How can I support my friend?

I am sorry for your friend. Let her grieve as this is a loss for her and her family. Listen to her and take her cues. Let her rant and rave if she needs to. Let her cry if she needs to. I wouldn't talk negativily about what happened as it is the bmom right to parent. I'm sure it was a difficult decision for her. Your friend needs exactly that a friend to lean on. I hope she finds some peace quickly.

Call her. Take her out for lunch, let her talk. We had a terrifying visit from our adoption coordinator after H had been home w/ us for 10 weeks. They'd finally found his bdad and he was Native American, which meant the tribe could interfere. And he's part of a tribe that routinely DOES interfere. Didn't happen in the end, but it was SO scary and sad. My best friend called that morning and was at my house 20 minutes later. Took me to lunch, spent the afternoon w/ me. Just made me feel better. I don't know if she will ever really know how much good her mere presence did me that day.

I had a friend that had a failed adoption (similar situation). I treated it like a still birth. I sent flowers and a card that said, "sorry for your loss". Then let her grieve just as though she had had a still birth. What ever you do, don't tell her that it will be alright, that you understand, or that "there is the right baby out there". Just tell her you are sorry for her loss.

Thank you all for your thoughts! Question: I have a 10-month-old son. If I do see her, would it be better not to bring him along? I don't want seeing my baby to cause her pain :(

I don't think seeing your baby will cause her pain BUT I know when I was having a bad time (not adoption related) my friend came over to talk and I really appreciated she didn't bring her 1yo because we could talk uninterrupted. I felt like I had her full attention which was really nice. Now, I have also had bad days when I stop by her house SPECIFICALLY for a baby hug so I guess you never know. :) It's great you want to be a good friend!!

I agree 100% w/ Oceans----she'll see him eventually anyway, and it's not like you can keep her sheltered from seeing children, so that's not the reason not to bring him, but I know I can't have any kind of uninterrupted conversation when H is around.

I belong to a "buddy" group on another forum. One of our friends (who didn't live close by) went thru two situations like this...Each time, we collected money and sent her flowers...She said they really cheered her up. Another thing that is "delicate" is that my friends who had failed matches went on to adopt and they always say there was a "reason" things happened the way they did. But when you are in that situation, I don't think you really want to hear that right then, kwim? So I think it's OK just to hold her hand, spend time with her, etc. (I think also if you can go baby-less, that would be great, if only for the lack of interruptions). You are a GREAT friend and I am sure she really appreciates your support!

Hi A! It's "namegirl" here. :-)I've been praying for M so hard. I hope they can find hope in all of this.

Does she have any other children? The day we lost S a good friend came and took our older son so that we could just cry. Then while we were gone one day another friend came in and cleaned out her room. It was all moved to the garage but it was better than finding her clothes in her room. I think now almost four months later I am ready to paint her room. The only thing that will help is time and hugs. Laura

I'm just going to give you my opinion based upon a late-term miscarriage I had after jumping through hoops to get pregnant (I feel these two situations are much the same because both leave you grieving the loss of a child you wanted SO badly) I agree with most here---let her talk, cry, ask why her, etc. I, personally, could not handle seeing my friends' children for a little while and could NOT attend my one friends' baby shower. I loved her and wanted her to feel joy, but it just hurt too bad to go and pretend that I was ecstatic that day. And I would have had to deal with the looks of pity. It passed but consider that when thinking about taking your child with you. I disagree with some on here....it may cause her pain. Rational, maybe not.....but my feelings were all over the place for awhile. My brother and his girlfriend found out they were "accidentally" pregnant the week I had to have my D&C. She felt so guilty even talking pregnancy with me, but after time I was ok. I got pregnant again (this time ending in a healthy baby boy) the week she gave birth to her child. Coincidence--I think not. Still, we didn't tell anyone for awhile and everytime I saw her, which was quite often, she would thrust her baby into my arms. It was like she felt guilty for having a healthy baby and loving it in front of me so she handed him over. Which I gladly took him, but I had to explain that it was OK that she had a healthy pregnancy and happy baby!! So expect some guilt on your part for having that happy go lucky kid of yours when she is suffering so. Just normal. I did NOT want to hear about how it was God's will. I am a Christian and know there is a plan for each of us, but when you are going though that and wondering why God allowed you to get pregnant in the first place just to lose the baby, you do NOT want to hear that. She is wondering why that expectant mom chose her and why it got this far only to have him taken from her. I also agree not to say "your baby is out there and you will find it" etc. Also, something she knows but does not want to hear. Let her know that you will be there for her this week, next month, this summer, etc. because I never knew when or where something would trigger a relapse. The preacher said something about abortion and I lost it. If we sang "Because He Lives" and I had to hear the verse about "how sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the love and joy he gives" I would have to leave the building. Too much.... and you never know what her triggers will be....his favorite toy, a child with his name, etc. and she will need continued support for quite some time. So be prepared for the long haul. If she does have older children, I whole-heartedly agree with lmitch. My older child was 10 at the time and he hurt for me and could not stand to see me hurting so. On bad days, I would have to ask family and friends to entertain him for a little bit. My best friends brought food for the week so I could just grieve and be depressed. I needed it. I probably would not have eaten if not for them. They could come and just hug me....no words necessary. Tell her when she is ready to "re-do" the nursery that you can help but in my case I kept it just like it was and covered everything in sheets so I wouldn't have to look at it if I opened the door. These are just some things that I know I felt. Not everyone is the same. Kim

Hi, "Namegirl"! Small Internet, huh? :) lmitch and XX: Sadly, they don't have other kids ... this was to be their first little one. But I will see if they need help taking out any baby stuff -- that's something I wouldn't have thought of.