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I am wondering if anyone has any advice on contacting a birth sibling whom I am pretty sure has no idea I exist. There are so many things to think about and consequences to consider... First of all, I found birthmom about nine years ago and she was NOT happy about it... my very supportive amom called and left a message, and one of birthmom's 8 siblings (and the only one who knew about me) called back. They briefly exchanged facts and confirmed that she was indeed bmom. She agreed to answer any questions if I wrote her a letter, however, she was not too pleased. She just couldn't get over how on earth she could be found... like she never thought a thing like that could POSSIBLY happen! At the time I asked about siblings and bf, however she ignored those questions, telling me she would contact bf possibly, but didn't feel comfortable giving out his info. Needless to say I have never heard from her after that and I felt okay with that. However over the last nine years, my core afamily has kind of fallen to pieces and I have often felt a need to find a connection with someone on a family level. I did one of those free people finder things using bmother's name and came up with a daughter, who is 27 (5 years younger than me) and lives out of state away from birthmom. She is an only child. Well, thinking that many, if not most people I know under 30 have myspace, I looked her up, and low and behold a picture and everything. My question is, after all that blah blah blahing... where do I go from here? I have asked friends and family and they all have various answers. I don't want to totally redefine who she is, no longer an only child; I also don't want to demolish her relationship with birthmom all because I am feeling a little lost right now... I know that in contacting her, I would be making sure that I never had a relationship with birthmom, but after 9 years of no contact... I guess that is not a big issue. Part of me wants to contact birthmom and give her a warning, "Hey, I am doing this... but giving you a heads up if you want to talk to sis first". I am torn. But at the same time if birthmom is really dead set on any contact with me, she may take the opportunity to poison BSis's mind against me... now I may just be being dramatic. Also, if I do contact BS, what to say... I really don't want to just drop her a note on MYSPACE... although the thought has crossed my mind to do that, not fully disclosing my reasons for contact! Anyway, ANY AND ALL feedback would be GREATLY appreciated!
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[QUOTE=alynp] Also, you wouldn't change his family history - it has already happened - you would bring awareness of his history into his life. Perhaps he has always known something was off with his parents but couldn't figure it out.[QUOTE] Thank you Alynp for your points of view!! We are talking about grown adult bsiblings.. They certainly have the right to know, and choose with whom they have a relationship with.. It would be entirely different if we were talking about a young child, incapable of processing the situation. In my own situation, I was a complete secret to my bsiblings on my bmother's side. My bsister has let me know she would like to get to know me, when it is a good time for her. Again, I completely respect her decision, and am patient and hopeful she chooses to proceed with getting to know me. I also respect her time with processing all of this. On my b-father's side, I had 5 bsiblings that couldn't wait to get to know me. What an amazing feeling. I am just so grateful to know their are similar situations out there with adoptees feeling similar un-explored, mixed emotions. Thank you to all that contribute.. Good luck, and please keep us updated with the progress!! Jennifer
bprice215
Alynp said it best for me in all her response. I was going to respond but after reading Alynp post, why should I. Best of luck in whatever you decide. bprice215
Alynp, It isn't contacting the adult that is disrespectful to me. The OP stated that she wanted to make contact with a birth sibling who she is pretty sure doesn't know she exists so my advice was that she send another letter/email to her birth mom letting her know that she intends to make contact with this sibling thus giving birth mom the chance to tell her child about her placed child, to me this is the respectful thing to do, not only to birth mom but to the sibling. For me, if my birth son contacted my children before I had told them, I would be hurt. Yes, maybe they should have already known about him, however, no one knows the circumstances around the reasons of them not knowing so a quick note to give her the chance to tell on her own is respectful, IMO. Now, if birth mom still chooses to stick her head in the sand, then by all means I believe the adoptee should go ahead and make contact.
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Mommy24
thus giving birth mom the chance to tell her child about her placed child
I am a bmom and I think that if the children are adults that it is ok to contact them. You are not responsible for anyone else's behavior, just be respectful and I would send a letter, she could open her email anywhere, which could make it difficult for her. I also disagree with the golden rule. As I have gotten older realized that the Platinum rule is the one to live by " Treat people not how you want to be treated, but how they want to be treated" Could be very different for every person. Just MHO.
Okay ... so I think you all are right, that if I let my bmom know my intentions, give her time to process my request, and then follow through, that that would be the ethical, responsible thing to do. And I can do that, I have her contact information. However, I can't find my bbrother. I mean, I have his birth record data, both birth parents listed, same as mine, and know he exists and all. I just can't find him. What do I do? If I tell her my intentions and she is not supportive, it is not like she'll forward me his contact information? Also, he has some medical issues. Apparently my bmom feels it is a lot to deal with without adding me to the mix. Personally, I don't liken knowing me to medical affliction, but I am sure that is not what she meant by it either. Should I wait, assuming she knows what his motives might be in such a situation? When is the right time to let someone know they have a sister they never heard of? Isn't waiting longer just going to make it harder? I know that was a lot of questions...please do not feel inclined to answer them all. If you can answer any of them you have outdone me. It just helps to put this out in the open, where others might look at it objectively, if that makes sense. Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement.
sstuart
I also disagree with the golden rule. As I have gotten older realized that the Platinum rule is the one to live by " Treat people not how you want to be treated, but how they want to be treated" Could be very different for every person. Just MHO.
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I contacted my half brother who never knew I existed and it went extremely well. It depends on the individual. Just come right out and say it. There is no easing into news like that. My brother was shocked, then after being convinced, he said he always wanted a brother. (3 sisters) I will be visiting them for the first time this June. I am so excited I can barely contain myself.
I like the idea of contacting the aunt to let her know this is going to happen. What jumped out at me though and what I reacted to the most is the fact that bmother thinks she has no responsbility to tell the bchild who the birth father is. I have seen this often and I just shake my head. People talk about respect...they are coming from the place of the people that created this person and not the person that was created. Birthmothers SHOULD NOT be able to hold on to information about the adopted adults biofather. It is disrespectful and controling. One of the tasks(for lack of a better word) for many adoptees is finding out about their biology....ALL OF IT...thats includes birthfather. Not necessarily for a realtionship but for the information that the birthfather holds about themselves(and their children).
You have every right to meet your bsister, I have extremely enjoyed meeting mine! You didn't ask to be put in the situation you are in, your bmom put you there. It's about time she learned there are consequences to her actions. Be open and honest with your sister and let her take the lead, don't be overbearing. Good luck with your touchy situation! Sisters ARE awesome! I always wanted a baby sister and didn't even know I had one until 3 yrs ago when we met.
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As a bio sister of an Adoptee that we have not found yet, we would be excited to hear from a relitive who was adopted even if our mother does not agree. My sister and I found out four years ago that we have a 100% bio sister that was adopted before my parents got married. I am now 39 and all I can think of is the time lost that we could have been searching. Good Luck! Donna
I think that all of us adoptees get hung up by the secrecy which surrounds our birth/relinquishment and then that leads to us feeling that we cannot claim what is ours by birthright. I contacted my 3 brothers (who didn't know that I existed) and while they were angry at our father who didn't tell them about me before he died, they were thrilled by finding a sister. The connection I have with my brothers is unbelievable and until you have it, you don't know what you've missed. You are entitled to relationships with your family. When you bparents signed your adoption papers, they only signed away their parental rights, not your rights to your roots. Be brave. Knowing is better than not knowing. And besides, you have been on hold for 9 years and it's time to take matters into your own hands.