Coming to terms with the past...

October 16, 2007

I am so happy for you.. I logged on this morning and was hoping you had gotten a reply.

This is the first thread with your news so am going to reply here..

bfuddled wrote

OK..back to BDs note. She has clearly said that she is nervous and somewhat 'afraid' to go too quickly, which is what I think we all want to do with initial replys...RIGHT?

After about a half a year after reuniting with bson I went back and re-read his emails..

I realized I missed a lot.. I think that above is key..

See her in her map of the world is my suggestion.. and act accordingly..

So, now I am hoping to do the right thing and take her lead....soooooooooo....what is too much? Really. She has asked me about myself, past and present (I can fill in some blanks but not sure how detailed I should get).....She wants to know about ME...geesh...I never wrote much about myself anywhere so this will be a lengthy reply and I fear too much.

I say stay out of the heavy stuff.. the emotional stuff.. (<just suggestions and I may be wrong so take what you want etc)

Tell her the wonderful things about you.. Tell her where you soar.. Tell her about your love of dogs et all..

Tell her what you want to know about you.. Say if you were getting to know a perfect stranger how would you act.. if you wanted to attract this perfect stranger into your world..

Tell her about the joy of you..

MY ISSUE HERE IS...since this is such a raw subject with her...now, I want to be careful not to say the wrong things...do I express my sympathy (yes of course I do)...but honestly I cant do much more than that. I didnt know her Mom, but can empathize with her loss. Understand?

You got all the time in the world to get to know this woman..

You will know when to speak of the deep stuff.. if.. you keep watching her.. sensing here..

Get out of the way of yourself.. maybe..

I read that somewhere.. get out of your own way.. in this..

Lots of time to sort all the emotions involved.. Such wonderful deep emotions..

She has also asked me for some photos and some family info...altho she has not mentioned in either of her two notes anything about my firstborn, her birthbrother who is 21 months older than she is...She knows I had a son when she was born since it was part of the Non ID that CC forwarded to her when the search was initiated...I certainly feel awkward in the simple fact that I was able to 'KEEP' him and had to surrender her for adoption....that in itself would say that he was more important to me (he was then, and still is actually)...have to be honest here..(no, I wont say that in my letter back to her)....

Again you got all the time in the world to talk about this.. Maybe wait till she wants this information.. till she asks directly..

I did not back away tho when direct questions where asked of me.. On that first phone call my bson asked me if I held him in the hospital.. and I had to tell him it was not allowed back then.. or at that hospital.

It killed the conversation that’s for sure..

Well it did not kill it.. me not knowing who his father is is what really got it into a fifth gear.. or heck off the rails..

But.. I guess my advice would be to not lie.. but wait till she asks..

I cant help but wonder if she knows he is such a BIG PART of my life...hell, he IS my life...his two children are my only REASON for life at this point in time so how can I not mention them......but I cant tell her that.

This is about your reunion with your birthdaughter.. Getting to know her..

Guilt is negative.. I urge you to stay away from the negative..

She may help you in the long run to sort your feelings around this incredibly difficult time of your life.. stay in the honesty.. You are a person of the first order.. keep telling yourself that..

You did the very best you could..

I have sorted thru massive amounts of pictures to share with her, I luv taking photos...but guess what...most of them if not all really are my grandkids (either alone or with me)...or my DOGS who are the other half of my life now.

I found photos of my parents.. and scanned them on the computer.. and then printed them up..

I scanned all the non identifying info that I got from the agency..

I scanned pictures of me growing up.. and when I was the age I relinquished..

I had an old newsletter of a place I worked with a photo of me.. and I scanned that..

And of my sister and her son (they are the same age and are very similar and have met) and her grandbabies..

I scanned photos of my second and third born.. and printed them up..

And what is wrong with showing a picture of the grandbabies.. that is a happy thing..

She is 42 I bet she is mature enough to see that you giving her up was and is something that goes very deep and must be painful for you..

I dont know her....sooooooooooooooooooooo.....how do we get to that point. I have to stop myself when my mind starts to wander, and remember...42 years have gone by with us never meeting. That is going to take some time to fill in the gaps, right? Also...she has taken the step to supply me with her full name now, and total contact information (home address and email, not phone $ yet ,but ya know....I myself am not ready to chat on the phone - I think it would be very awkward - not to mention probably the longest phone call ever in history ! !

You have all the time you need to get to know her.. This is an amazing wonderful time.. savor it..

I have my memories now.. and I love every one of them..

I took a train across the country to meet my bson..

Chicago to Seattle..

I left him in Florida and he was clear across the country..

Jackie