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I hope you don't mind that I am reaching out anonymously; I need advice and support, but don't feel comfortable posting openly.
First, I need to obtain some intestinal fortitude. I need to be able to say no. But, I have become a personal ATM and Gift Giving Service and I don't know how to stop it now.
The straw that broke the camels back came in the form of an emailed request asking me to buy a laptop for Christmas for my child, which I placed.
I pay monthly bills; I buy clothing, groceries and occasionally deposit money in the checking account for mortgage payments.
I'm to the point that I've opened myself up so much to this, to say no now would mean me making the decision to purposefully close an already strained and difficult open adoption.
I can't be a personal financier any longer. I can't maintain this kind of relationship, where my child has started to manipulate me because of what she's learned from her parents and what she's seen them do.
It, of course, goes beyond just the money. There are other huge red flags here and they, of course, bother me a great deal, but this is having an impact on me in a far worse way. I feel used. I feel cheated. I feel like our relationship is conditional on the quality and quantity of gifts I give. I feel like my taking a stand will absolutely cause our relationship to fall to its knees and then the
child I placed will literally have no one to turn to.
I do appreciate the role I play in my child's life. My child feels comfortable coming to me when the parents are unable or unwilling to play the role of mom or dad.
It is an all around difficult position for me to be in and I guess, ultimately, I am looking for a way out. I would literally put myself in the poor house to provide for my child and it pains me to know that the adoptive parents are not willing to do the same. In the end, I do
provide money and services that are needed by my child and that is the sole reason why I provide them, but I can not continue down this path.
I don't know what to do. Please go easy on me. I knew, going into this, that I was opening a door, I just had no idea it was such a large door and it would be taken advantage of so readily.
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I meant it the way Vogi said...I said a couple of times I don't think she has any responsibility to do so (though I can see as a mom wanting to make sure your kid is housed, clothed and fed...not that you have a responsibility AT ALL legally, ethically or otherwise but maybe you WANT to make sure of these things). I frankly think the OP should not be asked to for ANYTHING financially...as I said, I think it's outrageous. Sorry if you guys read it the other way -- not what i meant.
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There is a huge difference between LEGAL responsibilities and MORAL responsibilities.LEGALLY we sign away our rights as parents. LEGALLY we sign away our responsibility to provide for our children financially. I think we all GET that.However if my daughter were struggling, could I turn a blind eye? Would I be able to live with myself knowing she was hungry while I ate? No. I couldn't. It would kill me to know that my daughter was suffering, and no matter what my LEGAL obligations are, my love for my child would over-ride that.The manipulation aspect is definitely wrong, but I can't imagine that this would be an easy situation to be in.
TGMom, I know what you mean... The problem is is that these a parents seemingly have gotten "used to" the OP taking care of them. I have a hard time believing that they won't feed, clothe or house DD without her financial assistance. This is like one of those "tough love" things where I think I would say "no" but monitor to make sure that they actually are providing for the child's needs...but then again, maybe the a parents would be so cruel as to "blackmail" her if she cuts off assistance....So tough!!
Sniffles
Love, if the OP placed her child, then she should be in NO way responsible for stuff like that. Legally, that child became the full responsiblity of the adopted parents not the birth mother. I just do not see how you say she should be "providing money for "necessities" to keep your child housed, fed and clothed".
I agree. It is one thing to offer assistance, it's another thing for assistance to be demanded or expected or risk the adoption closing. Ethically that is wrong. IMO I'd lay my life down for my DD, but if I told her family in this situation that I was sorry, but I just couldn't afford it, I would certainly hope they would not hold my relationship with my child ransom. I would hope that my assistance would be a temporary means while a permanent situation could be worked out. It's a hard position to be in for sure. But there needs to be some kind of line drawn between financial assistance and being taken advantage of.
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Wow. I'm not a font of wisdom here but I'm so sorry you're in this situation. What a horrible catch-22: allow yourself to be used and drained, or potentially lose contact with a child you not only love, but also clearly needs you. I can't even imagine how stressful and heartbreaking it would be- trying to walk that fine line between respecting yourself and being available to your child. It seems like the REAL solution is for the aparents to get their act together...but since we can't control other people you can't make that happen. I guess you just have to set your own boundary and be clear about what you willing to provide (love, support, reasonable gifts at appropriate times...) and what you are not (whatever they can't afford but want or need) It seems to me they are preying on your vulnerability -- knowing you love your child and don't want to lose that relationship-- and are using that for their own gain. That's just cruel.
loveajax
TGMom, I know what you mean...
The problem is is that these a parents seemingly have gotten "used to" the OP taking care of them. I have a hard time believing that they won't feed, clothe or house DD without her financial assistance. This is like one of those "tough love" things where I think I would say "no" but monitor to make sure that they actually are providing for the child's needs...but then again, maybe the a parents would be so cruel as to "blackmail" her if she cuts off assistance....So tough!!
I'm wondering how this situation started - was it a one time ask for money in a hard time? How did this birthmom find herself in this position - other than not wanting to see her child and family out on the street, etc.
I would never feel comfortable asking my son's parents for money, and so I think if the roles were reversed I would feel so much more uncomfortable asking my child's birthparents for money.
