Things to ask or not to ask?

I personally would not allow an emom to see our homestudy, but it was very very personal. I KNOW that the emom is putting her trust in us, but we are also putting our trust in her too, and I wouldn't ask to see her answers either if she had to answer some of the questions we were asked. I did however answer a long questionairre specifically for the emom (including my opinion/view on open adoption). I would be okay with sharing this or even my homestudy if they did it to where it was appropriate for the person to see (I also had first and last names on it, ages, DOB, etc of my family and I WOULD NOT be willing to share these either in this identity theft driven world....). I also would not share my income. Maybe my debt to income ratio...but not my income, that is noone's business IMO and while I do see it as important I don't think that income itself has anything to do with parenting, more so about debt or how you spend that money (but I'm old fashioned like that, noone knows our income and I know plenty of people who make a LOT but who owe WAY more). Another thought, you could always write your questions down and have them answer them and return it to you BEFORE the meeting, then discuss the answers with them. That way you don't forget anything and will have time to process thier answers and your questions about them KWIM?

Oh - another thing, if they refuse to show you the homestudy (like we would have) give them an option to go through it first and white out any answers that they don't wish to share then send a copy to you. You can ask them why they wouldn't share or choose not to go with them. That would have been great for me because I could go in there and white out like DOB's, questions like the sex life question, and my exact income (I would have probably instead put a "range" for you to see). BTW - My homestudy even included questions about our sex life, so I really do mean it was PERSONAL. GOOD LUCK!

OK, our home study wasn't that, um, involved. Yikes!

Yup - this is what I was thinking. There's just a ton of stuff that we discussed with the SW during HS meetings that aren't really relevant to parenting and I in no way want to share with DD's b-mom (or lots of people!) * The famous sex life questions (actually, she never verbally asked, but there were several questions on one of the forms asking about sexual compatibility. None of b-mom's business) * Stuff about extended family: for example, my BIL's 1st marriage ended in divorce b/c wife#1 was a drug addict and so now he has sole custody of the kids. Now, really, why on earth would b-mom need to know that? I can't remember why the subject came up, but he's a great guy and it sure doesn't affect OUR parenting. * Seriously private family history information (the specific, painful reasons that led to DH's parents divorce, discussion of a sibling that was abused by a former family friend,) * Specific income. That is private. I will give you a range, debt-income ratio, heck, even our credit score!, but no specifics. * The obvious Identifying information (incl dob, ss#). Back to OP: if a family refused to let you see their home study, I would ask for their reasons why before writing them off totally.

Yes, I have heard about that homestudy before when Natalie has talked about it. VERY scary and the ONLY one I know that got so INVASIVE. I know it's supposed to be thorough, but I really don't see why it has to go into that much detail.

Jeanelle - LOL Believe me we thought the same when first asked it. But really when we took a step back I did sort of "get it" only because I DO think it's important in a marriage. I think our reasons are like luvmylittlegirls, it's private, there was a LOT of private history, etc that truley is none of thier nor anyone's (except the social worker's) business, even my infertility stuff is a little personal...I know they REALLY got into the nitty gritty and that is such an emotionally charged subject...unless you are a social worker you wouldn't know what is and is not normal for a person KWIM? For example: on the grief part they ask basically what are some ways that you are still dealing with the grief of not carrying a child. That might scare an emom to know you still grieve, but it's normal and even healthy! But I think homestudies range in how personal they get...so that would matter also. Again, i wouldnt write someone off for not allowing you to see thier homestudy, this isn't very common in America (I know in Canada it is) and I don't think homestudies reflect that a birthmother might see them here. I ESPECIALLY wouldn't allow them to see it if I wasn't "officially" matched with them. That is too much of our personal business going around IMO.

As a first mom I had to answer a pretty indepth questionairre that my son's parents got. Lot's of health and family history questions. What my life was like growing up, I think the social history I filled out was about 7 or 8 pages long. That doesn't even touch the medical history. I guess I figure if I have to give out that information, then I wanted that in return.

I agree. It certainly seems like birthmothers are required to reveal a lot about their own lives, history, and family health issues, etc to the a-parents. I'd expect potential a-parents be equally open and at least allow a birthmother to read their homestudy. If they refused, it would look like they're hiding something. If it's up to the birthmother to interview the a-parents and find the best family for her child, how can a birthmother make an informed decision without having access to all the information, especially in regards to income and unresolved infertility issues.

