Feelings of Motherless Moms

Storm... I lost my mom at age 25, and my dad at age 29, so they never met the kids. I miss them a ton, especially my mom during certain times and celebrations with the kids. Mother's Day is still hard for me eventhough it's easier than the years before I was a mom. Motherhood brought on a different cycle of grief even though I had already been through the grieving for the loss of my parents. It's a new realization of sorts of all the things being missed out on, which is hard to deal with at times. And definitely grieved over the loss of support in this area. With the new emotions of parenthood added, it's overwhelming! I asked women close to me to be godmothers of one child. We are not catholic etc., but I wanted my kids to all have someone to kind of lean on and someone to be in their lives in that kind of role. I also have an aunt who took on the role of "grandma" for the kids, so that really does help fill some of the "grandma things" they would otherwise miss out on. Is there anyone in your family/good friends you feel could take on this role? Doesn't necessarily need to be a person that is living near you, just someone that can take a special interest in Ethan. As for support system for you....do reach out in the ways you are doing. It's hard to be a SAHM sometimes and not have the social connections. I found it took some time to find the "niches" I liked and just kept trying things. Hang in there...:)

Storm....I can relate in some ways. My mom has been gone four years. We had a different relationship, as she wasn't one to be real affectionate, but she was empathetic and caring in a great many ways. Dh and I adopted our first baby over 26yrs ago...and she and my dad were there. My mom was there through some of the junk we encountered with our older child adoptions; though, thank God, she missed the worst tragedy within that mess. However, we went back to baby adoptions...and she met and was thrilled with our five year old now. But, she never got to meet our four year old, or our newest baby. (I do have a great MIL who's been there for me too, but she lives a long distance away.) I lived overseas for several years when we first adopted; and I can understand your feeling isolated with a baby sometimes. (My folks never came to visit us when we lived overseas.... ) But.......I guess the suggestion I want to make to you in all of this is to try to search out people who'll 'be there for you'. I know you've said this hasn't been easy---and I can understand since you've been working so much. I've found it helpful to get to know people who love to feel/act as though they're the grandparents to my children now. Even if your dh isn't Jewish, couldn't you still go to services w/o him? Church is a good connection, and good for your child as well....... But, give it some time. Be especially receptive to people who might never have had children---thus, no grandchildren. There really are more of them than you might realize....and many of them are more than happy to assume that role to a good extent. Dh and I are older parents now too....both are fifty. Please feel free to pm me if you want. I can relate in many ways..... (((HUGS))) Sincerely, Linny

My story is a little different, but I still feel the way you do. My mother has been ill for several years and I often look at people who go shopping with their mothers or on short trips and wish that I could do the same. I know I'm lucky to still be able to call her and see her, but we never do anything together. Never. I wish we did.

You know there is this incredible woman who lives next door. She never took any interest in us until she heard there was a baby! One day she just knocked on the door (the back door since her garden faces ours). I found out she had 5 children and several grandchildren, was the principle of a local school for many years and loves children (sure sounds like it!) and offered to watch E for me if I needed her to. Well I'm really shy and said i'd def. let her know. But I didnt' have her number and felt too uncomfortable knocking on her door the way she knocked on mine. A week later she did it again! This time with two books and a hat for E! She gave me her number and we made a date for her to take him the following week for a stroll and watch him for a while while I ran some errands. When I got back she was holding him LIKE A PRO (well at least the way I like him to be held) and singing and dancing gently with him and he was gazing into her eyes! Now that's fantastic. I wrote her a thank you for the gifts and for watching him. She seems to have a lot of time so I'm guessing her kids don't live too close. She's away now but I really want to connect more with her. I'M SO SHY THOUGH. You wouldn't think so by how much I write on this site but I'm terrible and tend to only hang out with family and very old close friends. But she'd be one of the people who I would love to be a surrogate grandparent. I could never go there immediately (my fear of rejection!!!) but in time I think it would be great. She's just amazing. So ok that's an idea! DH is not so interested in religion but I am (not Judiasm necessarily). Unitarianism seems to meet all the needs of our family. E will not be converted but I want the feeling of community a church or synagogue would bring us. I am going to walk over there today. it's about 5 minutes (by foot). Ok here go. My goal just for this week is to check out the church. Next week my group starts and my neighbor will be back in about a week. I'm so scared! And I was so good at connecting with people at my job!

