My failed adoption story -(long)

After much time browsing the forums I feel compelled to share how my failed adoption has changed my life. My failed adoption happened last year. At the time it was the most painful experience I have ever gone through. I now look at it as a gift. To let go of the anger and except what has happened has been hard, but everything has worked out for the better. I was matched with Robin (she gave me permission to use her name) when she was about 2 months along. Robin is a beautiful young lady. A college student in her last year of RN school. She felt parenting was not an option at that pointin her life. She wanted a home, a good job, she wanted more security for her child. Our relationship grew and we became friends. We talked about Robin always being apart of her child's life. The future looked so wonderful for all involved. I went to doctor appt. the ultrasound, and I was her support during delivery. D was born and all of our lives were changed. I was fortunate enough to take D home at 2 days old. I spent my days with her, singing sweet songs, reading and telling her how special she was. I dressed her in cute baby girl clothes, she was my world. She was in my arms till the day she left. I phoned Robin often, I could hear in her voice the pain she was going through. I couldn't get her to share her pain though. She remained strong with me. I often thought of how hard this must have been for her. Then the call came from our agency. My worker told me Robin wanted to parent. I thought I was having a nightmare. How could this be! D WAS MINE! I was the one getting up at night with her, I changed all her diapers, I bought her everything she needed. For the first time in my life I had the worst anger, maybe even hatred towards Robin. How can someone give a child to a childless women and then take that child back? How can someone be so mean! Dropping D off at the agency was HORRIBLE. I had to return my daughter. At this moment I relized, nothing in life was a for sure thing. I placed her in my workers arms, kissed her, turned and walked out the door. I didn't look back. I went home, went to her nursery, sat in her rocking chair and cried. I did this for about 2 weeks. My family and friends were very concerned. I turned the phone off and didn't answer the door. Then my dear friend, Betty got through to me. Her words, "Sally! Get up! Get moving! There's a child out there for you! D was apart of your life for a short time, for a reason! D showed you what motherhood was about. She showed you how much you would love it. She is special for you, but she is where God wanted her to be." It was then that I realized that I had forgotten about God during this painful time in my life. GOD! Why had he done this to me? I began to pray, to ask him why I was given this pain. I also had such an urge to know how D was doing. After speaking to my worker, she agreed to call Robin and ask for an update. Robin responded tearfully that she had been thinking of me as well. We ended up meeting at the agency for a visit. It was here, that I found peace with everything. D was a beautiful as could be, Robin's eyes glincined with happiness. The two of them were meant to be together. Robin gave me the warmest hug, she apologized over and over for "putting me through the pain". She expressed how bonded she felt to D once she was born. She expressed how her very first glimpse of D seemed to turn all her expectations in life around. When she left D with me, she was struglling with "oweing" her child to me. Robin had grown to love me as much as I loved her. Then she came to the conclusion that she MUST get D back, that D was meant to be with her. Robin then asked me to be apart of D's life. She wanted me to be there for D if anything ever happened to her. I was asked to be D's Godmother. At this moment, I understood what my "purpose" in D's life was. I was to be there when her mother wasn't able. D's life was entrusted with me in time of need. What a gift, of course I agreed. Robin, D and I now share an awesome relationship. Being a part of her life after returning her to her mother has been very healing. If at all possible a child belongs to her/his natural family. Though, it's so very painful for us as Aparents, we need to except this. As they say, "God only hands us what he feels we can handle." We need to feel special, we need to feel priviledged to even be encountered with a moment of parenthood. I am now entering a new phase in my life. I feel driven to missionary work around the world. I want to help children in poor situations, I want to enter their lives even if for brief moments. If I can be there when needed, I have done my job. Entering missionary work will put being a mother down the drain. I'm beginning to look at motherhood in a different context now. I can "act" like a mother to many, or "be" a mother to one. For me I believe I will leave my life behind here, and help as much of the world as I can. This of course means leaving D again. I will visit D as often as I can. I will load her with gifts, and I will drop everything anytime she may need me again. If you have or may in the future encounter the painful experience of a failed adoption. Take it as a life experience and hold on to the warm feelings. Find peace in the child's journey being else where. Sometimes, it may feel wrong, but we all know God has a plan for all of us. Feel priviledged to have been a part of the child's life. And if possible share your love with the child for the rest of her/his life. I understand some children being returned to bio parents seems wrong. As in cases where there is abuse or drugs. Unfortunately I have no answers for these cases.