I didn't get a lot of information about my son's birthfamily...medical history yes. Medical history is a bit different considering you need this for your child's health, not just to know. I'm not sure why a birthmother would need to know our medical history unless there was something life threatening. Don't you think it would be a litte petty to ask my family's health history just because you had to share yours? Unless that would truley make a difference in your decision of course...oh and mental illness...i can understand wanting to know about this also if it is in the family. Other information though, I would be happy to fill out the same form the birthmother filled out. I suspect though(at least in my case) it is nothing as personal as our homestudy. If it is, then I wouldn't want or expect it from the birthmother either. I think it's outrageous to ask an emom to fill out anything beyond medical history and openness and a few questions about placement / adoption (just like we filled out for her). I am just astounded here...maybe you have never seen just how personal and long a homestudy is (I mean in America...and I know they vary). It's not about hiding something, it's about not sharing very very personal information. For example would you need to know: Again - what if an emom changes her mind!? You would have all that information out there for people to know!! It goes beyond privacy, but also safety with identity theft.

Honestly there is no reason for super private and personal information to be in a homestudy. My son's parents' homestudy was not that way at all, nor were the other many many that I have read. It discusses parenting styles, thoughts on open adoption, medical history (which yes I as an expectant mom have a right to know, that definitely affects who I place my child with), etc. If I weren't allowed to see a couple's homestudy that I was greatly interested I would not place with them. Sorry....

I have seen a homestudy, the one my parents went through when they adopted me. Yes I understand that a child needs health information. You have NO idea how much I understand that, I'm adopted from the closed era and have very little health information. I hardly think I am being petty for being interested in the health of the people I was considering for my child's parents. If I can be eliminated b/c of a history of heart disease in my family then I should be able to not choose adoptive parents based on that correct? Yes a family chose not to adopt our child b/c of my former partner's family's health history. I didn't ask to see a home study, nor would I have. I don't feel I am petty at all. I think you missed my point in that we reveal some pretty personal stuff too and yes you can use that information in deciding whether you want to consider an emom as a possible match.

Sorry I didn't mean to CALL anyone petty, I should have used another wording. What I MEANT to say was that I don't think the reasoning to see something is just because you had to give yours. I guess I didn't realize that health information is so important to the emom of the aparents, barring any life threatening / mental disease. Maybe that's because the health information (again, barring any life threatening / mental information) for me with a bmom wasn't important either. Tara - I can totally understand seeing the questions of a homestudy like that!! I think that is GREAT that they allow you to see that. I honestly don't see the point in some of the questions they ask either, but I guess I do understand to a point why they ask them. I think it would be neat to see a bmoms questions answered about open adoption / history / etc also...just to be sure you are on the same page. I only got medical history and a short "why are you placing / dreams for your child" type thing (which I do cherish). Again, I'm sorry I offended anyone, didn't meant it that way but realize it did come off that way.

I think you can ask anything you want! I was thinking while reading all these responses, "would I let a pbmom read my homestudy?" yes, I would! But for those of us who completed our homestudy a year ago or more, there might be things in there that need updating! As a hopeful amom, I would be willing to share anything if it would help the pbmom feel peace in her decision. I would agree that meeting the children would be more appropriate for a 2nd or 3rd visit. My oldest son (age 6) is very sensitive to other people's emotions, and I expect to be somewhat nervous when meeting a pbmom, and she would likely be nervous as well. Children can sense those kinds of things. Going to a park or somewhere fun would be ideal to see parenting in action, good idea! Good luck!

Have you interviewed any families yet? Did you ask the big questions and get good answers? Just curious to know how your search for aparents is going! Keep us informed.

BIRTH MOTHERS BILL OF RIGHTS By Robin Fleischner, Esq. [url=http://www.adoptlawyer.com]Robin Fleischner Attorney at Law[/url] I. You have the right to be treated with respect and compassion throughout the adoption process. II. You have the right to choose the adoptive family for your child. III. You have the right to interview and meet the adoptive parents. IV. You have the right to know that the adoptive parents are qualified under the laws of their state. V. You have the right to obtain prenatal medical care. VI. You have the right to obtain assistance with your expenses. VII. You have the right to obtain counseling. VIII. You have the right to ensure that the adoption is safe and legal. IX. You have the right to choose an open or closed adoption. ҩ 2008 Robin A. Fleischner, Esq.