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Please no flaming me! I have a friend who for the 4th time, has found herself w/ another unplanned pregnancy. She has medicaid and access to whatever birth control she chooses. However, she is too irresponsible to remember to get a shot every three months. I have actually reminded her a few times, but she lies an says she's gotten it. I need to add, that there is no way that she can raise 4 children. I buy her kid's clothes and many other things. I honestly can't dress another kid. I had to let her put her gas bill in my name, so that she and the kids could have heat this winter. They don't even have beds-they sleep on the couches. When she first told me about it, she told me that she was going to "take care of it" (her words) and I agreed w/ her that that might be the best option. I am pro-choice, but do have some uncertainties about it. Like the evolution/ creation debate, the abortion debate is never ending. I feel really bad that I can't bring the "adoption option" up to her. I am an adoptee and see how adoption has affected me and so many other adoptees. What gets to me even more though, is the life-long pain that you birth/first mom's struggle with. I have read your posts and I've read many of your blogs. It is heart breaking. How can I tell my friend, "There is another option, but it could cause damage to you and your child for the rest of your lives"? I know that some adoptees and bmoms seem to be perfectly happy, but I feel like the risk of the opposite happening is a lot more likely. I hope this all makes sense. I just wondered if any one else, has a hard time advocating for the the "adoption option".
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Thank you Thanksgivingmom and SuddanlySusan for your thoughtful words and for speaking with a lot of truth. How DARE anyone try to diminish the pain that most bmoms feel. When Tmom spoke of not sharing her pain w/ the general public or even people close to her, I totally got it. I don't go around telling everyone that I'm an adoptee or the horrible pain I feel/have felt. I would do me more good to talk to a wall, than to talk to most people. Adoption is such a weird and infrequent thing, that people just wouldn't understand. Please don't tell me it's not rare, because while it's not rare HERE, it's rare out in the world. Honestly, I am not even sure why any amoms have answered my thread. The bmoms on here, shouldn't have to deal w/ anyone telling them about their own pain or their own reality. IT'S THEIR BOARD!
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The point is that we hope people will read threads from other parts of the triad, in the hopes that we can understand each other better. I do agree with Aspenhall that some bmoms appear to deal more easily with the placement of their child. I also think that it is true that we vent here because it is a safe place to share our pain. I truly believed and believe that I did the best thing for D (and myself) when I placed him and in many ways, it has appeared that my life has gone on and gone well. I can, however, truly say that it changed my life and me profoundly. All though I recognized it at the time, it's only since reunion that I have realized just how it affected my life and the decisions I have made. I wonder, btw, bumblebeeskies, how true your statement is. Adoption always (I hope) affects a minority of people, but it may not be as rare as you think. (Adoptees don't always talk about it!) As I think of my own family, I can think of 4 cases where relatives have adopted children. (Not including my great-grandfather who was adopted from an orphanage.) On the other hand, the only other person who has placed a child for adoption that I know of, is the daughter of a cousin. God be with you, my friend
"honestly I'm not sure why any amoms have responded to my thread.."
When someone posts a problem or an issue to the board, it becomes open field for discussion. Each member of the triad can see things in a different light. Also, I feel that my own personal response was objective. I dont feel my opinion has swayed anyone to make any moves as each person responds differently to crisis situations. I cannot tell someone else how to deal with possibly lifelong consequences. Conversely, what may be right for someone else, may not be right for me to live with the rest of my life.
Good luck to your friend. She has a lot of thinking to do, but I bet she will be wise enough to make the right decision for herself and her child to be, no matter how everyone else feels. I think the best thing you can do is make her aware of all of her options and then support her to the best of your ability, no matter what road she chooses to follow. It's not easy.
Amy K, NJ
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In response to the first post--I would mention adoption to her without pressure if I found myself (as a b-mom) in a similar situation. Not to minimize the potional pain that she may face, but sometimes not being able to parent a child or another child is more of a reality than a choice. I don't know if this is your friends situation though.
And I can't imagine social service trying to police emotional damange, I find that a frightening thought.
And I hate being told how to feel as a bmom, or how bmoms feel in general (feels like pressure to happy-up), maybe becuase the agency social worker told me how I could/would/should feel, and maybe becuase the agencies try to provide happy bmom stories to bring in emoms. (I know, I just ascribed motives to genralized agencies.)
If this thread goes further with the "don't post here" implications, I'm closing it.
Our forums are not segregated and while we do expect common courtesy given to where we are posting with thought given to the board's intent and purpose, we welcome everyone's perspective. Disagreeing with perspectives is fine, but we don't allow a "shooing off the boards" mentality.
Keep this in mind before any further digs are voiced.
Bubmblebee said she "could not advocate FOR adoption" because she was an adoptee and she had read on these forums how many adoptees and birthmothers experienced lifelong misery. While she acknowledges that some adoptees might be happy and some birthmothers might be at peace with their choices, she feels the majority are NOT -- because of these forums.To me, that is the saddest statement of all. I disagree completely. I think many adoptees are contented and for that reason have never found this board or posted on it. It's like going into a pediatric hospital and saying "I don't want to have children because the all get cancer"! Or the story of the five blind men and the elephant -- every view is correct but you don't get the whole picture.My adult daughter has twice aided friends of hers who were having their fourth "unplanned" pregnancies and encouraged then not to abort, but to make adoption plans, choose the parents-to-be, place the babies, and turn their energies back to parenting the children they already had. Although she has "issues" (boy, does she have issues) she will be the first to say that her problems are the result of her choices, not of her adoption and that without the adoption her problems would have been far greater -- in fact, life-threatening.So maybe somewhere on this forum there could be a place for people who are glad they adopted and are glad they were adopted? Without being told that we are all in denial? Maybe?
