Dealing with difficult/unhealthy lifestyle decisions how do you cope?

Hotwings are a food group, aren't they? What does your therapist have to say on this specific topic? Is there any way to take a month break, of absolutely no contact, so that you can get your health and affairs in order, and then return to discussion? Or no?Taking time for yourself is key. You've got to be healthy to handle things. In situations where you can't walk away for good, ANY recuperative time would be of benefit to all, I think.*hugs to you* *hands you some hotwings*

This is where it gets difficult. Therapist tells me that there is nothing healthy to be had from the relationship and that I need to turn tail and run. She says it does more damage to have others see me treated this way than it does for me to cut losses and go. She's been involved since before 'it' hit the fan and knows how this has played out, on my end at least. She's read emails and even been involved in one (one sided) phone call, where the toxic person called me during therapy and I answered. Her professional opinion is that I am not getting anything out of the relationship and that I need to excuse myself from it and not feel guilty. She says that my guilt (ugh) is keeping me involved and that as long as I remain available for others then I am not really letting anyone down. I disagree. Which is why I'm here. (Yes, Hotwings are a food group...and darn good one!)

How do you deal? - Vent a lot to others, try to accept that I really don't have control over another person's actions and try to minimize it's affect on me and my life. When just picking up and walking awayђ is not an option how do you shield yourself from the negativity and backlash of poor choices? I remove myself from the situation as much as I can. Don't call as much, or visit as much etc. I surround myself with more positivity elsewhere in life so that this negative person/situation has less impact on me. Do you continue to ֑pull them up every time they get down, in an effort to appease the situation and not cause ґissues in your relationship? No...I let them know I am here for support but I cannot be responsible for them. That at some point, they need to make the changes necessary and if they need help finding ways to do that, I'll do what I can. If the person has continually asked for my help and then doesn't use my help offered, I stop offering help and just do emotional "support". If you felt someone was stringing you along for financial gain, would you continue to be a part of that friendship/relationship? If it's someone I cannot sever complete ties with, I would put an end to any "gains" or taking advantage "strings." Examples would be not taking the bait (I don't know how I'm going to make the house payment this month" gets no response from me and I change the subject), if directly asked for money, I just say "Sorry, I wish I could help but I'm not able to do that". I try to find other ways I can help out if I'm feeling they truly need it and I need to keep the door open. I might send a grocery store gift card, send a "I'm thinking of you" card etc. If someone were to verbally abuse you, when you stood up for yourself (and others) Җ would you continue to allow that person to take audience with you or remain in your life? No....that's not allowed. I have told a very special person in my life just that. I have said in no uncertain terms is it acceptable and if they value me and our relationship they will not ever do it again. This is something I do not tolerate period. That relationship was "on break" for several months before I received an apology and things had to go slowly from there.

Brandy, I do not have any advice for you. I realize that cutting ties is not an option due to the circumstances of who all is involved. I do think a break is needed. Can you cut contact some? Maybe down to x amount of calls and x amount of emails?I just don't really know what to tell you. My Mom is rather toxic, but I just don't call her anymore. This is different, I realize that. I do wonder how it might affect your son to see you being used as a door mat. But more importantly than him seeing that, is what it is doing to you, which in return affects him.((((((Brandy)))))))

I like Crick's answes. Goodness Crick, you seem to always know what to say!

I like Crick's answers too. I recently had to halt a relationship that is not one I want to permanently sever. I thought it severed it, but it has just put some boundaries in place instead. I was so afraid to speak up and lose a key relationship, but when I finally did~It worked out much better than I thought. When it is such a key relationship, we tend to get overwhelmed with all the "what ifs" and the "but if I say this" type scenereo and the reaction we get may be different in reality.

Four weeks ago a person I love (but don't like very much right now) lied to me, stole from me, damaged my property and disappeared, leaving me to deal with the mess. As the bills came in (so THAT'S where the credit card went!) I dealt with them. Today when she called -- after 3 weeks of silence -- just "to see how I am" AND to find out if I will pay a court fine, she said "You hate me and think I am a nusiance, don't you?"My answer was -- I love you, but you are a luxury I cannot afford!

