Need first mom input

Katie'sEdDad, I am the kind of person who wants resolution of everything I have no control of RIGHT NOW. It is so hard sometimes with adoption-related issues to realize that the place you are in right now may be so different than the place your DD's birth mom is in right now, etc. etc. and you just have to hope that maybe someday you will be in the "same place." (I love my pop psychology speak, but I mean it). I was talking to DH today who is composing a letter to his birth mom (he was adopted in 1966). And he keeps asking me, "This isn't going to upset her, is it?" And I'm like, "heck if I know...but my very educated guess is that there are very, very few birth moms out there who aren't happy to at least know that their kids are happy and healthy." So I think it is good for you to keep sending her updates/pix, etc. and hopefully someday she will want more contact. Also, DH sometimes cracks "jokes" about being a mistake, etc. (it sounds morbid, but my DH is very funny). I think it is really important to realize that there is NO way Katie's birth mom thinks she is a mistake....she may have regrets about getting pg, placing the baby for adoption, etc., but I am positive she loves Katie, and if she doesn't have contact with Katie directly, you will be responsible for making sure Katie knows that love. I like that saying someone mentioned, "you don't know what you don't know." And I remember you saying that the birth gparents have not really stepped up to the plate for Katie, so, even tho they may say they did for their DD, they probably did not! Hang in there.

I'm not going to lie. DD's conception was a mistake. An accident. Something I NEVER meant to happen. Having said that, I carried a beautiful baby to term, gave birth to her, and love her to death! That was not a mistake. That was a plan. As for visits. Visits are HARD. I've been whining about not getting one for months. I've been begging her amom and the SW to deem me ready for one. I've thrown myself pity parties for not having a visit sooner. And none of that changes the fact that the aftermath of a visit is impossibly hard. It can be too much for someone to deal with, and while YES DD should come first, as bparents we do still have to take care of ourselves and our well-being.

Just a thought... Many of the responses here seem to be based on the premis that open adoption is best for the child (I'm not saying it is not), and that anything less than that has a reason, a problem. Like it is too painful, or too hard, or someone is afraid or otherwise not ready. There are many people - (although these people are not most likely to frequent adoption baords and chat about communication between adoptive and birth families, so you might not hear their side) - that believe that mostly closed adoptions are the way to go. So you are not getting that input, but I thought I would add it here. Maybe she is fearful, hurting too much, has issues with her parents, etc. These things may change over time. But also consider the possiblility that this is simply how she views adoption should be. At least for her. I know a few birthmothers, friends, who are healthy and happy, and prefer their closed adoptions because they honestly believe that THAT is what is best for their children. She is open to occasional information, but many people do not believe that open adoption is healthier for their children. I am NOT starting a debate, but you wanted to understand possible reasons... Just know that there are as many CORRECT ways to view adoption as there are correct ways to raise a child. My dad is a family therapist, and has a lot of experience with adoption. Our second child's birthmother has closed the adoption, saying she is happy with us and knows M is with the family he was meant to be with, and wants no further contact. I thought at first that M might feel unloved, but talks with my dad have changed my opinion. M will only get that impression if WE give it to him. No one knows whether open adoption is any better, or if it is good for the child. It is too new to know. Sometimes it seems to be better, sometimes definitely not. As parents, adoptive and birthparents, we move forward the best way we know how, and do the best we can, with the hope and belief that what we are doing WILL be the right path for our child. Your daughter's birthmother's not wanting to see your child has nothing to do with how cute your daughter is, or even how much she is loved by her birthmother. (It is silly to think we'd understand if she didn't want to see her ugly or boring birthchild, but this one is so cute and smart and wonderful, how could she not want to get to know her? It is irrelevant.) It may have to do with issues and pain, or it may be simply the choice she has made to do what she thinks is the right path for her, and she needs to be respected for that. So don't go on the assumption that there is a "problem" reason for her not being more open. She may be just a "closed adoption person" - and she was very clear from the beginning that that was what she wanted, so if you want it more open, then let her know you are open to it anytime she changes her mind, but then leave it alone. And let her have the adoption she chose. As a side note: People have a problem (rightly so) with aparents wanting to have a less open adoption than they agreed with the birthparents. - Why doesn't it work the same for those who agreed to a closed adoption? If she wants it closed - unless there's an issue that needs working out - then leave it closed per her wishes. It's what you signed up for, so you need to honor that agreement. Not saying you are not, but you seem to want it more open than she does, so these are just a few thoughts that might help you understand where she is coming from. I don't know her, so of course I don't know her reasons, but just things to consider.

