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this post is mainly for birthmothers who have also raised children....
as i have worked through my "birthmother issues" over the last several years.... i have become really aware of how deeply placing my first daughter affected how i raised the subsequent three....
an adoptive mother posted something about how she was loving her daughter like she was losing her... i think they called it "anticipatory grief"...
anyhow... that struck a chord with me... i've raised my three girls in the shadow of anticipatory grief... i'm sure of it....
I have pushed myself to be the best mom... do everything "perfect"... prove to the world that I am capable of mothering...
i've always been completely freaked out by any sign of distress in my kids... they have all been to the ER for minor bumps and scrapes... i think i've actually taken two of them at different times for sleeping too much....
I think i've lived with a really intense fear of losing them... the whole time I've had them....
honestly, some of this is probably a really good thing... I think my kids have benefitted alot from all the books I have read.. and classes I have taken... I don't think i was well prepared to parent, and i think i've been able to learn a lot of healthy stuff....
also... they do have GREAT lives... their bedrooms are always absolutely adorable.... they have my attention almost any time they want it... i volunteer in their classrooms... we do super duper fun things all the time... from vacations to day trips....
and I think all of that comes from having relinquished... and being completely focused on that never happening again...
and now... here is the crux of this post... my oldest (kept) daughter has recently become the proud new mama of a baby kitten... as she is 17, we agreed to this kitty if she took 100% care of.... both physically and financially...
we adopted this kitty from the infirmary at the humane society... so she has had some health issues... and alot of trips to the vet...
as my daughter has been doing most of this... she has been experiencing alot of the same anxiety and fears in regards to her "baby"... that she has observed in me all these years... I had once shared with her my thoughts about "anticipatory grief"... and I have shared alot with her about the whole birthmother thing... and after one particularly difficult vet experience, she came home and told me "In my psychology class (college level) we learned that children sense their parents fears and have the same ones." (Or something like that.)
she went on to say, that she thinks she is experiencing anticipatory grief with her kitten.... the same panic, fear, and protectiveness she has seen in me..
of course, a kitten is not a baby.... but i have always thought that my reaction and subsequent parenting choices were simply my own... that my daughters would eventually grow up and have their own children, and not experience the same type of fears that I had, because they would not have placed a baby for adoption....
and now I am wondering, if that is just not true.. that simply because they grew up with me "on edge"... being too protective..... too fearful of losing them... if they are going to absorb that and it will become a part of their parenting...
have any of you experienced parenting choices that you attribute to relinquishing.... and now see your grown children making similar parenting decisions?????
j
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kakuehl
Jackie and Janny, thank you both for sharing. I pray for you both to experience Shalom (God's peace that is wholeness and completeness.)
Kathy.. I look for Gods peace in my daily life..
and I am grateful for my life.. all of it..
Janny one day at a time.. one minute at a time..
I will read your journal.. and be happy with you..
The wind is blowing here.. and the freeze is coming.. no trees down on the property tho.. I worry about the birds.. we saw two robins yesterday and I am amazed they have come north so soon..
I am near Kingston Ontario..
Jackie
I finally found my way back for the first time in many months. Tonite I am reading about Janny's journal and in her note below - the word VULNERABLE stands out.
I'm sorry to report that I have not been keeping up with the list mail and I don't know where most of your 'are' at this moment. Tonite I have been trying to catch up and finally I found some familiar names.
Maybe some of you remember me - you were so helpful when I rejoined (again) the last time. My reunion has come about in some remarkable ways I feel. A brief refresher - I relinquished parental rights to my daughter at birth HAD TO, no other choice available - she was adopted at a just a few weeks old...closed adoption - and within the past 7 months we have been reunited. She searched for me - for 2 plus year. After more than 40 years with absolutely no contact at all - we are now communicating thru daily emails and regular phone calls. A MIRACLE - no other word for it in my mind. Of course all of this is so much to take in for both of us - there is no learner's manual that I know of on how to become a mother again ( to an adult over the age of 40) - but we are working together on it..thank God. I have many questions and issues that I would like to present to the friends on this forum who have been thru similar situations. I know it is different for each of us but the comradarie is what gave me the strength to face this months ago - I admit - I was petrified and so very very confused as to what the right thing was to do. There are still unanswered questions - but for the most part things are going well.
Jannyroo-I am very interested in reading your Journal you mentioned..last I was reading you were going thru some very difficult and emotional times..I am relieved to hear that things are better for you now. Is your Journal on this Board? How do I get to it? I am sort of confused about what the Adoption Blog Site is all about..actually THAT is how I found my way back here tonite - had to join or rejoin but at least I know that you all are here with me again.
Stay well - stay strong !! You really are a great group to be associated with...like no other.
PEACE & :loveyou:
Jannyroo
Thanks Kathy, peace has certainly arrived, big time, I can't put it into words again, as I'm drained after writing it on my journal, but breakthrough and emotionally satisfying... I've written to the best of my ability on [URL="http://journals.adoption.com/?do=showjournal&j=771&page=23&pp=5"]http://journals.adoption.com/?do=showjournal&j=771&page=23&pp=5[/URL] but I'm amazed at the outcome. Peace? Yeh, at last. Thanks Kathy (((Hugs))) thanks Jackiejdajda too (((hugs))); I'm just overcome with emotion at the minute and feeling vulnerable too. Janny
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well.. i am throwing caution to the wind... i have (at least for now) decided to just post when i feel like posting...
and right now... i am wondering how many of us are completely obnoxious mothers.... i don't necessarily think you have to be a first mother to be obnoxious about your kids.... but I, for one ... am totally obnoxious...
the other day, my number two learned how to RIDE HER BIKE! yippee....
