How did you know you were NOT ready?

I have mixed thoughts on the subject.We adopted our first two at 23, but we had been married five years. Looking back from our current age of fifty, we realize if we had had more maturity then, some of the problems we encountered might have had better outcomes. But then again, we aren't sorry we had our kids while we were young, either. Mixed opinions, like I said.Some agencies have requirements for how soon a married couple can adopt. Our agency required five years of marriage at a minimum.It sounds like things are pretty stable for you in spite of the ups and downs you've experienced, since you both have your educations, a house, good jobs, etc.I think you and your husband will have to decide together when the time is right for you to adopt. You and he are the ones who know yourselves and each other and your goals and comfort zones best. In the meantime, you can start doing the legwork. Adoption can be a long, involved process. Start compiling information about agencies or lawyers you might want to work with. Find out about special needs kids, if that's of interest to you. If it is, do very thorough research into the types of special needs you think you could handle. Attend some orientation meetings for various agencies and find out what their procedures are, approximate costs, waiting times, what types of children they place. If you're interested in adopting internationally, check with INS and see what that will entail. There's much to do before you really commit to going forward, and you can stop the process entirely or delay it at any time if it gets overwhelming or you decide the time isn't right.We're sort of on the other end of the spectrum, currently debating if we want to re-start adopting, since our kids are now grown and long gone. We have mixed feelings about that prospect, too. I don't think uncertainty about such a life-changing event ever completely goes away.Good luck! You're about to embark on an exciting, scary, and sometimes frustrating journey.

I was married at the age of 19 (to my soul mate might I add) and had the 5 year waiting plan in mind. Shortly into the marriage I was told I probably had Endrometrios and might want to consider starting my family. Needless to say there was no question in my heart, and have never regretted for a moment my choice to become a parent earlier than planned.. I don't feel like I should have been more settled. I have had a newborn at the age of 21 and the age of 39. Now with that said, I was much more relaxed at 39 but totally loved every stage of all my children. I guess what you need to decide is now that the "urgency" so to speak is gone, what does your heart say? Good luck.

Very true. :) We adopted the first two babies when each of us was 23...the next baby at 25. Our agency overseas (we lived there then) required three years of marriage. We had to wait a few months to meet that requirement, and after we submitted our paperwork, it was only a few months before we 'got the call'. In our late thirties, we went through the 'older child adoption route' with the foster care system. Adopted three boys through two separate adoption situations. This didn't work well for us at all. And finally, in our mid-forties, we decided to go the baby route again with domestic agency adoption. Your dh is older than you. In my book, that makes a difference too.... But, I'm a firm believer in making sure the two of you have had what you consider enough time together before bringing a baby on board. We both had dated for three years before marriage; and then, of course, married for three years before babies. We felt this was enough time. It may be different for you. Maybe the two of you should sit down (if you haven't already) and actually list what you want out of life. Sounds silly, I know....but we're big ones on writing things out as 'pros and cons'. Do you still want to do some traveling? Do you still want to do more studying for further education? Are you both where you want to be......'sorta', or 'very much so'? These are big questions for big decisions, and no matter what you do, what empty-nest said will always be in the back of your mind. (Doesn't help at all, does it? LOL) But, I'll end with this too. When dh and I were living in AZ in the first two years of our marriage, we belonged to a church that had a lovely 'older' couple with two children. ("Older' back then was in their 30's! LOL) But, they told us that they'd waited to have children---for a variety of reasons...but one reason was to assure that they'd have enough $$ to raise a child. They told us they felt they'd been wrong to do so. They realized, after having the first baby, that one always worries whether they'll have enough $$. And, at least for them, they wished they'd started having their babies sooner... Nowadays, parents are often much older when having their babies. (Heavens, dh and I are living proof of that one...though we've just been on this type of continum, KWIM? :) ) But, life is life. If you have hesitations to having a baby, that's normal, as long as they aren't strong regrets of 'ohhh gee, we really wanted to (fill in the blank)'. Best of luck whatever you decide; and if you decide to pursue adoption--now----I know you'll take the time and energy to do well in finding good resources. ;) Sincerely, Linny

