A major, MAJOR problem...please advise

As a birthmother who is not in reunion with her daughter....(so my opinion may not matter) I am wondering though, where is the afather in all of this??? And yes, you are in a tough position. I do think that you have given great advice to your daughter. I am concerned that she is living on the street, after all she is a minor according to the law. Moving in with you may not be the answer, as Dr Phil would say, we need to get down to what is the main problem in all of this. To your daughter, moving in with you might be the answer to her dreams, not realizing that she would still have rules to do by. And yes you are right in saying that you dont know the whole story, but if the amother is not willing to talk to you, what can you do?? But then, is the amother all there?? She definately has lost control of this child. Personally I have a great psychotherapist where I live, and I would go and talk to him and get his advice on this matter. Good Luck and keep us informed.

Thanks so much for writing! I'm so tormented over this whole thing!! You asked about the A-father...he's still in the home. He is a quiet, passive person. I asked "Jane" about him and why he doesn't say anything to her mom...she said her mom is the one with all the control. I can see it. She's 15 years older than her husband. (Nothing wrong with that!) Jane told me that when she was in rehab, most of the counseling sessions were about ME! She said that her dad attened every session, but her mom refused to go after the first because she didn't like the questions they asked. So, she said her dad is much more understanding now. I would very much like to invite the a-mom to attend counseliing with me. Just her and I. Jane is going to be 18 soon and I want a relationship with ALL of them! I feel as if the a-mom may be embarrassed or ashamed because she lost control of Jane? Again, thanks so much for your reply!

OK I am probably not gonna be to popular here.. But in my opnion you daughter needs you.. Letting her move in and possibly working the issue for your end is a idea. Yes you are her mom but you can work this as a friend. If her mom kicks her out and wants her to move out. This is your chance to help her. Her mom can't blame you(even though she probably will)she wants her out. At your daughts age you can give her a chance to get started and help emotionaly where you can. Just an idea I am not a bith mother or adoptive mother. But I couldn't stand the idea of my child hurting and just stand by.

Are you able to talk to the a-dad? Seems like if he was the one that sat with Jane during counseling, maybe he can somehow be an intermediary? Or at least be willing to share a perspective as to the missing piece of the puzzle? I do believe that someone has to be there for her, and if her mom is the one pushing her out of the house, you can't let her sleep on the streets. I wish I had a better answer for you, it's a dicey situation to be in. That 1/2 year shouldn't make a difference, but in a way it makes all the difference in a situation like this. I wish her mom would realize that her issues are only hurting Jane. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do to make the relationship work between you and her mom if she is not willing. But that's something she will have to live with, especially if it costs her the relationship with her daughter. Just be there for Jane. That's all you can do. Best of luck, I hope it works out!:flowergift:

Your daughter needs you now.. You can not shut her or turn her down. Yes may be technically you can but I think you will damage her more than you can ever guess. if she wants to come and live with you and if her adoptive mom is okey with I think you should accept her. She is old enough to decide. She is not 10, 11, 12 .May be at the end what you will target is helping her to improve her relationship with her adoptive family but now it seems that she will be really broken if you say no. She needs you it is obvious. You are not her friend you ar her birth mom. I think "being a friend or an aunt " is a complete lie. No matter what. Think it like this.. You love someone with all of your heart .. You want to be with that person with all of your life and he says " you are only a friend". I think adoption should be about what is best for the child. I think sending her away because you do not want to cross her adoptive moms boundaries is nonsense. Because it is obivous that now is the time of " the questions" some birth moms expect all through their lives. No one can answer those questions but you. if she does something to herself .. Wouldnt you blame yourself. Could you live with it all through your life. Cutting sembolizes that " you want to cut someone within you, you can not cut him/her or the thing that happened and you cut yourself. "I do not know if you have other children or how people in your life will be effected from her being more in your life. do you have any concerns?So I am doing the devils advocate here.. lets discuss.

I am an a mom, btw, but I read this and thought that you are having so much on your plate right now. First, I am sorry to hear about Jane. The poor kid seems to be so lost right now. My reaction to all of this frankly is that Jane is a troubled kid. Troubled kids can be "manipulative" so I just wonder if you are getting the WHOLE story here? But as Brown said, if amom is not communicating with you, how do you know? My other thoughts are that I don't think it's as easy as saying, "hey, Jane, move in with me." I think even for the sake of yourself and your family, you need to think long and hard about your role here and whether you WANT to bring Jane into your home, etc. (this sounds terrible, but it's not your responsibility...though certainly as her mom, I know you care and want the best for her). It sounds like Jane's a mom made a mistake in closing the adoption...that wasn't going to solve Jane's problems, obviously (probably contributed to them)...but I guess what's done is done. I have no real advice, but just wanted to say hang in there and I hope that things get better for Jane and that the two of you (and perhaps her a family) can work things out and have a good relationship.

