Step-parenting question regarding Christmas

The 'favoritism' at Christmas/Birthday etc are one of the sore spots of my childhood regarding the relationship I have with my step mom, who I consider to be more of a mother to me than my mom. The fact that I spent Christmas Morning with one family member and not at their house was not my fault – a judge made that decision – and the fact that my dad didn’t stand up to my step mom and say, “Hey! These are my kids too!” has always been an issue for me. Punishing the child because their parents are divorced and a custody order was handed down dictating holidays etc is about as fair as treating an adopted child different than a biological child. This is a complication that is exclusive to step parenting – so I think you’d likely get more favorable results from trying to ‘make it work’ – than you would trying to justify not spending the same amount on all of your husbands children. Don’t ask him to pick families – they are still his children… Of course, that’s just my opinion…being an adoptee who was treated differently, as well as a step child who was treated differently.

I don't think it would be fair to be uneven in the spending, but I do think it is OK to establish some special tradition w/ the boys that you can consistently respect regardless of the girls' schedule---just do 2. (Save a couple of gifts to open when everyone's together.) Both my parents have always had jobs (and now my sister does, too) where they did not necessarily have holidays off---airlines and hospitals don't shut down--- so we've learned that Christmas is just whenever we're all together. When H came along, DH & I decided to pick one time over the holiday that was ours, at our home, no matter what. Others are welcome to join us, but that's at our house, on our terms, for H and us. Aside from that, we just work out details of who's where and when for "big Christmas." What time or what day it is is less important than being together.

I understand what you are saying...so maybe some input on this angle then... We have always made sure the kids had the same number of gifts to open. We all kind of go around and take turns. I am having a problem lately because I can sure get a lot more for say $100.00 for a 2 year old than I can for a 12 year old. At what point...or do they ever...realize that I can buy 3-4 toys, or outfits for the price of a pair of pants at Hollister or Aeropostle? It seems as kids get older the price of their "toys" gets bigger too. Hot Wheels are much cheaper than an MP3 player. BTW...we have never showed monitary favortism with any of the children in the past, but this last year it has been made clear to me that the Walmart, Target...or any other affordable clothing is not good enough for SDs. I feel like just putting the money in their savings accounts rather than spending it on items that are not wanted...but that is probably just another evil step-mother idea too.

Looking at the ages I'm thinking your SD know how much stuff costs and number of gifts won't be as important as the one pair of jeans they really wanted. I think these days kids understand cost by about age 7-8 and saying you got the video game rather than a book, sweater and ? makes sense to them.

Creative packaing helps too - you may feel it is important that each child opens the same number of gifts, but that doesn't mean each opened gift needs to contain the same number of items. For the younger set, package items together. A book and associated stuffed animal can make one package. A SET of cars can be another package. Etc. For the older set, break items apart. A pair of nice pants in one package, the matching belt in another package. If you go with gift cards, each individual gift card can be in its own package, too - heck, instead of a $50 gift card, give five $10 cards each in their own package. I also agree that it isn't important how many gifts a child receives - what matters is that dad spends the same amount on each child. You wouldn't give one child less just because a best friend also gave them a gift, would you? Same issue with this - it is unimportant that someone else is also giving the older children gifts. However, your concern that things go unused is valid. So perhaps gifts given at your home should not need to stay at your home. I understand the mentality that leads to that, certainly. But that's a lot of rules and restrictions on the child. Perhaps the adults should decide that the rules shouldn't be there anymore, and the child can use what they own at either home. If there are particular issues, address those. Remove tags, make sure clothing fits or the giving parent is the one who exchanges it, names can be written inside clothing to prevent returns for cash, toys can have names engraved as part of the gift, etc. And I agree with the ones who say to create your own traditions. My family NEVER did the "Christmas morning" thing. Christmas gifts were exchanged Christmas Eve, every year. Christmas morning consisted of a single gift and stocking from Santa, to be enjoyed SILENTLY whenever we woke up, without waking up siblings or parents! I never felt slighted. One final comment - if the older children are acting "ungrateful and terribly spoiled", that probably has much less to do with the volume of gifts than it has to do with discipline and teaching. I know ungrateful and terribly spoiled children who really don't have many material items, and grateful and unspoiled children who have every toy ever made. I am not convinced that material posessions and attitude are necessarially connected. A plan of attack including expecting gratitude to be properly given, and behaviors properly regulated, seems to have more to do with it than number of posessions. That's just my opinion, I'm sure others will differ.