I agree with making a list. Include the pros and cons of starting your adoption journey now vs. waiting. But don't think of it as a score card, exactly. It's not a one for one list, where having more items on the pro side or vice versa means that side 'wins'. One BIG con might outweigh ten pro points. But a list might help you define what your mindset is right now. And it also might help you realize your trepidation is caused by a lot of trivial things, or on the flip side, some very major things.I also think your husband's age makes a difference. How old does he want to be when your kids hit college, for example? What other considerations will your respective ages require, pro and con? Don't let that be the deciding factor, but it's one of many things to consider.Also realize there's not usually a perfect time to start a family. If you wait for perfection, you might never move ahead. That doesn't mean you should leap in blindly, but just understand it's not likely to ever have everything just perfect.When we adopted our first two, we had asked for two sisters ages 2 and 4. We were told that would be relatively easy to make happen, but it would take 2-3 years for such a referral to come up. Great, we thought. In that time, we would have student loans paid off, some other bills taken care of, money put away to pay for the other country's fees, some more in savings, have money to pay cash for a car, etc, etc. Two weeks after our home study was completed, we got a referral for two girls ages 4 and 6. We accepted that referral, mortgaged literally everything we owned except our dog and our hamsters to pay for the Korea fees, bought a car with a loan, and still had all our other bills. Not a perfect situation, but we managed just fine and got through it without any catastrophes. No matter how you plan it, something will probably change anyway, so try to relax a bit and go with the flow. It's important to consider things as much as you can beforehand of course, but if you really feel the need to move forward and your husband feels the same, IMO just go for it.

I think this is right---I didn't get married until I was 38, and we'd been married for a year when we started trying to have a family, a year and a half later we found we weren't good candidates for IVF, and we started down our adoption path. 9 months later (ironic, no? ) we brought H home. When we did our premarital counseling sessions, we weren't even certain we wanted children. Fast forward a year and I'm sitting at Mass having "baby tugs". I think it was just a matter of feeling like I had reached the point in my life where I had more to give to someone else than I needed to keep for myself. So it wasn't so much a matter of knowing that I WASN'T ready before that (because I think you get ready when you have to) but being really certain about when I WAS ready and going out to seek it. Maybe you're at the point where you're ready to go seek it. As everyone says, there are pros and cons to any age for parenting.

I think you all are right....each person must make their decision based on what they feel is right for you and your dh. I wish I could have predicted when was the right time to have children....but you know what...I wouldn't change the timing of our children for anything but thats because it was right for dh and I. Relax and you will know when its the right time for you both.... You take care and let us know when your adoption journey begins.

I think it already has. :love:

Empty_Nest how cool! Can't wait to hear more details!!!

Thanks, Michelle, but I didn't mean us! I meant the OP's journey has already begun, by her posting here looking for info and obviously considering adoption. That means the wheels are already turning for her.We're still thinking about it, but it's not very likely. Especially since I started reading a book called Families at Risk, which is about protecting yourself from false abuse allegations. Since we'd be looking at a child 10-15 years old, that's a real concern for us.

Lol Empty_Nest I wish you also good luck. But yes reading and gaining information before adopting is priceless! Good luck on your decision. We support you on your decision.

I had a complette hysterectomy, asfter 2 yeawrs of fertility treatments, at the age of 26. I was divorced shortly after. I remarried at 30 and my husband and I have now been married for 11 years and we are now adopting a baby boy. While some of my freinds are getting their kids ready for college, I am barelly getting started, but I do not regret it because my husband and I have had a great time together and are now ready to srat a family. I have a freind who just had her child at 41 years old and does not regret having waiting. She is beaming with joy.I pray that you will really come together as a "team" to deceide when to adopt. Reme,ber to enjoy being a wife as much as you can. Enjoy your husband. I will be praying for you!

Thank you for all your thoughts and stories! I truly appreciate all the advice. I know it's a decision that dh and I need to make on our own, and we will, but it's reassuring to hear other's stories and struggles about the same issue. Thank you!