Calling out to Adoptive Moms

Hi, I'm a birthmother. I'm sorry to post on this forum cause I know it's not for me, but I'm in need of some answers and some advice. Please help if you can. My bson is now 6 and was placed in what was initially, a very open adoption. His aparents are in my distant family. They are the cousins of my moms, brothers wife. They are not related by blood. Anyway, we found eachother when I was losing hope and my aunt suggested I talk to her cousin cause she was looking to adopt two children from the Ukraine. Amom has two children of her own. A little girl, who at the time was 4, and a little boy who was 2. She later went on to adopt a little boy from the Ukraine, so now she has four children. My bson is her youngest. Because we were kind of family and they are both nurses, I invited her and her husband to be present during the birth. I stayed with P(my bson) for 3 days in hospital until I passed him over and watched them leave with him at the hospital doors. I was due to move to London, England one month after the birth. My mom thought it would help and she recently accepted a new position there, and I couldn't go back to high school cause everyone knew and I would have been tormented. So that month I stayed at amoms house overnight a couple of times, babysat my bson and her other kids, and really got to know her. For the next few years until I was an adult, my mother paid for flights overseas to go and visit him. I always stayed at their house and amom and I got on so well. She was like a big sis. We told eachother so much, we shared a great relationship. I guess I was comfortable with that because I hadn't grieved yet, it hadn't hit home that my bson was really gone because he was right in front of me so often, whenever I wanted to see him I could. When I turned 18, my mom was unable to afford the cost of the flights anymore, so with much pain, I didn't visit for 3.5 years. We stayed in touch via email. I used to get these long emails about how he was doing, what he was saying, what his interest are, and how loved he is. It was so great to feel a part of things and feel that I somehow fit in with it all. Then, she sent me an email, quoting, "P was so cute today, he walked into the room and said, "mom, i love you"". I was so confused. For some reason, hearing that P loved his amom really hurt me. I was so jealous. I should have been thankful that P does love his amom, because that's a wonderful thing. But hearing it was something different. I wrote a reply asking her to be a bit more cautious about what she writes to me because regardless of our close and open relationship, I still have feelings. After that, the emails stopped, completely! Stopped. I wrote a couple of times, but never got a reply. I was completely cut off. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and that seemed to occupy my mind for a year. But it also made the lost relationship with amom more real and so I finally wrote her a long letter. I sent it, and 2 months later, still no reply. So I called my aunt, amoms cousin, and she said she would have a word. I also asked my mom to get involved. I just felt amom was being horrible, ignoring the situation. I finally got an email from amom, after one year and a half, saying she wanted to keep distant because she didn't want to upset me when I was pregnant. She also said that she was hurt by me and that it would take a while to heal. I was again, confused. I finally was able to get some money together last year and visited for the first time in 3.5 years. P had no idea who I was, he was distant and even afraid of me. This was not the 2 year old that ran into my arms everytime I came to see him. He had fogotten me! I don't know if she talks to him about me, but it didn't seem like it. I was a nervous wreck during the visit. We were surrounded by children, her 4, my daughter, and my aunt's 2 boys. I had no time with him, he just wanted to play. I couldn't look amom in the eyes, there was so much burried anger. I realised, that not talking about the adoption and how we were going to run things has really ruined our relationship. I never knew I was going to have all these feelings of regret and grief. I never went to councelling, everyone told me I would forget cause I saw him all the time. This past year since the visit, I have sent P some gifts and talked with him on the phone. He seams to know who I am now, and was excited to speak with me. I talked with amom on the phone to, about the weather, about babies, and about the kids. We never talk about the adoption. I tried writing her some emails about open adoption books I read. She ignores those parts of the emials and writes about something else. Her emails are short and sweet, never more than two lines. Sometimes she ends with 'Love,' sometimes nothing. I'm getting mixed messages. When I begged in one email to have things how they used to be, she said I would just have to get used to the way things are now, cause that's the way they are going to stay. Does she feel threatened? Does she think I am not good enough for him anymore? Do you think she is worried that I will be a bad infuence on him? I just want to ask her what she calls me when she talks about the adoption to P. Why does she ignore my emails about adoption? I read about so many amoms who are so thankful to the bmoms of their children, but in a way, I feel my bsons amom is not thankful because she thinks she did me a favour by adopting P. She wasn't infertile, she didn't need him, and she would have gotten another child from Ukraine. Do you think because she didn't need P she is less relaxed about all the emotions? I don't understand why she is so cold now. Any advice will help. Sorry it's so long. Lea