I will chime in here because I am the mother of children with an evil step mom...Just Kidding!!! In our family the kids spend Christmas Eve with us, one of the reasons we do it this way is because we do Christmas eve with my mom, their grandma. My husband and I have a child together so to make things fair and our child to also have Christmas on Christmas, we "save" a few gifts for him on Christmas morning. As for how much, how many, The older kids realize that if they ask for Ipods, computers, Hollister, American Eagle, etc... that means fewer gifts but the same dollar amount has always been spent on each one of them. So J (6) may get 12 gifts and F(14) will only get 5 and that has been explained to F and he understands.Now as a custodial parent I must say that it aggrevates me when their dad and step-mom buy them expensive gifts and they are not allowed to bring them home. Just because they are bought by him shouldn't mean the only time the kids are allowed to "use" the gifts is at their house, that is a waste of money. The gifts are theirs and they should be allowed to get use out of them when and where they want to. Just the same as if they want to take gifts from here to there then they are welcome to, it is their stuff.I am also the evil mom, I don't care for wal-mart clothes either and neither do my older kids, and it has nothing to do with them not being "good" enough but more that it just makes no sense to me to pay 10.00 at walmart for a T-shirt that I can go to Aero and buy for 12.00 and usually lasts longer. I have exlained to my ex that if he wants to spend 50.00 on clothes for the kids and that is the maximum that he is willing to spend then just buy what the 50.00 will get where they ask for their clothes from. I have told him numerous times that spending 20.00 on something they won't wear versus spending 20.00 on something they will just makes more sense. I know that my ex and his wife also feel like our kids are spoiled because they get things from both sides, but the truth is....they didn't ask to come from a divorced family and they deserve to celebrate the holiday with both sets of parents and be treated fairly.Best of luck to you!

At Christmas, all the children get apporximately equal value in gifts. In the course of living day to day, the kids in the house do get more. They are there when you shop, when they need something for school, or clothes, or you know what they want, see it, buy it. So they do get more. How do I know this? I raised two kids, then 2 of my step kids moved in. Then my daughter had her child. My step dau was jealous of my pregnant daughter. Don't ask, it made no sense then and still doesn't, sort of. So daughter lived with me when she had the baby. I became the baby sitter, step dau still jealous. Then step dau got pregnant, daughters all over 21 just so you know. Then she kept moving, and moved 4 hours away. She was always jealous because the 1st granddau, who was living with me, seemed to get so much. I was raising her, she lived in my house. Just like she was my child not a visiting child. We spent and still do equal amounts at birthdays, christmas, and take the kids school shopping. It wasn't until my step dau was found to be using drugs and we took her youngest dau and the older one went to the other grandmother. That the step dau stopped being as jealous, she is 37 now. We raised the youngest grand from 3 to 7. Step dau saw that the little one got just about everything she wanted. within reason. Grandma can I have candy, a book, a toy, sure sweetie pick one. It is a matter of grandma and grandpa having a little more money now. The child living with us. Grandma doing the shopping. You can't change the day to day, but it is best to make sure the holidays and birthdays are equal. The stuff they see when they are visiting. Getting less then the kids who live in daddy's house, can be emotionally damaging. Can hurt like hell. I never got gift at xmas from my dad, if I called him and he took me to his house, I was given someone esles gift. Now my step mom expects me to show up ever week to take care of dad, while the kids he raised, don't come around much. Sorry step mom, ain't happening.

I talked to the EX...a step mom herself...and she said they spend $100 each and that is it. They started it last year and she said they were very understanding to the 2 gifts here/4 gifts there. She also packed everyone's items into one box each which made it seem better. I think that made me feel better because I know I can get the kids maybe one or 2 quality gifts that they will use rather than a bunch of junk.

great idea. The only problem is children under 10. Under 10 they don't always understand money versus number of gifts. So sometimes cheap stuff to make up the same numbers is a good idea. I have one granddaughter an October birth, who has even starting at age 10, not gotten a birthday gift so she could get a more expensive desired christmas gift. The only kid I have ever had that was willing to do that. But explaining that to the other grandkids was sometimes a b*t*ch. Or even explaining it to their parents why she got such an expensive gift. One year she gave up a birthday party to boot. We are raising this child. So I would tell them in Oct, this child is getting no birthday gift becasue she wants an playstation 2 at christmas. Last year she wanted Xbox, she is 18 now not as hard to wait.

I am child of divorce and I have a very clear memory of our first Christmas as a divorced family when there was not one thing I asked for uinder the Christmas tree.My mother was trying to recreate Christmases like we had had before and she went for quanity of presents. She says now, that my comment later in the day (I was 12) of "I did not get one thing I asked for" hit home. From that point one, there was always one gift under the Christmas tree that we asked for. So for your step children- even though they are older, make sure they get one thing they asked for. I am all for a spending limit and my parents still use it now. Some years there is only one present under the tree for me becuase of what I asked for and other times there is more.Another option as they get older is gift cards to the stores they want things from. This has worked very well for my niece (20) and nephew (15). Their taste in clothes is not my taste and I feel much better giving them a gift card and letting them go in and buy what they want. They also save the gift cards they get and spend them on the pricer items that their parents will not buy. So everyone is happy. Love to you,

We stopped buying unasked for gifts and clothes when the kids all got to about 13. So whenever they we hear them say, I like that, we tried to remember what they commented on and get that and the gift card or money. About 10 years ago my son, who is now 40 asked for gifts again. He doesn't need out money, he wants to know we are looking for the gift and finding it just for him.

Absolutely not! We spend the same X amount of money on each child (they range in age from 21 to 2 1/2). There are 5 of them and only 2 live in our home full time. Our kids are welcome to keep the gifts here or take them to their other parent's homes. They are THEIR gifts to do with as THEY wish. How about giving the kids gift certificates so they choose what they want?

We have decided to give the older ones gift certificates in the amount we spent on the younger ones. I also bought a special necklace for each that I found that just said "them" so they will have something on Christmas day.