Brandy~ Just as others have already said, you have got to take care of you. Your health and mental wellbeing are most important without those 2 things you have nothing to offer anyway. My brother is a financial burden to me most of the time and he was a mental burden for many years. I finally had to learn to say NO, No I can't bail you out, no I can not loan you money, No I can not be a babysitting service, etc.. I love him and I love my niece and nephew but I was not doing him or his family a service by continuing to bail him out everytime he got himself into a bind by being irresponsible. The mental part of it is harder for me to deal with, I can say no to the loans,the babysitting,etc... But I struggle more with the emotional and mental toll he can take on me. I feel guilty if I don't answer the phone when I know he is calling to "dump" on me, but honestly sometimes I just don't. If I can I will, but it has to be a good day for me and if it isn't then he has to find someone else to "dump" on. I worry about my niece and nephew and most times that is why I allow him to call me and "wallow" in his self pity, I always feel like it will be less they have to deal with but again just when I feel like I can handle it.I say a break is in order, take care of you first so you have something to offer when it is needed. Hang in!!!(((Hugs)))

((((HUGS)))) Brandy - I'm sorry.... The relationship with my dad is a temultuous (sp?) one to say the least. My dad isn't overly stable and doesn't really get that I'm the kid and he's the dad. It is often one sided (on my part) and rather emotionally abusive to an extent. I have bailed my dad out of financial binds in the past and he often used to comment on what he had to sell to come visit, etc. He and my brothers do not speak and there are alot of issues regarding why, but basically I am the only one of his kids that has a relationship with him. He constantly asked me why my brothers didn't want to have a relationship with him, etc. I was being put in the middle of things. I have had a great fear that if I said something to my dad and stood up to him that he would once again abandon me. I just couldn't do it and allowed myself to be a door mat for many years. It all got to be too much for me and I finally stopped making an effort in the relationship. We live 13 hours drive away, so it was rather easy, not running into each other, etc. I stopped calling, stopped emailing etc. I said to myself if he was willing to put the effort in then I would be there. After one year of no contact my dad called me out of the blue. I wasn't able to talk to him as he was on his cell phone. So I wrote him an email laying it all on the line, I was petrified of what his reaction would be. I said that I couldn't do it all, and that I couldn't be put in the middle of his and my brothers' relationship. He called a few days later and was receptive and apologized (typical behavior for my dad). So far he's been good at calling, and I haven't really put myself out there. It's hard, and while my situation may not be the same as the one you are facing, I hope my experience has helped a bit. It took me many many years to say something to my dad. While I am not overly firm like my eldest brother who is unwilling to put up with the same behaviour from our dad, for me this was a huge step.

I believe that ultimately there are 2 and only 2 things that make people really upset. 1. A violation of our personal sense of fairness 2. A perceived lack of control of our own situation I'm thinking you're getting it with both barrels. That sucks. But analyzing it in this way also allows us to draw up a game plan for handling ourselves. Pick out the big ones in each category and fix those first. Once the culture of change exists, the rest will be much easier. Anyway, I'm not a therapist, psychologist, family physician or anyone else who knows stuff. I've just done a lot of living. Take it for what it is worth.

Brandy, I love this little "story". I think it really helps put the people in our lives into the proper "rows". D. Life is a Theater... Invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a Distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships or friendships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or do you feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you....the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds. We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor allow them to feed us with negative thoughts. Who's in your front row?

I don't know which relationship you're struggling with, and how I might answer your questions would change depending on the relationship... So, given that I'm rather clueless... You said that you disagree with the therapists assessment. Place yourself in the therapist role and re-write the "interpretation" that is pasted above. What would it say? How would you write those two sentences so that you would agree with them? WWED? When I've been faced with similar situations, I've learned, over time, that there is very little actual "choice" involved in what decisions I must make. When I was younger, I stayed too long. I stayed for all sorts of reasons, none of them particularly compelling, but all ostensibly reasonable. Until I learned that the consequence of staying was a price that I would only be able to pay once. If I stay, I lose my "self". I cannot allow that to happen, no matter the person, no matter the interpretation. But that's me. If I stayed in those analogous situations, I would have been destroyed and ultimately I learned that I had no choice. I leave. I'm sorry you're struggling, Brandy, and I hope you find a path that works for you.

Brandy, I wish I had some helpful advice however I've never excelled at being strong and decisive myself.However, I do believe that the advice from others about a break would be beneficial to your health and wellbeing. Get yourself in order and you will be better equipped to re-enter the situation and deal with it accordingly.Good luck and lots of hugs. I really hope that this takes a turn for the better very very soon.

Brandy, I am not able to give you advice but I know someone who I can talk to. My ex-husbands twin brother is a bi-polar alcohalic, who refuses to stay on his meds. When reading your post some of the things you said sound so similar to what he has had to deal with. He has had to take care of him for almost 20 years now off and on. I honestly don't know how he deals with it. I lived with his brother for a short time and it was a living hell. He is verbally abusive, physically abusive, steals, lies, but somehow my ex continues to take care of him. For him its not a choice to cut him out of his life. I will talk to him and see what he has to say.