes more hesitant about the biological child. :PI am engaged to an Indian man and have lived and worked in India. I also studied Hindi for quite a few years-- if you ever want to learn please let me know and I can give you suggestions or support!I really love all the things you share here about adoption, and I think it is important for the adoptive parents to have a proper perspective-- I am not "saving" you, and I am not expecting a child to be grateful for me. It's a way to build a family. As an adoptive parent I would feel it is appropriate to share information about first families, and to let the child know it is ok to talk about their feelings, hopes, and questions. I don't think an adoptive child looking for their first family has anything to do with whether or not the adoptive parents are good parents-- it is natural for the child to want to find out facts and see people to complete their story. And they should be able to do so with the loving support of their adoptive family. I did a degree in Anthropology and focused on Indian culture. I have spent a lot of time there and I think some people's comments about India are unfair. To paint a picture of India as pure poverty and suffering is just not correct. Yes, there are poor people in India. But there are also rich people. And a growing middle class. Many people in India have cell phones, t.v.s, cable, mp3 players. India has many educated engineers, mathematicians, doctors, professors, and the like. India is not just dirt, poverty, and begging people on the roads (BTW, many beggars in India work for a boss and bring their wages back at night-- it is a job, and many of those children would not be begging in the streets if people did not keep giving them money- they are sent back out into the dangerous streets because people think that giving them money is "helping" them- most of the beggars don't keep that money! donate to a cause to help children, don't give to beggars!). India is the largest democracy in the world. Indian culture is largely focused on the family unit.That said, I also acknowledge that India has some problems, as does every country. In India poverty is still an issue for many, but many of the poor raise their children, give them love, and do the best they can. In India, it can be true that families can favor sons over daughters. In India, the family line passes through the son. When the son marries, his wife becomes part of the family, but when a daughter marries, she becomes part of her husband's family (leaving her family, symbolically or in actuality). Many Indians do not have retirement pensions or plans, and so rely on their sons, who will always remain part of their family, to care for them in their old age. This is why families favor sons, but this is also changing in India, as more women have careers, and equality for the two genders becomes closer.India has a close family system-- this means that a child has the love and support, oftentimes, of a extended family. At the same time, the society focuses more on the family unit than the individual. So when an individual does something "wrong" it reflects on the whole family. This is often why single mothers are forced to give up their children-- they feel pressure and the family feels pressure.There are many reasons why a child could be brought to an orphanage in India. Here are some:1.) The family is poor and sees no way out. They want a better life for their child, and the orphanage promises them that.2.) A child was abandoned or abused (this happens in America all the time as well)3.) The child is born to an unwed mother (who either feels family pressure or who has no means to care for herself and the child if her family throws her out)4.) The child ran away or became lost. Records are not well kept in many places in India. A lost child may say "I am Manu. I am from X village." The family of the child may not be found, because there are 500 villages with the same name, and no known last name, parents' names etc.5.) The child was trafficked (stolen or paid for).6.) The child had a medical condition and the parents cannot afford to help their child.7.) The child has a medical condition that the parent fears will make the child an outcast in society. They are told the child will be more accepted in another country (i.e. born intersex).8.) The child is a girl. (In many cases, the mother has a lot of pressure on her to have a son, especially if she has had many girls. Her husband or in-laws may even force her to give up her girl child that she does not want to give up (Remember, some people may see sons as the only "retirement plan" available). She may be afraid that keeping the child will get them both thrown out or abused by the family. She may already be abused in this situation).Anyways, these are some examples. But I really just wanted to show that life in India is more nuanced than just poverty and lack of hope. India has good aspects and bad aspects, like any place. There is poverty, but that is not India. India also has big metros, shopping malls, fancy movie theaters (nicer than the ones in the U.S.), rich people with maids, servants, and drivers, fancy high schools with swimming pools, wi-fi, and tennis courts, subway and train systems, glass office buildings that people commute to in the moving and return to their suburb apartment or house at night, amazing architecture, a strong family bond, strong bond with friends (to name a few non-poverty related things!)And many of the reasons children are given up have to do with familial pressures. Giving up a child for adoption is often just as heart-wrenching for the mother doing it. Familial and societal pressure can be VERY strong in India, and life is easy for people within a family unit, but very difficult for people trying to live alone-- a single parent, an parent outcast from their family-- for them live is hardest.

Me and my husband are american citizens of Indian originr. Both of us have lived and studied in India for at least 25 years before we moved to the US. This discussion has been an eye opener for me. It has made me realise how little I know about adoption and how the adopted child feels. Our thinking is very similar to 'Possibleindiaadopte'. We both are thinking of adopting purely because we feel that we do not want to bring one more child in to this world when there are milllions who do not have parents. But after reading thru this message and understanding the trauma from an adopted child's perspective I am now rethinking. I am still not convinced that being raised in an orphange is a better option to being adopted. But I realise that I need to learn and research much more before deciding to adopt or not. One thing I am still convinced about is that we are defenitley not bringing another child to this world. If adoption is not the right option then maybe I should start looking into giving time and money towards orphanages. I am very interested in finding out how Possibleindiaadopte proceeded. Thanks, Vk

I strongly disagree with the use of the terms "natural parent" because "natural parent" is disrespectful and derogatory towards adoptive parents who are "real parents" parenting their adoptive children, who have intimate relationships with their children as parents, and are the primary adult figures in a child's life. I have never heard of anyone objecting to the use of "birth parent" or "biological parent." Of course, if an adoptee had a relationship beyond birth for a significant period of time with their "birth or biological parent" or another parent (e.g., foster), then perhaps birth or biological would not completely describe the relationship that the child had with those persons and maybe "first parent" might be more appropriate. If the relationship was genetic only and the child had no relationship beyond birth, then "birth or biological parent" seems accurate.

