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Our 4.5yr old runs away from me in public every time we are out (adopted 9/07). To help with this, her counselor said she has to be in a stroller, cart, or on a least in public, until this behavior is stopped. So, I've used a cart and stroller for the last two weeks. We have of course ran out of breath explaining safety to her, and how much we love her, don't want to lose her, etc., here. She doesn't care or doesn't get it.
We have no idea what is behind this behavior. A developmental delay, A RAD behavior, processing issue, emotional issue? We have no clue, but we are keeping her safe thru this.
Today we all went to ToysRUs to look for Christmas presents, all seven of us. I asked my husband if he wanted her in her own cart, or the cart with her 2yr old sister. He wanted to try something new, and see if she would run away from him. Surprisingly, she stayed with us the whole time. Fancy that! I thought maybe something has helped, maybe she's figuring things out, etc. Good times.
As we were leaving the store, I took her to the bathroom. We were in the same stall so I could watch her as we took turns using the facilities. She went first. When I went to the bathroom, I caught her from making a break when she opened the stall. This is of course as my pants are down.
We then left the bathroom (next to the entrance/exit), where she immediately ran away from me. It took less than one second. Fortunately, she tried to run out the "entrance", so the doors wouldn't open for her. Thank God no one walked "in" the entrance at that time, so she was just standing at a shut door. I yelled her name as she ran away from me, and yelled her name as she stood at the entrance. She just scares me to death. There is a very busy parking lot right in front of the store. She could have been killed running out there if the door was open.
So I politely took her hand saying nothing, left the entrance, and went for the exit. Back in the car we had a chat with my husband. I asked her why she runs away from me. She said "I don't know". I asked her why she stays with my husband. She said "because I want to". I thought I need to come here and ask for advice on this.
I just took a much needed nap, since my husband is off work today. While I was sleeping, my husband went over the same information with her that I have conveyed. This time he told her that she will have to wear a leash if she runs away again. She wasn't too happy about that prospect.
Any thoughts on the "why" behind this behavior, and any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Another tidbit: she has told us she doesn't want to live with us because she wants to live with a bio relative (extended family member). That person, plus bio parents have lost custody of her (for countless reasons of horror), and there are restraining orders against these individuals. Not to mention, the whole entire set of extended family members each and all applied to adopt the girls. They were all denied.
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A couple of questions come to mind: how long has she been in your home? Were you foster parents to her and for how long? Does she seem to reject you in other ways? I am wondering if this is an attachment issue? I don't have any experience in older child adoption but I think it's great that you are having counselling.
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Does she have contact at all with the bio-family? they could be putting ideas into her head. That was an issue we were havinng with our dd we adopted 8/07, so many issues, and we had no idea why, then I picked up the phone during one the "planned" calls and listened, horrified at what I heard them telling her to be "doing and saying and telling her that I didn't love her as much as the others". When she was with Bio- family, possibly dad mistreated mom, and she has learned some of the disrespect?
Could also be an attachment issue, or if she had issues with
mom-She's been in our home since August. Adopted 9/07. We were never foster parents. It was an adoption placement.
As far as rejecting me, that's a good question. She hasn't been rejecting me, but she does seem to prefer Daddy to mommy.
She has come from bio family and foster families where she never had a positive connection/rolemodel/parent. Not even with the women. Actually, most were abusive. I'm the first female relation she's had in a safe place. Her last foster home was a wonderful family (the 5th foster home), but our daughter made no attempts to connect with the foster mom, and our daughter rejected her. Our girls lived in the last foster home for 9+ months.
The counselor and SW's say she doesn't have RAD, but certainly needs to work on attachment.
We discuss feelings alot, and I hold her everyday, trying to make as much eye contact as possible. We do alot of arts and crafts. We were baking daily, but she won't keep her hands out of her pants. Our doctor last week, said she can get e-Coli from this, and we can too. So we've had to back out of one of our favorite activities together, while she works on "keeping her hands clean", as we call it. Ahem. She's really pissed off about all that.
kitty-there is no contact with bio family. She last saw bio mom in May I think. She last saw her dad over a year ago. She last saw the other extended relative that she lived with as a foster placement, over a year ago. I'll try to get to some discussion with her about what all they said about living with them and others. Could really help. When she lived with bio family, bio dad was entirely disrespectful & abusive to bio mom. That much I do know. ;o(
Esther,
Sounds like you could be dealing with a "learned" behavior issue, where she has "learned" from others what she suppose to do and act by watching, our DD, has issues like that also, only its towards men and older adults, her Gma was very negitive and still is towards Gpa and others, so we have to listen to everything she says to DD, so we can correct DD, ASAP, might be what you will have to start doing. Correct DD, right away, after each incident. How is she at home? Or is it just in public?
The leash is also a good idea, to try and get her to understand, that you will always be there and love her and care for her.
my DH, has to daily talk with DD about how much he cares for her and will always be there for her, she has gotten much better, but its a daily thing!
Don't give up, just keep re-inforcing her, sounds to me like your doing a great job already with her!!!!
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