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I just found out that I was adopted a couple of months ago...July 17 to be exact...the day before my "father " died. My adopted parents had no intention of ever telling me and had in fact gone through great pains to insure that I not find out...including securing a birth certificate for me that named them as my parents. I was adopted within 36 hours of my birth.
I found out when my sister, brother, and I were looking through my father's papers for his dd214...long story in itself...and my brother came across a letter to my grandparents from my mother about me. He didn't read it all the way through but thought I might get a kick out of it and handed it to me to read. There on the bottom of the second page my mom had noted to them the details of my adoption to be published in the local newspaper. I couldn't move or think for a second or two...then I looked up at my sister and brother...both of whom were still busily looking through old pictures and papers...and said "uh..I'm adopted." They both looked up at me at the same time waiting for the punchline I guess. Then there was dead silence for a few minutes as we all absorbed the information together. I knew that they were both biologically my parents' children because I recalled my mother's pregnancy and their births. Finally my sister broke the silence and said "are you going to call mom?"
I did...right then...with my brother and sister standing by waiting to see what she would say. I spent a couple of seconds with the usual pleasantries then just blurted out that I had found a letter saying I was adopted and was I? Dead silence on the other end. I said "I take it that's a yes?" and she finally said yes. Every one who is older than me in my whole "family"... knew but lied to me or never told me. The only people not in on the deception were my brother and sister. I'm still in shock. My mother still doesn't really want to discuss it with me and I don't seem to really want to discuss it either..except with people not related to me...I guess that means everyone though...haha:hissy: .
The next day my father died without waking up from his breif coma...no closure...no chance to confront him or ask him anything. I arranged and spoke at his memorial service...I have a portion of his remains in an urn on my mantel...I don't know why...
There I was surrounded by all these people whom I had spent my whole life thinking were my family...alone in this crowd of people who had actively deceived me my whole life...I was too numb to react, to do anything but those things that i would have done if I had not found out...but inside of me a part of me was screaming and shaking and utterly confused at the whole macabre situation.
My childhood was fine. My "parents" loved me and protected me and never laid a hand on me. My childhood was probably better than 80% of the world's. I always felt that I didn't fit in with them...especially at family picture time...but the one time that I asked point blank if I was adopted, my mother lied to my face.
I'm lost...
My only blood relative...my daughter...now what?
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That's the information I was (am) looking for. I started by petitioning the state (IN) for my non-id, and there wasn't much, but I did finally know time of birth, and the actual city I was born in. Then I requested non-id from my agency and found out more including a great deal of medical. There are options if you don't want contact. Of course, not all non-id has as much info as mine did.
belovedone
I don't know if I'm ready to know my birth parents but I do want to know about my ethnicity...am I Italian? Native American? German? and I want to know about my family medical history. But I don't really want to meet them afterall..."who needs more people to resent?" (a very poignant and relevant quote I found from another adoptee's essay). Do you suppose I can have just the pieces of the puzzle that I want or is that unlikely to be the case?
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Well I used this forum as a launching pad to talk to my mom about how I feel. I thought if she read some of the replies and some of the stories on this site she might gain insight into why this discovery has thrown me for such a loop. I don't think she understands still but she did tell me that if I want to try to find my birth parents she will understand, not be angry, and help me. She also told me that if I needed to go to counseling over the matter she would pay for it and even go with me if that was what I wanted...I am soo lucky to have her. I don't think I'm going to need counseling thank goodness but still...
I guess I just wanted to share that little tidbit in case anyone else was having trouble talking to their adopted parents about their feelings after finding out late in life. Maybe showing them this site can help you explain too. I know that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt mom after she has given me so much and raised me well my whole life. Thanks again for all of your replies as I am sure they helped my mom to get a clue about how this has affected others too.
belovedone
Well I used this forum as a launching pad to talk to my mom about how I feel. I thought if she read some of the replies and some of the stories on this site she might gain insight into why this discovery has thrown me for such a loop. I don't think she understands still but she did tell me that if I want to try to find my birth parents she will understand, not be angry, and help me. She also told me that if I needed to go to counseling over the matter she would pay for it and even go with me if that was what I wanted...I am soo lucky to have her. I don't think I'm going to need counseling thank goodness but still...
