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So I am having issues that are causing me to pull back from my son and his adoptive family. I hate that I am doing this but I am at a point where I can't deal with his mom hardly at all.
When I call or she calls (which hasn't been often lately) all I hear about is her job and how much she has to work and how tired she is and how she doesn't feel like she has bonded with my son and she has so little patience for him and on and on. I have spent the last 3.5 years telling her she is a great mom and I know she loves him and I'm happy I chose her to be his mom since I couldn't.
She is upset because my parents (also adoptive parents) aren't HUGE on this open adoption thing, they just don't get it, because it isn't their experience. I've tried to explain that, but she thinks it is because they don't accept kiddo as their grandson and that they don't like him. How can you not like a little kid for goodness sake?
I mention the good things that are happening to me and it is almost like she is jealous. I have a career that is advancing, I have a lovely boyfriend that I hope to spend the rest of my life with and maybe even have babies with, I just bought a place of my own. I've come so far since I had kiddo.
I don't know what to do because I feel as though she is a negative person. I want to talk to her but I can't be the one to keep telling her what a great mom she is and on and on. I don't share my pain about the adoption with her, it isn't hers to bear, but man doesn't she see that this hurts me too? I can't hear that she isn't bonded with my kiddo, I want him to have a mom that thinks he is everything.
I just need some reassurance that she will come around or something. This is just so confusing and painful and I just want to be there for my kiddo, but I pull back because of her.
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I've tried to get her to email with me because I am just more comfortable with email in general, she refuses. I hate the phone with a passion, always have, always will I think.
I wish I could say that these comments are new, but they have been going on since I placed kiddo. At first I did the whole you're his mom, I chose you and you're great thing because I knew she needed to hear that. It has been SO long though. My social worker and I have both addressed my concerns to her, and she doesn't get it.
I keep in contact because of kiddo, but it is getting harder and harder.
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Is she hinting that she wants help from you by taking him for periods of time? Does she regret becoming a mom, or is it more that she "has" to work and lots of hours? (my SIL has always been like this about working and she has 2 bios)She never stops griping and I dread phone calls with her.
... I just wonder... does "kiddo" seem bonded to amom? Do you think he is picking up on her lack of patience with him? I've heard how you feel, and apparently how amom feels, but how is your child doing in this relationship? As a parent, I understand the lack of patience part. But, lack of bonding after so many years? I find that extremely concerning. How can a child not pick up on that? How can that be healthy for him?I'm not a psychologist, but I'd have to question what is behind her telling you repeatedly that she is not bonding with your son. I'd take that as a warning flag. Just my opinion, however.Peace,Susan
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Belle, I am sorry that you have to deal with this. It may be a "testament" to you that your son's a mom feels "free" to tell you the problems she is having. But then again, like with any friend, you really can't be her "counselor." I hope that the SW is able to get through to her. Believe me, there are days I don't feel like I have a lot of patience with DD (yesterday was one of them!), but I would never say I wasn't bonded to her. That's really sad to me. It must be hard for you too if you are worried about your son.
belleinblue1978
I used an agency that provides free lifetime counseling for all sides of the triad. Counseling has been suggested because both the social worker and I suspect that she has clinical depression, but you can't make someone get help.
I wish the SW would have. I confound everyone at the agency because of my views and attitudes so they don't know how to deal with me because I refuse to keep telling kiddo's mom what a great mom she is and that she is his only mom blah blah. She is a great mom but his only mom? Only mom maybe, but he has me in his life too and I'm pretty sure that I'm a mother to him in that I gave him life.
Sigh this just makes me so sad.
I forgot to add... I so understand the patience thing, I've worked with kids all my life. I work with adjudicated youth now, talk about needing patience. But I still hate hearing that she doesn't have patience for him every time we talk. It almost makes me feel like she thinks he is a bad kid or something, man he is only 3.5.
My mom always tells me to be nice because she always felt like my first mom was watching her over her shoulder so think how kiddo's mom feels. Well darn it, I have and I am nice, but what bout how I feel?
Ok, this has turned into whining, so I'll stop. Thanks for your advice and understanding everyone!
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Oh my- amom sounds like my aunt. Really- she's fine, and everything is good. She just needs the attention. Will do and say just about anything for attention purposes. Wants everyone to be talking about her.It sounds like this a possibility. I know it's easier said than done. But- Can you tell her how you feel? Can you tell her that it hurts you hear she is not bonded with your son? Maybe for some odd reason she is telling you, what she thinks YOU want to hear. I've witnessed it time and time again.
If she isnt bonded and no happy with the arrangments and now that you are in a different stage of your life can you not dissolve the adoption if she were in agreement and get him back ?
It is not healthy for any of you (i mean so much more LESS Healthy than normal adoption)
You do not need to be hearing this it is extremely unfair on you
If she had depression is that grounds to get him back ?
Maybe she doesnt want to email cause that would be proof ?
I have no idea whether any of this is plausible but This sounds so very wrong
Can you get him back by law in any way ?
I am so sad for you ((Hugs))
I don't have any words of wisdom for you. But I wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. This must be incredibly difficult for you.
Is it possible that your son's amom suffers from chronic depression? Some of her behavior sounds like she might have a low-level, ongoing depression. I'm wondering if maybe she might get some relief with a low dose of antidepressants. Just a thought...
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Pink,
Getting him back isn't an option. The adoption is legal and binding and I wouldn't want to take him from the only parents he has known. Her depression isn't grounds for dissolving the adoption, people that give birth get depressed too and we don't swoop and remove their kids.
I do like her, don't get me wrong, when she is in a good mood she is fun and I love to see her laugh and tell cute stories about kiddo.
I wish she could find someone to help her build her confidence in parenting that isn't me.
That would help the relationship tons.