Rehab is a big red flag to me.. If she is recovering from addiction then she needs all the help she can get.. and she needs to be left alone to sort what needs to be sorted.. You can not control the outcome of this.. not in my thinking.. All you can do is make sure you are there if she needs you.. My daughter had a boyfriend that was adopted/relinquished.. he was into some real heavy stuff.. and ended up getting out of the city.. ended up going home to his afamily.. The addictions add so much to this.. We can not make them all better.. It may not happen.. I could not answer in this thread because I honestly did not know what to say.. but Rehab.. is a biggie.. addictions are a war zone to me.. I say this because I was stoned for a long time.. after the sixties.. Let her control it.. let her be in charge of her life.. Be there for her when she needs you.. Jackie

My initial reaction is much like loveajax's---I am wondering if Jane is not playing you and amom against one another. I think I'd call adad and make sure Jane's still at home and safe before you jump to any conclusions about allowing her to move in with you or letting her manipulate the situation further.

Hi again...I'm so glad I found all of you! Thank you. It's wonderful to finally hear from people that can somewhat understand and give advice. Until now, I really didn't have an outlet for all this. As far as all your replies, the common thread is my biggest fear...manipulation. I really don't know WHO my daughter is. I wonder how I can love someone so much that I don't even know. But, I wonder if my reunion with her isn't causing MORE conflict with her a-mom. Like she now has an "out". Jane admitted to me the other night that when she and her a-mom would get into a fight, she would tell her, "You're not my mom!" I told her that was the worst thing she could possibly do. She said, "I know, but I knew it was the one thing that would make her mad." So, i'm beginning to wonder if her getting "kicked out of the house" isn't a test of some sort...to see if I'll come rescue her. I would really like for her to come be with me so I can help her and be her friend...but I think the fantasy (both hers and mine) is so much better than the reality could ever be. I'm really leaning toward writing her a-mom one more letter...explaining that I am communicating with Jane and telling her I NEED to know her side of the story. I just don't want to betray Jane and get her into more trouble but I really need to know the truth even though I'm almost positive she won't write me back. Oh what drama.... Thanks again to all of you!

I have no words of wisdom for you, just my support.

HI, I am a birthmother of a 6 year old boy in an open adoption. You may not like my answer either. I too think that your daughter needs you. I have a really great friend, who is an adoptee. She is 40 and we met at Antenatal classes while I was pregnant with my daughter (now 1year old). She is still is an aweful state about the adoption even though she has ongoing contact with her birthmother. She cries every time we talk about it, and I thought it made me upset. I think some adopted girls take things so much more personally than adopted boys. She, your bdaughter, probably feels abandoned, and now, her own amom has abondoned her. It wasn't long ago that I was a distraught teen who felt abandoned, so I went out and had sex with different guys to make me feel better. I remember how horrible it feels to be so confused and emotional and not even understand your own thoughts and still try to understand everyone elses. I think that living with you for a while, you daughter Jane will realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I really think that by ignoring her and telling her to go home, you are only abondoning her again (that's how she feels). She is very vulnerable now, and you don't want her to seek love and affection elsewhere and get pregnant and be forced to go through the adoption thing just like we did. I think now is your time to be there for her, because obviously her mother isn't. I remember when I fell pregnant, only 7 years ago, my whole family abandoned me, I was sent to a teenage pregnancy group home to have my baby..ALONE! I will never forgive my family for that. Don't put your daughter in that position, because she will never forgive you. I'm sorry, my opinion may be a bit harsh, but you did ask for advice, and that's what I think. Good Luck whatever you do, You know what's right in your heart, so that's what you need to do. x Lea

LEAKAYE, That is great advice...thank you for sharing that with me! I am definately going to work on healing her fear. One thing, though, I didn't "Ignore her and tell her to go home", when she told me she was on the street. I told her she needed to go home and try to work things out...swallow her pride. But, I also told her that if she didn't have anywhere to go..I would be there in no time. I stayed up til 2am waiting for her to let me know...and I finally received a text telling me that she followed my advice and went home and she was okay. I want her to know that I am here for no matter what...but I also want her to know that I can't get in the middle of her situation and come rescue her unless that's a last resort. Again, thank you for taking the time to share that with me. Feelings of abandondment can have terrible consequences...That's something I definately need to address.

Good luck, Dee....I'm glad DD is not on the street, and I think what you did was exactly the right thing (imo!). I really, really hope that you can talk to DD's a mom somehow...I strongly get the sense that DD may be telling DD's a mom that you are doing/saying certain things (that you aren't) and kind of playing you off each other. Maybe you can "unite" and work together for the sake of your DD. I also think she is testing you (and perhaps testing her a family too).