I was thinking about a friend of mine who has a temporary custody situation and she was told to set up an account for the child (not sure how old your child is), I don't think it was a trust account (as there are administrative fees involved) but there was a independent third party who was responsible for making payments etc. on an emergency basis should the caregivers run short. It sounds like you've got some good advice here - perhaps a written agreement that could assist with certain expenses, to an agreed dollar amount each month paid directly to the vendor, provided that the aparents seek financial counselling? Without benefit of knowing the terms of your open adoption it is difficult to make any comments or suggestions as I am a "closed adoption era" bmom and really don't know how these things work but, to me, I've never heard of the bmom supporting the aparents financially.
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as a totally practical suggestion- regarding addressing the immediate laptop request...How about just cheerfully replying like "my budget is X dollars per person, so if you have any hints that fit that I'd love to hear them." That way you get the point across without a huge confrontation. As for the bigger thing- same as before, I think they are playing on your fear of losing your child for their own advantage. It's really shameful what they're doing to you- and their child- but you can only control yourself and your own actions.
crick
I pay monthly bills; I buy clothing, groceries and occasionally deposit money in the checking account for mortgage payments........
I do appreciate the role I play in my child's life. My child feels comfortable coming to me when the parents are unable or unwilling to play the role of mom or dad......
In the end, I do provide money and services that are needed by my child and that is the sole reason why I provide them, but I can not continue down this path.
We need a place to live... we want that place to be a house. But, a small modest apartment will do.
We need clothing to cover ourselves... we want nice, new clothes. But, half-off days at Goodwill will do.
We need food to nourish our bodies... we want to dine out now and then. But, simple meals made with love will do.
We need transportation...we want to own a nice car. But, a bus pass will do.
We need to communicate... we want cell phones and laptops. But, a land line and the computer at the library will do.
I raised two children as a single parent. We rarely had what we wanted, but we always had what we needed. Sometimes we relied on assistance from the state, and stood in long lines to get that assistance.
My children were not damaged by the experience of poverty. We had little, but we had each other. Sometimes there were no presents, but there was always love.
I know nothing of OA, having come through the closed era. But, I do know something about raising children. I had to sell a home because we couldn't make the payments... so, we moved to a place we could afford. It didn't kill anyone of us... it didn't even hurt anyone of us.
If the aparents cannot handle the situation, perhaps it's time to look at reversing it. If the child is able to send an email requesting money, goods and/or services, surely the child is capable of retaining bmom's contact information.
Just my opinion... I know nothing, really... only my own experience. Nothing wrong with not having "things." Just me, though...
Peace,
Susan
:flowergift:
I have to agree with what others have posted. Also the clarification said the aparents were "mismanaging" the money. Not that they didn't make enough, or that they had suddenly, temporarily fallen down and just needed to be picked up. This sounds like they want more than they can afford and are growing dependant on others to get what they WANT. It's hard to know for sure though.
Further, if they are even allowing the child to ask for a laptop, clearly they are not creating and nurturing a child that understands budgeting and what is or is not affordable, based on their budget. If the child is old enough to want a laptop, they should be old enough to understand what can and can not be afforded in a household. These parents are falling on their faces financially and they are teaching that child it is okay to rely on others to pay your bills, and ask for extravagant gifts? That is alarming. This all needs to end. I understand she loves her daughter, but teaching her the value of money is important or this will last forever.
If I were in this position, and it was crisis, then I would pitch in, if it wasn't I wouldn't. If they can sell one car and get by, they should...etc. If they were making real strides to downsize debt so they coud live within their means that's one thing. It doesn't seem like that's the mentality of this household though.
To me, she loves her daughter, THAT is the reason she stops all of this now.
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I started a thread on boundaries..
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/general-adoption-issues/316544-boundaries-standing-up-ourselves.html#post2018158[/url]
Jackie
I have not read all of the replies on this thread, so I am not sure if this is the "popular" opinion or not, but I have spent a great deal of time praying about this and thinking about this.I believe I would tell this First Mom the same thing I would tell an Adoptive Mom in the same situation. While in some ways the First Mom seems to have more to lose, the adoptive mom really would, too, or at least, the ADOPTEE would if the role was reversed.I think, even if just for a short break, I would consider just stepping away from it all. Most of us have heard the old adage about giving a boy a fish and he eats one meal but teaching him to fish and he eats a lifetime.I think this is similar. No matter what the relationship, if you are enabling someone and allowing the manipulation to continue, then you are not helping your daughter. I realize the stakes are high because you do not want to lose contact with your daughter. However, maybe you can teach her by saying no. Maybe by setting the example and putting your foot down and saying, "This is not acceptable. It is not ok. I have to take care of my family and their needs. You (the parents) have to take care of your family and your needs. If you need resources, I can help you look them up and find them, but I can not foot the bill for you any longer." Hopefully they will learn to get the help they need which will in turn help dd out, too.My heart goes out to you. I can hear your pain in the post. It appears a no win situation, but with faith and support, I believe you will make it through it. Aparents are frequently told to "close the adoption" when things get tough. I'm not saying close it, but I am saying consider walking away until you can think clear enough to set boundaries and stick with them.You are in my prayers.