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Not all adopted children are a second choice. I've never had any desire to be pregnant or give birth. I also feel that with nearly 7 billion people on the planet already, I would be a lot more comfortable adopting someone who's already here than adding another to that huge number. However your comments have given me pause. I want to word this carefully because I don't want you to feel bad about being honest. I applaud you for showing that there is another side to the "fairytale/all you need is love" mentality about adoption, but part of honesty is that some people will make decisions that you may not have intended. I would like to have a close-knit family with children who are happy to be part of it. You seem like you have one foot out the door. That's not something I want. Maybe this is part of the stage of life you're in--you're really trying to establish an identity for yourself in the college years, trying to finally answer the question "what do I want to be when I grow up." But I know that if I were to adopt and raise a child to adulthood who then insisted on calling the birth mother her "natural" or "first" mother it would hurt me very much. I also want to point out that the wound you feel at being separated from your mother and the fantasy you've created for yourself of a "natural" mommy who would share all these wonderful traits with you are things that biological children can feel too. I was born to and raised by a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive woman who I look so much like that older relatives often call me by her name. I have always felt a wound at not having a loving mother, which I feel to this day. I have been told that "at least I have a mother in my life." The pain of that sentence can't be understood by people who don't have a good mom. Yes, I have her physically present, but I have never had her emotionally present, and I've also had to face the social stigma of not having a good relationship with your mother. Some people really, really do not like to have their fantasies about motherhood shaken up, and will punish you if you speak honestly about an unhappy maternal relationship. I, like you, had the fantasies of a mommy who I could share all these wonderful traits with that you describe, but that wasn't the hand I got dealt. It took me pretty much all of my 20s to accept that and move my life in a direction that didn't need a good mother in order to be happy and successful. I don't mean to imply I know what it's like to be adopted, but there may be a healthy dose of "the grass is greener" going on here. I remember in 9th grade when I got my class pictures back and saw the clear resemblance to my mother, my heart sank because then I had to abandon my private fantasy that I was adopted, and there was no "real" mom out there who was a beautiful princess who would've been good to me. Maybe a little emo, but I was 14 and that's how I genuinely felt at the time.

No, no, no. (Did I say "no" enough times?). I knew I would adopt children since I was a child myself. I do not have infertility issues. Since I remember myself, I always wanted to adopt a child from a foreign country. I found it unfair that there were children who, by the mere place if their birth, had less opportunities than I did. Since I am still a permanent resident - that will change in two weeks when I will be citizen - due to some retarded U.S. immigration laws that prohibit permanent residents from adopting internationally, I was not able to go the international route. Instead, I adopted two children domestically. I have lived out my childhood dream! My two beautiful children, whom I love deeply, are not the next available choice; they are the preferred choice.

Wow! I've tried to get back to this site for MONTHS but forgot my password, and the admins didn't believe me that I was who I said I was because I didn't have the email account that I registered with, and it sure didn't help that I couldn't remember my previous email account...oh boy..ANYWAYS....so this is me, Indiaadoptee, but under a new name. <Please, admins, for the love of everything good PLEASE don't delete my account. Private message me so we can merge the two accounts or something as I don't have that former email address anymore!>Wow all this talk about second/third/first/1,00th choice is giving me a headache. Let's call it a truce and call all children our preferred choice. :)What's next on the topic-it's been far too long!

"Natural parents" is becoming more PC. Many "natural parents" object to being called "birth parents" or "biological parents." I'm fine with the term "natural parents." It doesn't make us adoptive parents any less real.

India Adoptee here, the one who started this whole thread years ago. People may or may not believe I am the original poster, but I am. I can't believe how much time has passed. I have graduated from college, started a career, met a guy (a white guy at that, go figure), married said guy, and am now living a wonderful life with my husband. We would like to have children someday and I know it will be fascinating to finally meet/see/hug someone who looks like me.This thread was something I started years ago in my journey of self-discovery as an adopted person. I now very rarely think of adoption --it's only during the holidays that it creeps into my head-- but I guess it is something that will always be with me, a part of me, shaping me, influencing my future. I hope those of you in this thread have gotten your answers and succeeded in growing your families!

India Adoptee, it was fascinating to read your story. Thanks for sharing. Yes, in some points it was eye-opening. you did a great job by sharing your ideas, fears, hesitations and background. I’m sure you helped a lot of people who were just at the beginning of Indian adoption journey. My husband and I are also thinking of adopting a child from an Asian country to give at least one kid a chance for normal future. It wasn’t an easy decision, though. We are still figuring out, that’s why I joined this community. Just to know what others think. It may be helpful at a point. However, I know that the final decision is up to us…We’re at the beginning of a long journey that I hope will make our family complete.Many thanks for your ideas!