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I have adopted 2 sibling groups, the first age 10 and 11 at placement, now 16 and 17, the second age 3, 4, 6, now age 8, 9 10. My older son, now 16, though billed as a level 1 kid with ADD was suicidal/violent etc on placement, but after time and effort is now a somewhat difficult teenager that is battling over his right to chew tobacco, smoke cigarettes and wear an earing. He may not make it through HS but he does know how to work. My 2 daughters, now 17 and 10, have some lingering self esteem issues and are a little passive agressive but overall will make it. The oldest is currently in 10th grade and determined to be a nurse. My 8 year old son is an overcomer and a joy to have, typical kid issues only. My 9 year old is a fire starter, has killed pets, is telling us he is going to kill us, and is currently in our local inpatient psych facility, which is assisting me in looking for RTC placements. He has been diagnosed RAD and childhood bipolar. I am working on disruption with him, for the sake of the other kids who are being threatened. Hard to say why some succeed and others fail...the three little ones had the same experiences pre adoption, I've responded to them the same way, but he has failed to bond and failed to learn normal emotional responses. It's very sad. Interestingly, reading his pre adoption psych reports, he was saying the same things to his natural mother at age 3 that he is now saying to me.
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I feel for you, believe me. In reference to the 'why do some fail to bond, and others do'.......dh and I have put that in the same framework as soldiers who've been in POW camps....
Some POWs will survive with horrific nightmares and images that will overpower and last the rest of their lives. Others will have breakdowns and become totally engrossed with what happened to them in the past, unable to succeed or deal with reality.
But others will---through it all---become hurt and scarred, but survivors. These people, over time, have learned to categorize their experiences in such ways that they've become stronger and able to deal and succeed in overcoming horrific times in their lives.
Why, who and how each person deals with their experiences, is completely unknown. Even those who've sought out counseling, will heal (or not) at different levels and times in their lives. The answers aren't known or understood, but we all know of kids and adults who've fought and 'won' in the face of horrific experiences in their lives. We've also known (or know) of those who haven't done well at all---even those who've totally lost their minds or chosen to end their lives.
Just as the POWs survive, or don't. So do children. It's a toss up, a crap shoot...and while we, as parents with love, counseling and patience, can facilitate to help; in the end, the choice to heal or not is completely theirs.
I applaud you for your efforts which seem to have helped to make great progress for most of your children. I hope you don't feel as though you've 'failed' for the one child you may disrupt with, because clearly, you've done the best you could. ((HUG))
Sincerely,
Linny
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