Sensitive question..

This doesn't answer your question, but I can tell you as a bmom, that I would not have placed D for adoption if he had been born with any problems.

I think each and every situation is different and you have to go with your gut as to what your family can/is willing to take on. As for us, we found out just a few days before Castle was born that her birthfather had some issues with autism and other things and we were very afraid but we prayed and researched and in the end we really didn't think twice about it. We knew from the very get go that this child had been sent to us for a reason, we were not looking to adopt. You'll know when the time comes if the situation is for you or not. Good luck.

DH was very clear that he felt we should not adopt an infant with significant medical issues including certain birth defects. My feeling was that, much like when pregnant, you learn to cope with whatever comes you're way. However, because of his fears we made that stipulation. I think its important to have agreement in advance so the decision isn't a totally emotional one.

sbaglio, I think each adoptive family has to determine what they are capable of. My husband and I knew there was the possibility of some problems before my son was born and we decided that we would adopt him regardless - just as if I had given birth to him. However - we were (and are) in a position where we had excellent health coverage, a good home, he could be our only child, my son had a daughter previously who had severe physical and mental disabilities so we had an idea of how bad it could be. I had experience working with mentally and emotionally challenged children and also teach in the field. We were uniquely capable of handling a child with serious difficulties and were willing and able to do so. Had we not been in such a unique set of circumstances which would enable our being able to care for a child with potential multiple problems then we would have said no. We talked long and hard about it before making a decision. Also - it is important to consider that it would not be fair to the child or the aparents to try and take care of a child for which you may not be readily capable. Take your time and consider your own personal circumstances. Be fair to both yourselves and the child. Best wishes for you. Christie

As a single parent who had a limited family support system and would be paying for childcare from the beginning, I determined that I had good medical coverage and could cope with most medical problems, including those that might require surgery. What I could NOT cope with was mental illness or mental retardation of any kind. There had to be a possibility of improvement, which there was in physical disabilities. My first daughter was severely allergic and severely asthmatic. My second daughter had a poorly treated gunshot wound in her leg. In between accepting these two I turned down a girl with fetal alcohol syndrome because of the mental complications with FAS. Both girls grew up fine, and my medical insurance helped me to provide everything they needed.

Like others you should sit down prior to adopting and make a list of what you are/aren't willing to accept in a child. Not every baby is right for every family. I commend people who, in advance, know what they can handle. It would be worse to accept a situation knowing something was wrong then back out. I can't imagine what the bmom would be going thru then have that happen. There is nothing wrong with knowing your limitations.

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers.Fadzi

We had a heartbreaking situation for all concerned.. Baby was born underweight, cord around neck, dr wanted to do csection but Bmther refused, so "vacuum cap" delivery. We didn't know til two days later that there was a cerebral hemmorhage. Yes we fell in love too soon. There had been a discussion between my DH and I prior about the 'what Ifs" but truly you cannot be prepared emotionally for that - . However, don't be like us and hang back and not demand info because you are intended parents only. Our hospital treated us like we weren't entitled to info, when in fact, legally , we were. So make sure you discuss these hard issues with your attorney in advance. The birth mother, in our case decided to parent. I pray for that little baby. Hearing all your stories helps thank -you and love and strength to you in your quest.

I worked at an adoption agency and we had a situation where a child was born who would most likely have some significant mental retardation. The potential adoptive parents felt they could not handle his issues and backed down from the adoption. But new parents were found who were well aware of the issues this child could have and more than willing to be committed to him. So I think that if a situation comes up that you feel you are not capable of handling for a lifetime, there are other families waiting for these children and they should be parented by a family that is able to give these children all that they need. Not everyone will understand that and some will have plenty to say about an adoptive couple backing away from an adoption but this is about what's best for everyone.

Well said. This is what our agency told us as well (and in nearly as nice a way as joskids! :)) Open your heart, yes, but do not take on something you don't think you can handle out of misplaced guilt. It's not fair to you or to the child.