I am SICK to my Stomach

jenna, i know excactly how you feel. Unfortunatly it happens to me all the time too. Just recently a group of co workers ( just started the job) asked if i had any kids. GULP! and like you i just didnt want to get into it. and then the guilt, oh god. i feel for you! here's a poem i wrote last year about this EXACT situation. i was at school in class when this one happenend. it's called I'm sorry I'm sorry that i lied today i didn't raise my hand shame and self doubt swept so fast they wouldn't understand i sat there numb with echo's in my head "Does anyone have a child" And NOTHING was said So hollow, so empty like the beat of a drum How else should i feel when i deny my ONLY son? The judgement i feel the looks of dismay all i can do is look away I dont raise my hand i keep it deep inside so i'm sorry my baby that i lied

m-mom, thank you so much for sharing that poem. It articulates how I feel/felt during moments like these.*hugs* Thanks.

I know this is an old threat but I wanted to answer the posters question as to what to say when you find out someone is a bmother. Please don't say 'that must have been so hard for you.' that drives me mad for some reason. Since I never talk about my bdaughter - it's not so hard these days as she doesn't want to be part of my life so I don't feel guilty about it - I don't have to deal with it much but my in-laws do tend to tell me about everyone they know who is adopted! I find this really annoying because a) I don't care if x or Y is adopted - it's not my business. If they had wanted me to know they would have told me. So what to say? What about 'how's your child doing?' I could then reply 'She's doing well at school.' and the matter could drop at a nice spot. Hmmm anyone et any better ideas because I only know a lot of things i don't want people to say! BTW was there ever a thread on this issue?

Agathaj,Why not start one? Like you, I'm having trouble thinking of good responses to the announcement of my bson. I personally am willing to talk about it, but not every one is. How's your child doing? would work for me too. Perhaps (if they have any clues about adoption), was it a closed adoption?

Actually, for me, "that must have been so hard" isn't high on my offensive list. Because it was hard. It continues to be hard. For me, it's less offensive than a few other things that have been or could be said. It just depends on the individual birth mother.

ok I will start a new thread, although it's not really relevant to me these days but it could help some bmothers who have recently placed.

I agree with you, Jenna. "That must have been so hard" or "that must have been difficult" are responses that have never bothered me at all. Because it WAS hard, and it WAS difficult, and still is 35 years later. Those phrases are much kinder than most of the ones I've heard thru the years. :arrow:

the responses to this thread have touched my heart so much. I'm crying. I have the same problem, but I'm not married and never have been. I think kmsga that is so kind of you to want to know in advance. If I may offer something. Something that would touch my heart and really make me warm to a person is to say "that is so brave of you to share that, it must have taken a lot for you to say that" or something like that. If said with warmth and sincerity, I wouldn't take it as patronising, I would respond 'yeh' and if you said "would you like to tell me some more?" depending on the situation, I either would tell some more or thank you and perhaps mention, maybe now is not the right time, but thank you SO MUCH for asking. The replies on this thread have been brilliant. love Janny

Hi Kathy, i think what I find so difficult is that I never married and I feel that I am not even a lone parent. It feels 'weird' to introduce DS to others in conversation when they all know that I am single and live alone. I went through A LOT to get myself to mention him 'casually' in conversation (when my knees were shaking and i was watching their every response more than radar tracks a plane) to not only friends and family, but to people during every day transactions. Now that he is fading from commitment to the relationship, I feel worse. I feel it is best (IMO) to wait until the reunion relationship is reasonably on track (and I"m not sure anymore that mine is) before introducing DS. For me, its embarrassing when people ask after him and the first thing that comes to mind is "he's on crack cocaine' or 'he's not speaking to me (again)". It really is a hard one and my heart goes out to schmennaleigh. My stomach literally hurts when I can't talk about him because he has shut down. I'm a 'from the hip' open about him, but the whole scenario seems weird. I told my newsagent whom I've known for 14 years or so and he asked 'how nice - 'do you see him a lot?' and its like, er .. no. 'why not?' er, well its defenses and its er... complex.... and I could relate more, but in the end, I uttered something about talking to him later, and I went back the same day and I was amazed how compassionate he was (Gujarati guy - I know how family orientated they are and I thought he may blow me away with 'how could you?' but he didn't) and like 'yeh, its hard'. So not easy, and I sympathise. I wish reunion was easier, but hey, its good to share. I've had a little cry now and thats one more set of tears that have contributed to the healing of sorts. Love to alljanny