GOOD for you!!!!!! Sounds like you're moving in the right direction!!!!! An unsolicited word of caution though.....DO be careful when leaving your baby with anyone. I know that sounds really contradictory to what we've all suggested you do----but I've found myself checking out EVERYONE who watches the kids for any amount of time---even if I thought I knew them. Keep us updated on what's going on! I suspect you'll have some closer friends and community very soon!!!! :) Sincerely, Linny

Happy to hear that you are getting out more Stormster. It is important to have your me time too. . I do second Linny and I know that you are being careful. Thats what we moms do....become very cautious of our children and who are with our children. Keep us posted how things continue to progress for you. I can't wait to hear more happy and promising things going on for you and your family.

i'm going to do this!!!! Ill keep you posted! Thanks for your help and concern!

Stormster we are here for you!!!!

So, I went to the first time mothers support group in my town which is supervised by my Ped's office. 175.00 but well worth it to share and make friends in the area. When I walked in there was a social worker and one of the doctors from the practice and a seat between them. I sat there. Across from me were four women in their late 20's and early 30s and they were all breastfeeding. OK three of them at once. Let me just say that the second question on the questionaire was "was your child adopted" so naturally I assumed their would be the probablity of other adoptive parents there. So that was the first awkward moment. The second came when the first topic rolled around which was "Why don't we each discuss our birth experiences" ummmmmmm I thought that was so horrible knowing my child is adopted. I didn't have one! I did talk about his birth mother's experience but it was just embarrassing because it seemed so gratuitous and their reactions seemed make me feel uncomfortable. I may as well have been in a group of 90 year old retired Vets! I don't know how I came up with THAT one but you know what I mean. I didn't go back. They def. solicated me to come back but I was like "what's the point" and refused. I wanted it so much but I have a lot of issues surrounding not being able to breatfeed my baby and all these nubile young breasts EVERYWHERE you looked. Discussions about lactation consultants...I wanted to puke. Oh and I felt old to boot. I've been getting out more. I have help now EVERY DAY from 3-8. It's heaven but will only last until the new year. Then maybe twice a week for 3/4 hours but it's a huge change and actually sometimes I just hang out to be with him and have some extra help. I don't run out for manicures or anything. The reason for all this is I've been pretty sick with a chronic illness and caring for the baby was making me exhausted and my symptoms worse. OK so then the woman next door ...I called her (brave) and invited her over. It kind of was weird because I had coffee and tea, fruit and cookies because I thought we might be friendly and then DS sort of a by product of that but she refused all my offers of hospitality and focused only on DS! I know she loves kids but she was here to see him ...she loves babies. She's totally not a perv. She's just a real baby pro. Retired and still reads books about early intervention etc. Haven't been to the church yet. Still have to figure that one out but I will say I'm EXHAUSTED. I don't know if it's my meds (I'm a walking medicine cabinet) or my lack of fitness and getting out or just my age. Because he's finally gradually falling into a schedule and my sleep is so much better. So that's me. How are you guys?

Stormster happy to hear from you! Glad that things are setting into a routine for you. A routine makes such a huge difference for you and for the baby. How old is he now? I bet he has grown leaps and bounds? I am sorry about your bad experience I wish it could have worked out for you. Keep checking I bet you can find another support system for you. You take care of yourself!!! Your son and dh need you healthy and happy!

I hate to ask this because I don't want to offend, but have you considered or talked to your doctor about depression? Or specifically about PADS (post adoption depression)? I know you have an illness but just seeing some depression in your posts (the support group, nursing etc.) and wanted to just mention it. Not diagnosing of course! It's something that a lot of amoms don't necessarily think of after their child comes home and yet a very real situation. I'm glad you are getting the help and hope the social end of things pick up!

