When is it morally OK to limit contact or close an adoption?

That is when I would find it morally and ethically acceptable to limit or cut off contact. If I was in fear for the safety of any member of my family, I would run - not walk - away. When my daughter was assaulted in school last year, we "over-reacted" in some people's opinions by withdrawing the girls from school. But the school was unable and/or unwilling to provide the very safety features they suggested. My question is: would you allow members of your extended family or close friends to have access to you and your children if they were behaving in the same manner. If you're only allowing continued contact because you feel you "should" and would not allow the same kind of contact from anyone other than your child's biological family - in my opinion, it's time to cut your losses.

In some states, there are repercussions, I believe they are mostly financial and would result in enforcement of the agreement or at a minimum modification BUT you want to check with your own state laws. PLEASE believe, I am not trying to "blast" you but I am having a hard time understanding what has changed? Did you know he was a sex offender when you adopted? You really can't control (for lack of better word) who she has contact with. Yes, he said some things but I think a lot of people in his situation probably "mouth off" - especially if he was trying to hang on to the bmom emotionally. I actually feel sorry for her a bit. As far as the pictures, she probably got the message not to post them anymore. If your OA was with her only, bdad has not right to contact so you have other legal avenue to pursue if he initiates... JMO but with the info you gave, I'm not sure why you are at the point of closing the adoption...

(((HUGS))) The only person that can answer that is you. If you feel at this point you have no other choice, then do it. Just because you agreed for contact does not mean you have to live a life of fear. Sorry, but that is not part of the deal. I have heard you talk before, I know you have worked very hard on this...good luck!! ****more hugs****

My take is different, because I read this question as a two-parter. I think that limiting contact should be the first step and closing an adoption should be an absolute last resort. But it's hard to really give hard rules as to when it's OK or not, because relationships are subjective, and honestly, modifications to relationships should be dealt with on a case by case basis. For example, I would say to limit contact when a boundary is repeatedly crossed, but what if the boundary is vague? I would say close the adoption if there is an explicit and direct threat against your family, but some people are threatened by implications and not necessarily actions or words, so how do you apply that across the board? Far be it for me to tell someone how to feel, but in the end, the person you will ultimately have to justify yourself to is not the b-mom, or anyone else for that matter, it's your child. For me, that would be reason enough to do whatever I could do to salvage a relationship, even if it had to be limited for a while. But unless she continued to disrespect my wishes reagrding posting pictures, I don't think that would drive me to close an adoption. As far as the birthfather, chances are if he is released, part of his parole will be that he can't have any contact with children. If he can't have contact or be around your child, I can't see how it could affect the adoption enough to close it to the child's b-mom, just because she chooses to have a relationship with him. But that's just how I would feel. The inconsistancy I 'd have a problem with tho. That would make me limit contact to avoid disappointing the child. I think in our hearts we always know what is morally right. (((HUGS))) I wish you a lot of luck, its a tough decision to make!

I think right now you can limit it and just tell her these are the reasons why and just list them. She has to show you that she is taking this relationship seriously and from what I am reading she isn't. I think I would first let her know that because of these things (especially with the bdad) that you have to step back. That is my opinion. It is a hard one to make. But at the end of the day you have to be able to follow it up. (((HUGS)))

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Honestly, I don't know if I would even want to send pix that may get in the hand of a convicted sex offender (even if he IS the birth dad). I also would NEVER agree to meet with him. I think it IS time to send a letter explaining what you want to do and why. Maybe she will agree that is "best" (at least for now)? Hang in there....This is tough.

My first question would be is your open adoption legalized through the courts? If it is I would consult with a lawyer to find out what can happen if you close the adoption. Moving on though you need to look out for your child and I think by sepaking to your bmom about your concerns in the best bet. I would never let my child met his bdad if he was a sex offender. Though the bmom may think that it harsh in most cases when he gets out of jail he will not be able to have contact with children anyway. So you need to let her know she can have contact but the bdad is not to be a part of childs life. I know it will be a hard thing to talk about, but just stress that you are looking our for child's best interest. I wish you all the luck in the world but make sure you get advice either from a lawyer or your adoption agency so you know where your rights stand!

Since people moral standards differ I say to you MOM you are responsible for your childs well being, if mom is not making good choices for herself how can she or will she make them for your child? look @ it this way if your husband or partner were making the same choice example to knowingly associate if child sex offenders would you be willing to subject your child to him/her? even if you have a legal document for contact id just go back to court/ mediater and state that bmom is "waiting for" bio dad to come home to resume a relationship with him and I dont think that it is in the best interest of my child to be around or to have contact with her @ this point. as far as the pics on myspace if she did that who knows where else your families pics have ended up whose to say bdad isnt recieving those same pics in jail?. for me the moment I began to feel unsafe would also be the moment i would do something to close the adoption and I would be responsible for telling my child why i felt it necessary to do so honestly. I would not hinder it on what my child may think later about me closing it. My first thought would be what if I didn't close it and harm came to my family, id then have a tougher time explaining how or why i was unable to protect my child. id feel much better explaining closing it then explaining why i didnt protect her if i knew the info before hand.I say if you feel for whatever reason the relationship has the potential for danger then CLOSE it even if you revisit opening it at a later time if mom cant make good choices for herself she definately cant make them for YOUR child it is YOUR job to PROTECT your child.