Wow. This is something I come up against so so often. I have had three children since relinquishing my oldest daughter. I was lucky enough to meet her when she was 18, my other three children were 9,6 and 4yrs when she came into their lives. Prior to our reunion (Closed adoption) I always said that I had had three children. I guess because one, it is a big story. Two, I felt I wasn't allowed to acknowledge her and three, a bit of guilt and shame. Not shame for having had her, but shame for reliquishing her. Early in our reunion I found it extremely difficult to say 4 children, but every now and then I would test it out...and it felt pretty good.One day I bumped into an old school friend when I was at the pools with my then 7yr old daughter. My friend asked me how many children I had. "Three" I replied. Then there was a little yank on my hand from my 7yr old " Four mummy!" Needless to say I felt a right dork! I could see my friend kinda looking at me sideways thinking " Crikey, doesn't she know how many children she has had." Trouble is when I say four there is then the presumption that your have brought 4 children up...and then that feels like a lie. So what do I have here...feel like a liar when I say 3 and feel like a liar when I say four! Hmmmmm....rock and a hard place.Now that I am 11yrs in reunion it is much easier, and I always say four. Still get the odd niggle in the tum sometimes, but in my head I know I have every right to say it and I am going to keep on saying it until it feels as easy as acknowleging my other three darlings! I also remember working with a very overweight woman about two months after I had my first daughter ( I have a very slim build ) and her saying to me " Wait till you have a baby then you will put on the weight!" Did I have to bite my tongue. I like kakuehls response " My husband and I have two children"> No good if you married the bfather tho. ( I didn't.) susie

Susieloo, I have to bite my tongue over the natural birth thing. All my friends thinK i have only experienced a c-section - some of them feel sorry for me that I haven't had a natural birth! The even more funnier thing is that I'd have another c-section anyday rather than a natural birth! They rave on about how much better natural birth is but I still have slight bladder problems 17plus years later thanks to a natural birth...not to mention the stitches....eeek. (Laugh) Oh well it is a very personal thing. Jannyroo, since my relationship with my bchild is almost non-existent it also puts me off mentioning her. Even lately an old friend who knows about the OA asked me how it was going and I just couldn't be bothered talking about it because I knew she wouldn't understand so I lied and said things were fine and changed the subject. I feel there is no point telling people about a child that doesn't want to know me! Too hard to explain. So I have no photos of her around either.

It's been interesting since reunion. As I've mentioned, I've become deliberate in including D with my other 2 (easier in a way because none of them live at home). Since I'm in a family oriented parish, I announce when I become a grandmother again (I'm much more careful about claiming to be one the grandmothers around D's family...). It's funny sometimes to watch the gears click and move as they remember which son D is. (I've been here for 8 yrs; and I've been in reunion for 2.) Janny, it has to be difficult when there are no other children (in many ways). I think people are often less judgmental than we expect. Many people have experienced the pain of children who have separated themselves from their families for one reason or another. Sometimes I think that anyone who has experienced adolescence as a parent has sympathy for other parents with challenging kids.

WOW - So interesting. My sister passed away a few years ago - far too early and left young children. Today when I am asked "how many brothers & sisters do you have" I still stumble and feel guilty if I leave her out... She's still my sister!! As a Bmom, I have felt the unfortableness of "do you have any children"? Never realized how similar these questions made me feel... In the end (as someone above pointed out) - You just don't want to freak anyone out...And too, we become protective of the bmom experience - It is our's to share with the chosen few which does not = denial.. But know how you feel & it it sucks...

I can't tell you how relieved I felt (and supported) to hear that you have done the same thing. I've got to the point where I'm acknowledging that this has come to a grinding halt and I'm not going to allow myself to be at the mercy of his self indulgent behaviour. My journal says it better, as when I'm flowing, it flows, but when I'm exhausted, its hard to think straight. However, thanks for the support you unknowingly gave me, it helped!!! love Janny

You are so right, thanks Kathy. Love janny