Being "Grateful" - A Common Expectation?

Yes Indeed, I hear it all the time. Even my birthmother says I should be grateful to my adopters. After hearing about all the abuse/neglet. Why should we have to be grateful for what is basic human right.

I think some adoptees may feel the need to be grateful because it may be relating back to a 'core issue' for them; one of how am I valued, what is my self worth?For some adoptees they may feel they could have been aborted, or left to languish in an orphanage. Perhaps for some adoptive parents, there is sense of rescuing at play, perhaps that might apply more for international adoptions, society may view it as a heroic deed. Maybe for some bmothers gratitude becomes inferred on the adoptee because of the reality of the relinquishment.Nevertheless, I believe it is a concept that does more harm than good...Just my thoughts,Rose

It seems to me that as a birth mother, I can be and am grateful for D's aparents who were all I wanted for him: Not perfect (who is?), but stable and loving and a family. I don't think D should be any more grateful to the parents who raised him than my other children should be to me and their father.

I adopted my daughter last year from foster care when she was 8 years old. People have that attitude that she should just be happy to have anything. They think that she should never misbehave because she should be so happy just to be with us. It does make me feel queasy to think of someone telling her that she's lucky we adopted her. Or that she should feel some gratitude for us raising her. She's our daughter and we are the lucky ones.It would be like me telling someone that they sure are lucky their husband married them. Otherwise they would have been all alone forever.

Brandy, perhaps the reason why the gratefulness of which you speak is so offensive is that it is imposed rather than genuinely felt. lovemy2boys expressed it very well, saying that while there is gratitude in her family, it is not forced--it is offered up by each person. I think the absolute most damaging aspect of this "gratefulness" that adoptees are supposed to feel comes around when they express their desire to search for birthfamily. Many have complained about being met with a lack of understand, even to outright hostility, because they aren't "supposed" to want to know where they came from--their adoptive family should be "enough" for them. If they want to search, it is not because they are missing their connection to the rest of the human race and need to know where they came from, but because they are ungrateful and selfish. This is such a damaging attitude for other people to take, and it is so ingrained in the concept of adoption that many adoptees feel terribly guilty when they even think about searching because they're afraid that they are being ungrateful! It is ludicrous. I owe no one my gratitude; there are times when I do feel grateful, but for anyone to infer that I have a duty to anyone to feel grateful all the time... that is just plain cruel.

My parents NEVER made me feel that I needed to be grateful to them because they adopted me. As a matter of fact, I can't ever recall them telling me I should be grateful for anything they did for me. It was done out of love, and yes I was and am grateful that my parents showed me that love, because I know some people don't get that. That is not to say that they were perfect, or "got me" all the time, but what they did do, was out of love. I heard more of the "grateful" comments from society. People who would learn of my adoptee status, and say things like "oh you must be so grateful that they took you in". UGH UGH UGH :hissy: I HATE the attitude that adoptees should be "grateful" or "owe" something to their parents based on their adoption. Or even worse, that I am UNGRATEFUL for wanting to search. I have had people say, How can you do that!?!??! After all they have done for you!!! To those comments I want to say, do you love conditionally, because that is exactly the message you are sending. That the things my parents did for me, the love they showed, was based on if I would be GRATEFUL for what they did for me...adopting me. I know that the motives behind my parents love was not to gain me being grateful, but just because we were a family that loved each other! So no, I am not grateful that my parents adopted me...but I am grateful that they are my parents. And there is a difference in that comment.... :flower:

Yea i can understand that thing why should you be graefull? but you have to ask yourself as an adoptee what would the alternative have been. In a way I am gratefull,having spoken to many adoptee's in England. Abuse was rife in the 60s and 70s and people got away with it . I do hate the stigma of adoption but things could always be worse...much worse!

What I meant was abuse was rife in childrens homes in the 60s and 70s...dyslexic as well as overwieght and underloved