leave space for openess later...it may be as simple as the fact that she doesn't wish to disrupt your dd's bond with you....or as complex as pain and grief and chaos reigning her emotions. I don't consider what you have a closed adoption...AT ALL. You have identifying info and ongoing contact with the bio family. I have the same, and I consider our adoption OPEN. We don;t have visits (yet) but that doesn't worry me. DD has contact with her bio family and thats what matters. We get occasional emails...with nearly zero info. But the line is OPEN and if anything was needed that we couldn't provide alone, there'd be the ability to get the answers we needed. Knowing bmom is alive, thinking of her, and proud of her growth is all the feedback my dd needs at the moment. She understands why her mom is somewhat incapable of more emotional feedback (too many details to list here) and contact. By the time your dd will have the major questions and needs, she will have the capability to understand the limits of and reasons for the lack of contact.

I think your ex wife sounds balanced in that she didn't begrudge you access and any information about your daughter. A closed adoption is one way of making sure that you don't have to deal with very painful emotions that can be constantly re-awakened in open adoption? For me closed meant that, closed and I went through life being told that I'd done the right thing. The idea of meeting the aparents before the adoption was too much for me, as if I'd have met them later in life and seen the little boy with them, that would have finished me off. So closed can mean closed with a possibility of being re-awakened later (say when the child is 18 and the mother may feel she can meet) or it may mean, closed - period, never want to go through that again - want to leave it behind. Perhaps it seems strange to society to think of a birth mother that doesn't want anything more to do with her child, but I know that there are some for whom adoption is a closed book. I've seen it on a UK website ([URL="http://forums.afteradoption.org.uk"]After Adoption :: Index[/URL]) where adoptees have traced their mother to be told go away, not interested. The laws in America protect the right of the birth mother so strongly in some states that even children & mothers that change their minds can be stopped by law from being given the information they need to find each other, anyway, I digress, sorry. Just saying that some mothers don't want contact - perhaps at different stages that will change, I don't know. All I know is that for me, I felt that I would not want to meet my son even if he searched and found me. 28 years later, he did and my response surprised even me and we are in reunion now. When you say that the relationship with the birth grandparents was going well until recently, that seems to suggest that something in the background is going on that could well be affecting the birth mother. Families can put dampeners on a mothers wish or feelings when it comes to their child. I know it did with me. My father recently affected me so badly, that for a while, I did not want contact with my son. There was another time when neighbours were so bad, that again, I wasn't up to contact from anyone in the adoption arena. I was already fighting one battle (my emotions), and an awful neighbour, I couldn't fight another on top. When that finished, I then had my father to deal with, and again, I had been through one war, I couldn't deal with another, so it comes down to emotional shutdown. A birth mother giving up her child is pain. How each mother deals with that pain is obviously personal and different. I shut down and blanked it out. Its possible your ex wife has done the same (I'm assuming she was your wife, apologies if thats not true). Also, when a relationship falters and for example you are now married, your ex may still feel the impact of that. Divorce or the end of a relationship with another woman replacing you can cause pain. My father for example still reminisces on my mother 40 years after their divorce and is remarried. There is pain in divorce or separation of two people that have a child between them. You say that your ex doesn't want to meet you and your now wife. That speaks volumes to me. No disrespect intended here, please don't get me wrong, but it sounds as if everything is going well for you and yet for your ex perhaps it isn't? Certainly giving up a child for her, whom she nurtured in the womb, would mean a considerable amount of emotional pain, whether she has blanked it out or not and to have the birth father on the scene can complicate the wish to get involved as it is a relationship that is past historic and brings with it, its own strong feelings that may be difficult for her to handle. I know if my childs bfather had the interest you have, it would have sent me scuttling off. I had enough to handle without his being on the scene, especially as the relationship had ended before our son was born. Your child may be beautiful, loving and smart, but that still doesn't relinquish the pain that the mother had in having her and making a decision to have her adopted. If you want more insights to how a birth mother can feel, then try Nancy Verrier's website that can give you digestible chunks to consider [URL="http://www.nancyverrier.com"]Nancy Verrier[/URL] - I do think that will help. I think everyone who has replied to you have come up with the basic thread - PAIN. No matter how good a situation, daughter you have, a birth mother always has pain. There is also the element of feeling a failure because of having to relinquish (no matter how good the reason) and having another woman raise your child. I know I have deep feelings and it is taking professional counselling to help me come to terms with stuff I have buried. Also when a birth mother is reunited with her child, it brings to bear all the pain of the failed relationship that brought the child into the world in the first place. If its ok with you, I'll quote some of Julie Bailey/Lynn Giddens in their book Adoption Reunion Survival guide: [FONT=Verdana]p138[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana](your ex may have told herself to bury the experience)[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. (bear in mind please that it could be the bmother telling herself this, or how she feels about her place in society)[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, .......[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...[/FONT] Obviously not all may apply to the situation, but I think a lot of it can. I hope what I have written helps. PAIN affects people's responses in a multitude of ways. You have said that your ex's parents have offered to raise the child. I don't know how she would feel about that and how she already feels about them in her life, or what her relationship is with her parents. It could be good - in which case, she has made this decision to have her child adopted, even with all the help available, so it is possible she just doesn't feel ready to be a mother at this time in life, or it could be that she doesn't feel that great about her parents raising a child, if she feels they will take over. The whole situation may be making her feel so bad that she just doesn't want it. It may be the end of the story and like you say, so many mothers would have loved to have the help available to raise their children and just didn't get it, but that's not how she feels? I think perhaps you feel unable to come to terms with her decision because its not the decision you would have made, but as hard as it is for you, that is the decision she has made. I can understand your pain and confusion though. I am a bmother in reunion after 29 years of separation. The pain for me, well it still goes on, badly, even when reunited with one's child. There is more I can write, but time restricts me. I hope these offerings may give you some insight into your situation, but please bear in mind, it is based on what little information is to hand and nothing said above is intended to ridicule, insult or make you feel uncomfortable. If anything does, then I apologise, but these are heartfelt feelings in response to your request. SincerelyJannyroo

