Cold feet

How long have you known the children? And how long have you been doing the visits? The transition takes awhile to adjust to and you not only have their adjustment and yours, but the sibling adjustment too. There ARE going to be control battles amongst them and it's not necessarily something that will be adjusted to quickly. Since this is an older child adoption, do you have support with the placement worker or caseworker of your own? Bring up some of your thoughts and concerns and for suggestions for the transition. Cold feet is normal, but if you have something in your gut that isn't sitting right that points to more than just cold feet, be honest with yourself on that. It's far better to stop the process in the beginning rather than later, imo. So what kind of concerns are you having? "normal" adjustment concerns or is there something else?

in my experience i always have some doubt, etc after making a big decision. could it be that? sort of like "buyers remorse"? we had those sorts of doubts, questions, etc when we made the decision to adopt. we have gone ahead with it and all is well here. not saying that is what you need to do, just wanted you to know that we had the same experience. still do wonder at times on those really hard RAD days, but that is becoming less and less of an occurance.

We met them in early Nov. We met them one day and then we have been with them 3 weekends and a 4 day long weekend. This weekend was the first time they were here alone with us overnights. I believe the feeling is coming from the fear of this child being just like the one we adopted before. It is in my gut and I can't get peace. I have been praying and the feeling keeps getting stronger. Mostly after talking to our children and having their opinions be quite the same. It bugs me that the fmom already tried telling the sw that the oldest should not be placed with siblings but she would not listen. This fmom has had them for 4 years! She should know! Why is the system so resistant to listening to foster parents?

If your gut is telling you this is a bad mix for your family, my advice is to listen to it. It sounds like the SWer is minimizing the foster moms concerns about the oldest and he may need more then you are ready to deal with. One child can turn an entire family upside down. Be honest with the worker. If the 4 year old has only been in one fosterhome for 4 years and never lived with her siblings, in my opinion, she needs to stay where she is unless fostermom doesn't want her. And if fmom fights the placement with you, she likely will win.

I called my sw and told her of our feelings and she is calling their worker to tell her. Lucyjoy we think the same thing about the fmother keeping the youngest and she does want to. But we were not told that until we were well into this. we fet lied to. I feel really numb right now. I am sure my husband will want to throw in the towel on ever adopting again.

I think "crick" is right, that if something truly does not feel right, if you have concerns about the 13 year old and what he might do to your family (and at this point he is still honeymooning), then you need to voice your concerns to the worker and really search yourselves. I also think that no one knows better than a foster parent (in most cases) and that workers DO tend to discount much of what we say as foster parents. Can you ask to have contact with this child's teachers? I've gotten some pretty good indications about older children when speaking with teachers. Find out as much as you can and do not be afraid to ask to speak more directly with the foster mother and others who know the child. Is he in counseling? Will the agency put you in touch with his counselors? I would think that could also tell you much, depending on the counselor and whether this young man is snowballing the counselor (imagine that!). Best wishes, honey. I know that sick to my stomach feeling when something doesn't feel right. And as much as you want what's best for these children, nothing matters as much as the family you currently have in your home. I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.