I am here on the forums precisely because of my adoption issues actually. When things are going well I am not on here. I am raising a VERY spirited daughter who is special needs. All the aparents I know on here are here because they too need help or advice or are having issues with some angle of their adoption experience. I was merely saying "ADOPTION always causes the bmom lifelong misery" is not necessarily a true statement...and I based my opinion on personal experience with those close to me in my life.
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MamaS
So maybe somewhere on this forum there could be a place for people who are glad they adopted and are glad they were adopted? Without being told that we are all in denial? Maybe?
I thought I looked at one of these once, wanting to read some up lifting stories and they were just that...a place to post stories, but not really for discussion...and you are right, there isn't a particular spot for it in the Adoptive parents Section. Maybe I'm wrong...I only recall a thread filled with stories...which is great, but I agree it would be nice to be able to go to a thread when you are experiencing a rough day with your own journey, and have positive people who can reassure you and talk it out with examples of their own positive end. This is a tough journey, and I'm not saying I want to go through it with my eyes closed to the problems that exist or could be part of my life, but it would be nice to have somewhere to go to talk with people that would continue to provide hope when you are stuggling...KWIM?
I have found awesome support here when I am struggling. I have also found people to commiserate with when times are hard. I have found people that will celebrate my successes and will try thier best to understand the rest.
It's impossible to be positive all the time, but if positive support is what you're looking for, all you have to do is ask sometimes!
When I thought a visit would never come, and I was struggling I got support and hope in spades! AND I got the "we'll just sit with you in this painful place for a while, and let you feel it." I needed both.
Let me pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off, and begin replying to what I have just read... From Aspenhall:"In my opinion, the bp's who have placed children for adoption and regretted it, or had lifeliong pain are the ones who were capable of being good parents.Just a thought, a way to see it from another angle. Also, you wont hear from bparents on these boards who are 100% satisfied with the adoption, because they have NO reason to be on the boards. I am pro-adoption when the person who is placing does so because of a desire NOT to do the job of parenting....not that it would be rough or they're young...but they truly don't want the job."ok aspenhall... I am a birthmother, I am 100% satisfied with the adoption, and I am on these boards! And just because I dont have "lifelong pain" doesn't mean i'm not "capable of being a good parent". I am appalled that anyone would make such a statement. I have EVERY reason to be on these boards - to help other potential birthmoms work through the emotions that are most likey overwhelming them! I have never called anyone out individually because of a statement they made, but with the things that have been said on here and the discussion about happy birthmoms, I felt a happy birthmom needed to speak up. Please, if ya'll meant something other than what you said, PLEASE correct yourself. I dont like thinking that anyone one these boards would actually make statements like that. You dont have to be in pain to want to help those who are.
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Thank YouI actually DO want to clarify a bit...I never meant that the lack of pain meant you weren't capable of being a good parent. I ought to clarify myself a bit further...The majority of bmoms *I've* run across, or KNOW or have met who have the most pain regarding their choice to place, are the ones who could have made good parents regardless of their situation AND who wanted to be parents but were otherwise talked out of it or made to feel incapable. The statement was made regarding a situation of "capable of parenting" VERSUS being made to feel/believe otherwise. The bmoms who I've met/run across/KNOW or hear from who are mostly at peace with the choice and who aren't suffering crippling pain are the ones who HONESTLY did not want to be a parent at that time, or who felt they were AT THAT TIME incapable somehow of parenting the way they truly wanted to. I'm not upset you called me to explain myself...I realize how bad it sounded without clarification.I was speaking in a generalized sense of the majority of poster's on the boards...on the whole, as a majority, you don't usually post on the boards INITIALLY unless you've had a problem....it's a support community and MOST people who are here now purely to give support, came at one time because they NEEDED support. I was merely pointing out an inbalance in the voices heard here and illustrating the possible reasons.Several of my lifelong best friends placed babies for adoption. I'm not making any assumptions based purely from things posted on these boards. But I did notice a common thread that seemed to be based in the majority.I meant "capable" in the sense that they were capable but made to feel otherwise....I also was speaking of the time at the moment of birth/placement. Not an all-encompassing ability. One friend of mine is an amazing mom of 5 kids. She also is a birth mom of one. She placed because at the time in her words she wasn't capable of doing the job the way she saw it needed to be done. It doesn't mean she *IS* in-capable of being a good parent, it means she believed she didn't have what it took AT THE TIME. That's what I was referring too.Also, I am using the word Pain in an extreme sense to illustrate degrees of pain. I'm not minimizing anyones grief or loss, but truly some bmoms have lifelong crippling pain/grief and some bmoms (who do have some pain) feel less pain/grief to a degree. Most, if not all, bmoms who place do experience pain. I didn't mean to imply that it is painless for any of them.I hope that clears it up better...I would never want to be offensive in any way to any member of the triad. Let me know if I was still unclear or somehow coming across wrong.