I'm back. I didnt say before but I do have a daughter who is 20 and a son who is almost 22. My daughter that Im looking for is now 32. But, as the mother of a 20 year old daughter, and I know that they like to manipulate to get their way....I personally would always be there to help out emotionally, and be the sounding board. But Jane needs to learn how to deal with her mother, no matter how difficult she is. In a way Jane is pitting you and her mother against one another. Think about this, Jane throws barbs out to her mother "you're not my mother" and immediately her mother is on the defense. (It doesnt matter that her mother is "difficult" and it sounds like she is). At this point her mother is probably thinking, no way in the world will I ever deal with this other woman. Her mother is hurt and ticked. Yes, her mother has an obligation (I believe) as a parent to cooperate in the counselling process, but she might be too angry, hurt, unrealistic in her expectations, and to make it more difficult, it sounds like she not a nuturing person. I do believe that the afather MUST step in and "grab the bull by the horns", and say enough is enough. I have a problem with men who are passive and are afraid to step up to the plate. This child needs some firm "guidance" and she is not getting it from her parents. Apparently Jane is having problems with the adoption issue, and her mother is not helping with this. I think that Jane needs to go to counselling on her own to deal with the adoption. If her father wants to go fine, if not fine too, and the mother from what we can tell will not go. But she needs to continue with the counselling. She has many issues that are unresolved. After my divorce from my abusive husband, my children were whinning about how crappy their dad was. I told them 2 things..1) we always think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, until we get to the other side and realize that there is still stickers and cow poop (we live in TX)so deal with the side that you are on, and 2) some people have a great mom and horrible dad, and some have a great dad and horrible mom, some kids are very lucky and have 2 great parents, and some unfortunately have 2 horrible parents. But we have to deal with what is given to us, make the best of it, and move on with life. When we become adults, then we can move out and live our life and ignore the parents.

I went thru a very similar situation when I reunited with my then 18-year-old son in 1990. And it was not pretty, I can tell you that. He was abusing crystal methamphetamine, and his relationship with his adoptive parents was practically nil. Not wanting to see him on the streets, I convinced him to go into rehab. And he did ~ several times. He played his a-parents and me against each other constantly. The manipulation, the sense of entitlement, the obnoxiousness, and the arrogance just about had me climbing the walls. I was fortunate in that I was able to forge a relationship with his parents at this time. And we kept the lines of communication open. His mom and I frequently talked on the phone, and we had numerous sit-downs over at their house. They were honest with me, and they were very frightened for our son. Being able to communicate with his parents is what basically saved my sanity during this time period. I took almost everything he said about his parents with a grain of salt, which made him very angry. It was terribly hard to endure the anger of this precious kid whom I had waited so long to be reunited with. It would have been a LOT easier to just have gone along with his games and let him continue to trash his parents to me. But it would have harmed him in the long run, IMHO. So, I put my foot down and refused to let him manipulate me. When he realized he couldn't manipulate me, he refused to see me. Although he did keep seeing my brother and other members of his birthfamily. And making darn sure I knew it, LOL! All his attempts up to that time of rehab were for naught. He absolutely refused to go to any 12-Step meetings, and he always ended up signing himself out of the hospital against medical advice. His parents kicked him out of their house, as they just couldn't take it anymore. Things got worse for him as far as his addiction went. The police were often at his apartment ~ how he stayed out of jail is anybody's guess. His a-dad was a retired police officer, so maybe there was some sort of "professional courtesy" involved. He lost his apartment, his belongings, his friends, his family, just about everything. And it was at this "bottoming-out" point that he decided to become clean and sober. It seemed that he had to reach a point of being in so much pain before he was able to really commit to cleaning up his life. The decision to be clean and sober had to his, and his alone. I'm not going to lie to you ~ it was excruciating to NOT coddle him. Every fiber in my body and soul screamed out to just hold him, love him, shelter him, and baby him. But if I had done that at the point when his addiction was spiraling out of control, I don't think he would have ever gotten serious about getting off the drugs. And we all knew that if he didn't get off the drugs, he was going to die. My kiddo voluntarily placed himself into a wonderful long-term residential treatment program run by the Salvation Army. He lived there for over a year, and he has now been clean and sober for over 12 years. My advice to you is to try your darnest to talk one-on-one with your daughter's adoptive parents. You've had a relationship with them before ~ try to open those doors once again. You need to find out what's really going on in this kid's life. Chances are pretty high that she's playing you against each other. If they DO talk to you, whatever you do, DON'T be accusatory. You have to work together for the sake of your child. PS: And it wouldn't hurt to go to some Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings, either!