Closing an open adoption

[FONT="Century Gothic"]If I wasn't handling things very well. That would be a main reason for me. I wouldn't be able to emotionally be there for her and seeing her would just hurt and rip me up each and every time I did.

There are a few more I am sure but that is the big one for me.[/FONT]

No matter who is in charge of the decision to close, I usually don't agree with it unless there are threats of violence or obvious issues with the child (ie, child is asking for contact to end). Other issues such as drug use in front of my family members, etc, would be cause for supreme concern that might lead me to want to stop physical contact (read: visitation).Other than that, I am of the belief that boundaries can always be revisited and reset, even with difficult people. Some time off, forced at times, may be necessary to enforce that shift in boundaries. However, unless the child has asked for a closing of the adoption, the adult parties should be working together, as amicably as possible given circumstances, to work through issues. If involving an impartial third party is what it takes, I would personally do it.That said, having not been faced with issues that couldn't be resolved, I can't yet (or ever, hopefully) say what I would do if I felt placed between the proverbial rock and a hard place. My logical side AND my heart want to believe that I could always keep the needs of my daughter above my own personal comfort. I strive for that but I am also imperfect.

I have been thinking about this thread a lot since you posted it. Originally when I read it I started to think of reasons why Aparents should close an adoption...then I realized you meant why Bparents would close one...that was MUCH harder to come up with.I think no matter what, I would feel that closing an adoption would be turning my back on DD and that I couldn't do that. I understand where Leigh is coming from, but for me, I feel like in that circumstance I would have those fleeting thoughts, but wouldn't be able to go through with it.I feel that if the afamily were making choices that I didn't agree with that I couldn't close the adoption because then I couldn't keep an eye on DD so to speak. How would I know how thier choices were affecting her? If I turned out to be a more stable influence in her life than her Amom was, I don't think I could walk away from them because it was too hard to watch. This is a tough one!

I don't know that I would consider closing the adoption permanently. I could see taking a break and reevaluating boundaries (as Jenna suggested), but unless I was a danger to my child then I can't see closing the adoption.

I know a few birthmoms that closed their child's adoption because the mental illnesses that the adoptive parents were struggling with caused them to be disrespectful to them and not able to handle appropriate boundaries. I think in cases such as these, where adoptive parents are modeling negative behaviour towards the birthparents, it is far less damaging to the child to walk away. I think that staying, and "taking it" sends a message to the adopted child that it is OK to treat people in such a way.

I thought about closing the adoption, because it was very hard for me to see my child, and very hard to walk away after each visit. But I couldn't ignore my own child, and I didn't want to shut a door I couldn't reopen without serious damage in both closing it and opening it. So, I decided to stick it out. It has worked out, fortunately, and I'm glad of it. However, I know it's supposed to be good for the child to have contact with the birthparents, but I don't see why we should put ourselves through trauma just in case it might be better for the child.