I guess I just wanted to share that little tidbit in case anyone else was having trouble talking to their adopted parents about their feelings after finding out late in life. Maybe showing them this site can help you explain too. I know that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt mom after she has given me so much and raised me well my whole life. Thanks again for all of your replies as I am sure they helped my mom to get a clue about how this has affected others too.
belovedone
. I don't think I'm going to need counseling thank goodness but still....... I know that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt mom after she has given me so much and raised me well my whole life.
belovedone
I just found out that I was adopted a couple of months ago...July 17 to be exact...the day before my "father " died. My adopted parents had no intention of ever telling me and had in fact gone through great pains to insure that I not find out...including securing a birth certificate for me that named them as my parents. I was adopted within 36 hours of my birth.
I found out when my sister, brother, and I were looking through my father's papers for his dd214...long story in itself...and my brother came across a letter to my grandparents from my mother about me. He didn't read it all the way through but thought I might get a kick out of it and handed it to me to read. There on the bottom of the second page my mom had noted to them the details of my adoption to be published in the local newspaper. I couldn't move or think for a second or two...then I looked up at my sister and brother...both of whom were still busily looking through old pictures and papers...and said "uh..I'm adopted." They both looked up at me at the same time waiting for the punchline I guess. Then there was dead silence for a few minutes as we all absorbed the information together. I knew that they were both biologically my parents' children because I recalled my mother's pregnancy and their births. Finally my sister broke the silence and said "are you going to call mom?"
I did...right then...with my brother and sister standing by waiting to see what she would say. I spent a couple of seconds with the usual pleasantries then just blurted out that I had found a letter saying I was adopted and was I? Dead silence on the other end. I said "I take it that's a yes?" and she finally said yes. Every one who is older than me in my whole "family"... knew but lied to me or never told me. The only people not in on the deception were my brother and sister. I'm still in shock. My mother still doesn't really want to discuss it with me and I don't seem to really want to discuss it either..except with people not related to me...I guess that means everyone though...haha:hissy: .
The next day my father died without waking up from his breif coma...no closure...no chance to confront him or ask him anything. I arranged and spoke at his memorial service...I have a portion of his remains in an urn on my mantel...I don't know why...
There I was surrounded by all these people whom I had spent my whole life thinking were my family...alone in this crowd of people who had actively deceived me my whole life...I was too numb to react, to do anything but those things that i would have done if I had not found out...but inside of me a part of me was screaming and shaking and utterly confused at the whole macabre situation.
My childhood was fine. My "parents" loved me and protected me and never laid a hand on me. My childhood was probably better than 80% of the world's. I always felt that I didn't fit in with them...especially at family picture time...but the one time that I asked point blank if I was adopted, my mother lied to my face.
I'm lost...
My only blood relative...my daughter...now what?
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Hi Beloved One,
I'm glad to hear you talked with your Mom about being interested in your birthfamily. What a shock, to find out you're adopted at 36 (which, incidentally, is my age, too). I've always known I'm adopted, and I'm still having a hard time sorting through the emotions involved in it.
It might really help you to do some research at this point. Someone suggested reading the "Adoption Reunion Survival Guide", which is absolutely a good book and should be read before you go making contact. Other good books that you should really check out are:
"The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler, which is a series of interviews with birthmothers from the pre-Roe-Vs-Wade era - in other words, our birthmothers' group. It's a real eye-opener as to what they had to deal with in the society of the times. It's also quite sad, so pick a quiet time to read it and have a box of Kleenex handy. It's totally worth the tears...
"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier. I just finished reading this one, and saw so much of myself in there (although, certainly, not all of it applied to me). It will help you understand the psychological impact of adoption on adoptees - even if you just found out you were adopted. Not terribly sad, but really pretty eye-opening.
And, well, I read a ton of other books, too, but those are really the best. Since this is still all very new to you, the more reading you do (in books or on this website) the better it will help you understand your situation.
As for your birthmother, you may actually decide at some point that you want more than just your ethnic and medical backgrounds - and that's really okay.
The one thing I've kept saying to my Mom and Dad (adopted parents) is that I love them very much and I'm not looking to replace them. They know about my search and they're supportive, but I can tell when they start feeling uncomfortable, and that's when I repeat this to them. I'm glad to hear that your Mom is being supportive - just make sure you keep telling her you love her and you're not looking for another Mom. It will help. :) Hang in there, and good luck to you.