im 40f ca, i have 2 year younger brother who was also adopted, different sets if bp...im the one thats gratefull, mikes the one thats hatefull.mike lives with my dad, mike39 and has had massive anger problems all life. ive had problems too, but ive had depression/BPD. long story short, i have lived at my own apt, currrently alone, for over 10 yrs. mike still lives at home with my dad. my mom went into a home 5 yrs ago,alzheimers/dementia. mike is a violent drug adddict that is now abusing my dad. dad is terrifies to leave, terrified to stay at the home.now mike recently let his 19yr son move in..mike does not pay rent for himself or for jaime. 8 yrs ago, it started to get bad.mike would have his friends over and they smoke dope,tweak on the tools in the shop ( tools my dad took years to collect, his pride and joy) then tools starting disappearing and are now pretty well gone.the police have raided this house 5 times already, my dad has God smiling on him and he has not lost his house...yet... now mike beats mt dad up, often. he brags on how my dads owes HIM and he dont care and hes waiting for my dad to hurry up and die already.. this floors me,im the graetfull one that helps my dad, cleans their house, whatever he needs,ill do.im on ssi and have no money and my dad helps me buy my grocerys everymonth,i apprecate that! recently, my dad has crushed me. he gave my piano ( bought for me as a child) away to my nefew and did not even ask me or anything, THEN he gave his grandfathets mandolin away! he always wanted me to play a song on it, so i learned violen, but it was kinda stashed away, and not thougth of a lot.. he gave those away.. i was so crushed, devistaed im crying now typing this. when i treid to tell him how i felt, how could he give my INSTRUMENTS away and didnt even tell me? he said because i never showed any interest in it, well what ami supposed to do, its just to creepy for me to start tagging things before hes even dead, thats why i 'never showed interet.' so i figured, ok, and i 'put my bid ' in on his antique gun cabnet and the guins. well, that got me ignored and now hes acting like im this horrible person because apperently mike, the drug addicted felon with anger issues and 2 strikes, says they are his . im a single woman that lives on my own that is not a dope addict excon.but whatevr. im not even allowed over there now because mike decided im no longr allowed. my dad comes to lodge meetings with huge unexplainable bandages, because he 'fell'.. im hurt, i email my dad to please tlak to me, dont shut me out here, i need to know everyting is ok, but mike wont let him talk to me now.im still wating for him to write me back, its been a week... i dont know...hes afraid of mike and is being abused. one time i told his lodge buddys ( im also an elk memeber) about it, they cant do a thing. my dad has everyone convinced everying is fine, that IM trying to get poor MIKE in trouble!! he wont even write me back.we live in the same town,he used to come by my house twice a week to say hi, we would always talk at least 5 times a week.. now he wont talk to me.

I recently found out I was adopted and do have a lot of resentment that my adoptive mother has totally shooved it in my face that I should be grateful, she has gone as far as to say that everyone wanted me to be aborted and that I would have spent my life in foster homes, even though I was adopted as a baby so I highly doubt that I ever would have been in a foster home. I agree with that we shouldn't be any more grateful than a bio child. My adoptive mother had lost 2 babies within hours of their birth so if anything I think she should be grateful for me to come along. But mostly I look at my own children and can't imagine ever expecting them to thank me just for them being here, afterall I'm the one that wanted them and they are the greatest gifts of all.

I was adopted as an infant in the 50's. The person my aparents and I were always grateful to was that young girl who had me and gave me to them to be a part of their family. They never expected me to be grateful that I was adopted but definitely were grateful that I was a part of them, no matter how that happened. I am grateful for the love and support I received from my aparents, just the same as if I was their bio child (ie the same as my brother). It never occurred to anyone for me to be grateful I had been adopted.

I think where I feel "grateful" in, is the fact that my parents were able to love me as their own. I think for many, especially in the era I was adopted in (Mid '60's) You didn't have the screening and children were made to feel like their aparents did them some favor. Reading here, some adoptees experienced a difference in the fact they were not biologically their own children. I am grateful that my parents were able to accept me as their own. I was never meant to feel like I should be grateful they took me in or anything like that. I am grateful my parent chose adoption as the way to build their family. I have many friends who have undergone many fertility options to still remain childless. They have no desire to adopt "someone else's child" (and that's fine, if they feel that way, they SHOULDN'T adopt!) I am just grateful my parent's heart were big enough to look beyond the fact that I was not biologically theirs. That is how I feel grateful as an adoptee. Carolyn

sacrifice, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's struggle with your abusive brother! I can hear the desperation in your voice to change things, and it's sad that your brother has got such a grip on your father that you can't even have contact. If there was ever a case of an acting out adoptee, it sounds like your brother would be it. Has he ever had professional help/medication?

Some of my aparent's friends and some of my adoptive relatives have mentioned the "grateful" thing as part of "why did you feel the need to search". I've explained the "whys" and I think most of them understand now. But there are those who never will. I don't agree with being "grateful". I love my (now deceased) aparents with all of my heart. But I don't think grateful is the right word. I am thankful that I was adopted by them just as someone who had been born to them would have been thankful to have them for parents. But, to me, grateful implies that we are less than other people and should be very glad anyone wanted us. Thankful yes. Grateful no.

I've been reading this forum for a short while now because I have just recently located my birth mother. No contact yet but hopeful. This thread caught my eye for this reason. I was adopted at birth by a very well to do family (Adopted mothers side). She died when I was 10 and as the years went by so did both of my grandparents. After these three people passed the extended family tried to take all of my inheritance that was left to me and my two adopted siblings. Not being blood relatives came up in conversation a lot. It ended up in court and the last words out of their lawyers mouth in closing arguments was this "You should thank your lucky stars that you were adopted into this fine family." This was my family that I had loved all my life and I thought loved me too. There were no problems with our relationship, I thought. Well I am grateful for being adopted, but it was a real eye opener to know there was such resentment and jealousies against me for 30 plus years because I was not blood. It still hurts some 13 years later but I'm glad to know the truth.