My DD's first mom is not my ex wife but is a 24 y/o college student that neither my wife or I have met. Just wanted to clear that up. I don't even have an ex wife although sometimes my current wife threatens me with it.:arrow: Thanks to everyone for all the great replies. It's given me a lot to think about. I'll have to be honest. One of the main reasons I'm worried about this is I don't want my DD to feel unwanted, unloved or rejected when she grows up. We were led to believe in our adoption prep classes that our DD would have major rejection issues if she didn't have some kind of bond with her birth mother. I appreciate everyone responding. It's given me quite a bit to chew on. Regardless of my quest for answers, we have and will continue to respect her wishes and not contact her directly.

hi there, firstly apologies! its 01.30hrs over here and I'm obviously not picking up correctly here. So sorry. I thought you were the childs bfather. Thanks for clarifying that. I don't know if you have read Verriers' books, but from what I have seen from them, an astute and loving & caring aparent as you clearly are, can reduce the 'blow' of lack of contact/no contact from bmother by being not only open about the adoption from the start, but also when the child seems to sink into some kind of 'distance' in their eyes and behaviour, which later in some cases can develop as 'acting out' -acknowledge the loss of the birth mother. The example was given of a woman who was a lovely amom and she said to her daughter "you are missing her eh honey?". That kind of validation of the trauma (the Primal Wound as verrier calls it) of separation from bmother and child can go a long long way in to developing an emotionally healthy child and will stand in way good stead for the aparents and their relationship with the child. I have met an adoptive mother who lost her adopted son to cancer at the age of 32 and she described to me the wonderful bond of love they had that had led him never to desire to search for his bmother. The bond was just wonderful. In my case, my son struggles emotionally with himself and his aparents for a variety of reasons, but I think included in that, the parents have to realise that putting an adopted child in boarding school is not acceptable if you want that child to cope with already one separation. A second just about finishes them off. Also leaving it until he was 13 to tell him he was adopted was not a good idea either, but there you go. Both books 'The Primal Wound' and 'Coming Home to Self' in my opinion will give you an excellent grounding as to how best to tackle the years now and ahead. I have already mentioned her website which breaks down her findings that thousands of adoptees testify as representative of their true feelings. I can certainly recommend Nancy Verrier when it comes to ascertaining a healthy approach to embracing the wound that is more likely to develop, to be honest, when the child is in teenage years. That is usually when there is a search for identity and need to be 'mirrored' back and can be confusing and behaviour can reveal itself that is hurtful to the aparents, but not necessarily so, but perhaps wise to prepare for it??? I hope these thoughts are helpful to you. I'm sure others would agree with me when I say it is so good to hear from a father that so much wants to be a good father and reach out to be informed. Good on you, that's all I can say. Now I'd better get to bed before I make any more faux pas!!!! wishing you all the success you need for healthy and happy parenting!!