Peace,
Thanks for the information it is appreciated. Its hard to get through the thoughts sometimes, but as the years have passed I find it much easier to deal with. I don't have anyone to talk too about my adoption, or to answer my questions since both of my adoptive-parents are long gone. I still hope for the day my Mother can face me, but from what her sister says it might not be too soon. Oh well ! In a sense its her loss. I have to keep on going with my life instead of feel sorry for myself. Besides, life was pretty good and my adoptive parents had to have been some special people to accept a new baby into their home, especially since I wasn't born from either one of them. I guess I cannot imagine finding that bond with a child that wasn't born from your womb, but somehow the love of a child is so strong...it doesn't matter in the long run :) Life goes on in so many ways....and it was perfectly fine for me to find out that all along I had 2 Mom's in my life, but one isn't here anymore, and she was the BEST !
I can tell you first hand getting the news that you are adopted at 35 is not an easy thing to swallow. I am now 41 and I still have days where my anger level hits an all time high over having found out so late in life. I am reunited unfortunately. (long story)Learning so late in life causes a roller coaster ride in of itself. As if being adopted wasn't enough to handle. It is a life of lies and coverups. I do not know how many times I spent feeling like I was beating my head up against a wall trying to accept that my relatives (adad's family) were really not my biological family. If you want to talk and need a sounding board... By all means feel free to contact me. I will be glad to listen and relate.
Hello there i have read your post.i am sorry about your father.I am a father that is looking for his son.for many yrs now.and i am thinking that it because just like your post read,he doent know he was adopted.here my storyThis is my story
My name is Raymond i was from a small town Shallowater Tx.I was young 18 and she was 19.we where not in love we just hung out together alot.I didnt live with my parents at the time,was on my owne at the time,staying with friends or anywhere i could.she called and ask me if i knew where she was at,i told me out partying in didnt know.Well she told me she was at the Hosp giving birth to a child and that it was mine.and that she was going to give it up for adoption.I told her on and asked that she give it to me,and she said no.I didn't know my rights or the law.and let it happen.Not having a car at the time i couldnt go looking for her.i just let it go.After many yrs pasted and I started looking for them and she had moved away.I started thinking at the right age he would come looking for us.and no he didn't.I how ever started looking and found out she was working in the same place as my brother.so he got her # for me and i called asking her about the adoption.All she asked me was why after all these yrs i started looking.Because she had moved a way and i couldn't even find her.butt that i found her now and thats why i am looking.she told me she didn't know anything.she told me that her father made her give up the child and that it was him and his lawyer that took care of the adoption.I know that i wasn't on ther birth cert,however i sure hope she was.but she doen't even know that.So I am at least looking for him she dosnt seem to care to much.She has told me that you where BORN 12/18/1979 IN LUBBOCK TX AT METHODIST HOSP.
I AM THE FATHER RAYMOND. AND SHE IS MOTHER RYN ANN GARRETT:hissy:
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As an Amom, let me say that I'm sorry you were never told. I recently watched to movie October Baby and I thought of it as soon as I read your post. This movie, (although one may not agree with the christian perspective) is more about forgivness and acceptance than about abortion/adoption. There may be some really hard truths about your adoption they thought would be difficult, etc. I'm not making excuses, but adoption is hard! My son is 2. His bmom attempted abortion not once, but twice with him before she "gave up" and chose adoption. Then she died of an OD. Very difficult things to deal with for me, much less for a child. Will I tell him? Yes, at an age appropriate time (of course) because that is his testemony. Not who he is, but the path that got him to where he is. You have been blessed with a mom that is willing to listen with her heart and to support you - and by reading your post I think you know this. God bless you and your family as you figure this out.
You're biological mother and father were only the ***** ***** *** *********.
sylvieboots
No, they were human beings.
With feelings.
Personalities.
Memories.
Voices.
Relatives.
Histories.
All of which will have some bearing on belovedone.
They are belovedone's first mother and father. If you degrade them, you degrade belovedone, who has a right to have their original family members respected.
Reducing actual human beings to bodily fluids or body parts is fascistic.
Hi I read your story. Wow I thought I was alone. My circumstance isn't as extreme but my mom and dad sat me down yesterday at 38 years old and told me I was adopted and my aunt is my biological mother. I am in a complete tail spin. I have a half brother and sister that I thought were my cousins and my real brother and sister are my cousins......WHAT? How do you respond to that?
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edward97, Did you ask them why they decided to tell you now?Why now?I'm glad you finally have the truth. I can only imagine it is like having the foundation of a house torn out from under you.I have always known I was adopted. But, I imagine my response would be, "Why did you lie to me all of these years?"