this is a really big deal... she is almost 8.... and all three of my girls TIR* have been totally wimpy about riding a bike... and neither myself nor my husband are good at teaching them...
i totally baby my kids... so when i am teaching them to ride the bike, and they stub their toe... and they cry.. and they want to quit.. . i let them...
but not Saturday.... I looked at pumpkin and said "YOU are learning to ride this bike"
and with a good amount tears.... and determination on both our parts... she learned to ride....
and of course, i videotaped her efforts... made an absolutely adorable movie and emailed it to my family....
how obnoxious... fortunately, my family tolerates and kind of encourages my obnoxiousness...
i have THOUSANDS of pictures.... HOURS of video tape... of my babies... my friend once accused me of being like her husband... she claimed that the two of us have so much film and pics of our kids that they would have to spend the rest of their lives watching it to view it all... i think she was exaggerating a little...
however... i am wondering if any of you are as obnoxious as i am??
oh... and if any of you want to see my really cute video of pumpkin riding her bike, pm me and i will send you the link...
julie
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Well, I see the effects of my reliquishment of parental right to my now boys and well I am very protective. I am also very aware of how us as parents effect our childrens future. I feel like I try very hard to be a perfect mother when there is no such thing. I can't be a wonderwoman but I still catch myself trying all the time. I do contibute it to having to give my son up for adoption many years ago. I do contibute a lot of things to it too. I can't change the past but I can do my best for the future that is for sure.
I have been living in a hole lately with the rejection from my son and I really don't know how this will heal if it will ever. I do know that I have been pouring myself into my 2 boys and hubby. So I sit here as I read all these posts (most of the time crying) thinking is it because of my hurt and empty heartness that I am so protective over my family......YES! It is a fear of loosing something that means so much. I feel like I have so many feelings that I need to learn to get out...I have tried blogs but not going to good....I am praying for time....
hello all... i couldn't decide where to post my thoughts... but i think they fall under this old thread....
my daughter is graduation from high school... i have been doing great with this... i'm extraordinarily proud of her... and i am busy with the three little ones... and a cross country move.. (again!)... and I've been thinking that I am looking forward to this next stage of life...
and then... yesterday, i went to buy her a graduation gift... it was a luggage set... the nice sales lady asked me if I was going on vacation... and as I explained to her, that our daughter is graduating from high school... and our gift to her is a 4 week mission trip to Ethiopia... and this luggage is part of her gift...
yup... got all choked up... left the store in tears.
went on to buy more decorations for her graduation lunch... cried some more...
there isn't anything sad about this... i am so proud of her.. and her accomplishments... her future is so very bright... how many kids ask for a mission trip the summer between high school and college??? and she's picked out a Christian college...!!
i think it's simply a change of seasons... and i do not do well with that...
it is hard to move to a different season of life... my daughter is moving into adulthood... transitioning into her own life... i'm not going to be her sun anymore... she is going to become the sun in her own universe....
i know I have about 4 or 5 years until the transition is complete... but it seems so short.... it seems like in such a short time, our relationship will evolve into something totally different...
i'm not afraid of that... i embrace the change... i look forward to being "friends" instead of parent/child...
and honestly, i think i'm doing a pretty good job and not holding on too tightly... i think i've processed so much here... that i can let her fly...
actually... i think i'm okay... i think i'm having a normal "mom" reaction to the first birdy getting ready to leave the nest....
whew.... what a long journey....
on a side note, i got a call last week from a casting director... my little 8 year old was picked out of hundreds of kids for a non-speaking role in a feature film being shot here in new mexico... we are going off to "wardrobe" this afternoon for her fitting... since this is a "role" she may even get her name in the credits...
she was really cute... and excited! then she looks at me and asks "Can I go SEE this movie when it's done?"
i started laughing.... "well, no! You can't!" but we promised her we would buy the DVD so she could see her part!
julie
You have such a full life.. Julie..
My son is working on a production of a film about Amelia Earhart. He is coming here today and will tell us about what is happening on the film set..
I can not imagine having a daughter going to Ethiopia..
What she is going to experience over there has got to be something else..
Jackie
Julie,
I know exactly how you feel. My son is graduating this year too. He will be off to college in the fall to study music production. I have had two others grow up and leave home, but there is something about letting him go that pulls on my heart strings. I love all my children, young and old, but my son is my soul, unlike my older daughters, he was different somehow. Our relationship was different, and I feel a deep sadness that I soon will not be able to see him coming down the stairs in the morning. I have pushed the thoughts of him leaving to the back of my mind, somewhere that I don't think about them everyday, but I know that soon I will have to face them. I want him to grow, and see the world, and to have every opportunity, he has quite a talent, and I know he will go far with it. Still, I will miss him. I will not let him see how sad I am, because I do not ever want to be the reason that he held back. Sometimes we just have to have faith. Faith that we taught them well, faith that they will be safe. Faith that nomatter how far away that they are, they will always be close in our hearts. Some days, it's not so easy to be a mom.
Hang in there.
Colleen
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My daughter left to go back to the big city (son decided to not come out for the long weekend).. Hubby and I are alone again.. I can sit on here and message to my hearts content (don't have to make breakfast lunch and dinner sort of).. and then I can do what I want to do..
I kind of like that.. so this time of my life is a good time..
When the kids were growing that was a good time as well..
Jackie
Jannyroo
Hi Jackie, its interesting seeing your take on the Dr's words, 'cos I read "chameleon' for patterning, and as I understand it most adoptees if not all, do this all their lives, patterning themselves like a chameleon keeps changing colour to blend in all the different environments they find themselves in at home to make sure it never becomes a place of insecurity - although they are constantly facing an undefinable- before- consciousness experience of abandonment that they fear could happen again, if we are in agreement of The Primal Wound, and I do accept that as having wounded my son to the core.