I guess I would ask myself---what do the children get from this relationship with the bmom? If they don't get anything but fear or trauma, then heck no, I wouldn't continue it. But if they get something positive, I'd do my best to make that part bloom and use the negatives as an opportunity to teach them about choices and consequences. I certainly wouldn't advocate putting your kids or your family at risk, and yeah, I think you close it when that risk is real to you. (Whatever we say really does not count here---we're only getting the snapshot you give us.) But, having said that, and just based on what you've said here, I think I'd consider limiting contact rather than closing right now. I do think it's your responsibility as the parent here to set some crystal clear boundaries for bmom about photos, disclosure of information and visits. Now seems like a good time to either set them if they haven't been already, or reinforce them if something's changed (e.g. release from prison.) Good luck---that's a tough decision.

He is currently in jail...for the conception of my son as he was 22 and she was 13 at the time. He had been convicted of molesting / raping young children both male and female. He is listed as level 3...unable to be reahbilitated. At the time of placement & adoption b-mom stated she had no intention of a relationship with him although police reports indicate that he promised to reunite with her when he was released. One of the posts on her myspace page from him reads "thank-you for sticking by me thru all this BS" and "[FONT='Times New Roman'][FONT=Verdana]I love you more baby girl! and i love our baby no matter where he is! hugs and kisses i miss you i want you here with me forever and always *tears* love you baby"[/FONT][/FONT][FONT='Times New Roman'][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT='Times New Roman'][FONT=Verdana]His rights were terminated and his family was never even considered for placement because the knowingly allowed him contact with little ones. What to do? I contacted our licensor and she said we would be just in limiting contact...as that is how our agreement was written.[/FONT][/FONT]

If b-mom is maintaining contact with the man that raped her I would limit contact & phase it out-she is not well & it's not your problem. If the open adoption was a legal document I'd visit a lawyer. I understand the obligation & committment to bio mom she created your baby & made you a mom-I've struggled with it myself. Good luck - your first priority is to keep your child safe -your 2nd is to you & your sanity & thirdly bio mom.

He is currently in jail...for the conception of my son as he was 22 and she was 13 at the time. He had been convicted of molesting / raping young children both male and female. He is listed as level 3...unable to be rehabilitated. At the time of placement & adoption b-mom stated she had no intention of a relationship with him although police reports indicate that he promised to reunite with her when he was released. Sorry - I didn't know the history when I originally posted - I should have read more. If she is having a relationship with this.... person... I believe I would limit contact for now with a letter explaining why. I pray she is getting counseling (or will someday be open to it). She is so young! And finally, (am getting angry for you now), WHY, WHY, WHY is he allowed access to her MySpace page (or any MySpace page for that matter). This HAS to be a violation of something... Boy oh boy!! I can understand why you wouldn't want to anger him but I think that alone may keep in jail for a few more months - or no parole - or something. Where are her parents in all this?? I am SO sorry you are dealing with this...

She is in foster care right now...she is 17 and will be 18 in Sept. Bear and her were placed together and her mother...who ran a meth lab in the home with b-mom and Bear...told her she would never be allowed to come home unless she brought the baby with her. I think b-mom wanted the open adoption in hopes that it would be a happy medium and her mother would allow her to come back. Her mother has since met a very nice guy...one of those where you wonder why he is even with her...and dumped the drugs herself. BUT, this guy wants nothing to do with the way b-mom is continuing to live (drugs, etc.) so she is still not allowed to come home. Gma has also stopped contacting us for anything as well. No idea of her biological dad, but her adoptive father (mother's EX) has since remarried and there is no room in his home for her. I also believe the new wife wants nothing to do with the drama that has surrounded b-mom. So are the days of our lives!!

It seems that all she has is you guys to look up to really. In some situations, there is a point that some stepping back be done. My daughter's birthfather was killed in a car accident when she was 20 months, and after a few months, I was in an unhealthy place. Her a parents wrote a letter saying that at this point for all of us, they needed to step back and contacted a counselor from the adoption agency for me. It hurt, but it was the right decision for all. It helped me a lot. After some time, we reconnected, and I was at a better place. I want nothing more than to be a good influence to my daughter, and let her be proud of me. I hope that is the way that your child's bmom feels too. She is so young though, that she may not be dealing with it all properly. My daughter's parents adopted again, the bmom was 16. She sometimes had the attitude that they were taking care of her son until he was older and could come visit or live with her... instead of a forever family. It sounds as if your baby's bmom has been through ALOT and I would reach out to her and let her know of your concern and get her in touch with some counseling RIGHT AWAY. Did you go through an agency? They give birthmothers counseling throughout their lives, that's what they are there to do. My prayers are with you, and as the child's mother and father, you have those children as your number one priority. My prayers are also with the bmom because she is in an awful situation... that guy needs to go and stop manipulating her. She was just a child when he victimized her, and he will continue to do it. He does not love her, he is manipulating her because she doesn't know any better. That's another rant entirely! Take care! Christy

We adopted thru Washington State foster care. There was a pick-up order put on our son but she asked to go too when they came to pick him up too. Weird I know. Two weeks later she was begging the foster mother to "find a home for him...I want to be a kid again!" I talked to her and she claims the comments made about "I love our baby no matter where he is" were not made by Bear's bio-father, but rather her EX boyfriend. So now I wonder how many of her boyfriends now believe our son is theirs?? It is so disturbing to me. I get this feeling from her...like I am more of a legal babysitter than a legal mother. The only person she refers to in a family member role is DH...he is "daddy"...otherwise it is our names or "DH's girls" Never mom, sisters, brother, etc.