Stormster, I think your feelings are pretty normal in terms of being around all those young women who have given birth. What I do think, though, is that you need to find a way to celebrate what you have with your child. How about a group of adoptive mothers? Are there any in the area? You'd have so much more in common with them. I belonged to a "triad" group of adoptees, first mothers and adoptive mothers and it really was wonderful getting to know and to understand each other better. You being in that group WAS like you being in a group of 15 year olds when you are 35. You have MUCH to offer and need to focus on the positives of adoption. If, indeed, you feel that you may have PADS, then you should probably see a doctor about it. But it sounds to me like your feelings are normal. As for breastfeeding, OK, you may not like what I have to say but here it comes . . . I also gave birth to 4 children and nursed all 4 of them. Don't be too jealous. All thouse "nubile young breasts" are going to sag soon. We all age, there's nothing we can do about it. I had my 2 year old and my friend's 4 year old son out shopping yesterday. They are both biracial and do resemble each other. The lady at the counter comments on how beautiful they are, assumes they are brother/sister and then comments about HER GRANDCHILDREN (assuming they were MY grandchildren). I wanted to comment but I was too tired and, honestly, what does it matter? My life is a happy and fulfilled one. I'll bet there are many, many people at this time of Thanksgiving who can't say the same for their own lives. Celebrate, Storm, you have MUCH to be thankful for and to share with others.

Josie, you hit the nail on the head. Sagging breasts, especially after breast feeding is a fact of life. I haven't seen "nubile young breasts" on my body since I finished breastfeeding my oldest who is turning 27 on Monday. I was 20 years old then and I'm 46 now. :hissy: Stormster, I haven't been reading this forum very long and just went through and read all the posts on this thread. I am a SAHM with no children at home yet. We are waiting for our case to be completed in Guatemala so we can travel to pick up our baby girl. I do remember what it was like being a SAHM with little ones and I know what it is like now being home with no little one to take care of. While we love our children dearly, it can get very lonely. I wanted to avoid that loneliness and began looking for a group of people I could connect with shortly after we began our adoption process. I joined every forum and Yahoo group I could find and posted notes telling people I was looking for a group of adoptive parents from Central Illinois. As a result of those posts, my husband and I are now part of a group of families who have adopted from Latin American countries and we have about 30 families as part of this group. From that group I have established some close relationships with some of the moms and we try to get together on a regular basis for adult time together. I realize that putting yourself out there can be difficult, but not having a good support mechanism for those times when you really need someone to talk to is even more difficult. I would strongly encourage you to find other adoption forums and groups (but don't leave this one) and post a note asking for others in you general vacinity to send you a PM. You might be amazed at how many others are also out there looking for someone they can connect with and who knows, maybe you'll find your very best girlfriend this way. :) Of course, if you do happen to be in the Central Illinois area, feel free to send me a PM. Even if you're not in Central Illinois feel free to send me a PM. I don't think we can ever have too many friends. :grouphug:

Crick and the others who mentioned this: I am depressed. I have very negative thoughts and constantly worry I'm not good enough to be a mother. And in general, I"m blue. I feel racist for going out of my way to adopt a caucasian child (DH request but I easily agreed) I feel like I don't smile enough and I'm way to quiet because I'm afraid I'll cough and that he will be scarred for life by my jarring cough I feel old and wrinkly when I hold his hand I worry about the future and my age etc. and that he has no siblings. i am afraid I'll parent like my mother (not good) and everything she ever did runs through my mind like an old movie. The problem is all the thoughts are NEGATIVE. Any of you who have mentioned helping me find a group please do. Open domestic would be great because most of my issues relate to that!? THANKS

((((Stormster)))) The first thing you need to do is find a really good doctor so that you can start to feel like you again. Then he or she will have great advice for groups that you can join to help you along with your feeling better as you! You take care and keep us posted!!! We care how you are doing!