Not a problem, Jannyroo. Thanks for the good advice. We're feeling much better about the situation now knowing that we're not hopelessly doomed just because this girl isn't around now. As any parent can probably relate to, we would do anything for our DD and just want her to grow up feeling good about who she is and where she comes from. Thanks again,

Ed, giving yor child up for adoption is the hardest desicion one can make. I am sure in this case, the birthmom made a choice (painful) and doesn't want to look back and just get on with her life. I think it's admirable you want your DD to know where she came from and as many kids later wonder who they "look like". However, I don't think it is a good idea for you to go out and try to find her and/or force her to "see" pictures or simply wake up feelings you may not want to deal with. My husband is adopted, along with 4 of his siblings. They are all happy and "function" well. My husband and 4 of his siblings (age ranging 42-37), frankly don't think about the fact they are adopted and have ZERO interested in finding or looking for their birth parents. One of his siblings though did make the attemp and found them. The mother basically is not interested in a relationship. She has made it very clear to my mother in law, that it was the hardest thing she did, but she was grateful, her "baby" was placed in such a loving home with parents and siblings who all love her very much. In short, just let it be and respect the birthmom's desicion.

She may. Just as each birthparent handles adoption differently, so do those who are adopted.For every child that is OK with adoption there is one who will struggle. It depends a great deal on temperament, how resilient your child is and how things are handled.

I know that the current opinion in adoption is that there MUST be a relationship with the birth mother for the child to be OK. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having such a relationship. But on the other hand, many adoptees can and do grow up happy and healthy even in a completely closed adoption. Four of my cousins are adopted, and I have discussed this topic with them a number of times None of them have searched, nor do they intend to. One of them had some medical issues, and in the course of getting more information on that, was given the option of getting his birthmother's name and other information. He declined. In fact, he has told me he seldom even thinks about the fact that he's adopted. Too busy working, raising his young children, spending time with his wife and extended family. My own son is 17 and a very well adjusted teenager who is rapidly maturing into a delightful young man. His adoption is -- and has always been -- closed. His adoption has always been freely discussed and he can ask any questions he wants. As of a couple of years ago, he said he'd like to search, but is not looking for a long-term relationship. More of a one-time meeting. Just enjoy your daughter and try not to worry about things that may never happen. And trust your own instincts. You will know how to deal with questions, etc. when you need to to. Good luck. Robin

ommom wrote Amen to that.. And also I believe we need to respect each other.. We say what we mean and we mean what we say.. etc etc.. This stuff is so emotionally difficult and if we do not respect the boundaries of others we are lost. Jackie

I also cannot speak for your daughter's bm, but I too will share my short story. My pregnancy was the darkest period of my life. I felt stupid (come on, I was 26 how did I just 'get' pregnant?), I felt scared (what will I do, what if I have to do it alone, what if I choose to do it alone), lonely (no one else can possible understand how I feel, the rest of the world would be jumping for joy to be pregnant), depressed, overwhelmed, and almost every other negative emotion you can imagine. For me, delivery could not come fast enough, and I want no contact with my son. None. I did, at first, kind of think I did, but I realized I didn't. I have the family's name and address. They have my maiden name and my mother's address. The lawyer has my now-husband's address. I even have the mom's email. But that is a chapter of my life I wish I could throw away the key to.

And, lest anyone take this the wrong way, I will add that I do not hate my son. I hate the circumstances I was in when he was born, and I will say 1000 times over that I am at a better place in my life than I could ever be if I had kept him. I keep a journal for him, I write in it on holidays and birthdays, just in case he ever looks for me. I don't want contact, I don't want updates...that is a chapter in my past now.