I have another dumb question to aparents

Rylee, Post Adoption Depression is very similar to Post Partum Depression. For all the time you are getting your homestudy done, busy putting things together, anticipating your adoption, meeting your birthmother, putting together profiles, you are focused on that one thing that you believe will make your life happier. And it will. But that one thiing pees, poops, doesn't sleep, takes up all your day. Whether you give birth or adopt, your emotions are running high. I have never experienced post adoption depression but then I never experienced post partum depression either. For those that do experience it, not to beat yourself up over it. See a doctor who can help you through it so that you can enjoy your child(ren) to the fullest extent. We mom's have enough to feel guilty about. Our expectations of ourselves are often much too high because we believe what society tells us about how we're SUPPOSED to feel. We need to trust ourselves and our hearts and put our attention into ourselves and then in to our families. It isn't easy but with support from other adoptive families, it becomes much easier.

I also would like to add I think we all experience the buildup and anticipation of the adoption...like having a bio child you dream of a certain child and what he/she will look like, do, etc. Then the reality and exhaustion of caring for the real baby happens. Not that you would trade the child for another or anything like that but the reality of the child with colic who isn't sleeping but screaming for hours or the child that isn't bonding like you thought will bust that "dream child" bubble. We all go through this to some degree or another regardless how realistic we are about the whole process. It may not be a hormonal thing like Post Partum Depression but it still happens. I experienced this with our last adoption. I think in part because the whole process happened differently than I had experienced the first time. We ended up using a different agency who did things completely different. Instead of a newborn from the hospital I got a 13 week old infant that had been in one of the agency's foster homes...the fparents were actually grandparents who were in their late 60's or early 70's. They spoiled her rotten...not that is bad but then I had to break all of the habits like being held 24/7 and so forth. I had other children to care for. Then the bonding issue...she had bonded with the fparents and it took a while to get her to bond with us. I have to say that isn't the problem any more!!! I have had bio children so I can relate the two depressions. It's the same thing really...the expectation and the reality! I've never experienced it to the point of needing help but I have met some who have. Just except it for what it is and then get help if needed. Nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed over.

And if I can add one more thing from my personal experience...when our second son was born, we went to the hospital to visit him and his firstmom. We were there with his firstmom and grandma when the enormity of the situation hit, and she started crying. I don't mean just crying, I mean a gutwrenching emotion for a very heartbreaking situation. We never saw our older son's firstmom grieve...until that moment, we never saw the emotional impact placing a child entailed. At that moment, I saw while I was at my happiest, there was another mom who was in devistating pain. After the adoption 'highs' we were feeling, we really saw, firsthand, the 'lows' - and it really impacted my emotions. It is something that still makes me cry, 4 years later.

That all makes sense. I just didn't know that adoptive parents ever had that kind of this because of their getting the baby they wanted. I do understand the care that it takes to take care of a newborn. I had 3 other children after I had my first and each one was a different experience. I had the hardest time with my last one. I don't know why. I never experenced post pardum depression with any of the children I raised. I did have it with my daughter I gave up but I think that was for the sadnness of losing her and not a chemical thing or hormonal thing. Lovemy2boys, wow, just reading what you wrote brought me to tears. Not that I think adoptive parents should ever feel guilty for adopting or wanting a baby or anything like that but if more people adopting children could seen the impact it puts on the birth mother it might make them think more about the girl's feelings and they might feel more love for her. I realize that most adoptive parents these days are told the truth and realize a lot more than they did in the old days but to tell the truth, I still think they need to know that giving a baby up is the worst nightmere for most girls that they could ever do. Yes they may know it's the best for the child (or at least be told it is and accept that) but it's still painful and there are moments when the tears just flow and nothing you can do about it. I experienced that for years. I still have times I think about the way things happened and how much pain it was and how I was forsed to give my baby up and I cry because of how things are now. It's so painful to give your child away. I know some are less emotional about it than others but unless a girl is heartless and doesnt' care at all about her child, she will cry sometimes and it will be the hardest thing she'll probably ever go through. Rylee