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I'm glad I found this forum. Any thoughts will be appreciated! We're in the middle of a foster to adopt situation and are having trouble. When our FD started misbehaving, we were actually a little thankful, because it meant she had stopped honeymooning and we were getting to see the real kid in there. That was in late August. However, her behavior has continued to deteriorate, and we have had to put her in residential care twice in Jan, she was released both times after their minimum stay (two different placements) despite our repeated warnings that she would say ANYTHING in order to get out. She was sweet and compliant the whole time she was there, and there was a lot of talk about family counseling (which we have been doing since October) and repeated training for us on effective arguing. The second place switched her meds, now we have a different kid, with no arguing, but continued defiance and lots of talk about doing drugs, last night she said she sets the alarm on her iPod to get up at 4:20, she's going to get married (!) on 4-20, she told us she doesn't lie to her boyfriend but she does lie to us (not news, also know she's lied to him). She was mad this weekend because we wouldn't let her go to a party at his house, and told us Monday that he was so messed up he threw up 4 (!) times, and slept in someone else's vomit, and seemed to think this was funny and cool. (Eeewww) My biggest concern is for our 2 year old, he worships her and wants to be like her, what a stellar example she's setting! In addition, she knows that we will do what it takes to protect him and I'm so very afraid she will do something to him to get at us. He is so young, and we have to protect him. We can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth, good or bad, and because she has acted out in so many ways (taking drugs, stealing, having sex, running away, name it) I'm afraid she's running out of ways to misbehave and that some kind of perpetration on him may be next.
I will be meeting with the caseworker tomorrow for our monthly meeting, and will try and talk to her about it, she's always been very supportive, but I just don't know what to do. At this point, I'm scared, maybe I'm making up boogie men, but the complete lack of trust I have now doesn't leave me much wiggle room.
Any perspectives anyone has will be appreciated. I do care about this kid, but she's not to only one I have to consider. It would break our hearts to have to disrupt this (paperwork for the adoption is already being prepared) but do I have the right to continue if it might harm my other kid? When do you have to say enough? Or am I way off base and paranoid?
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Try to find therapists and other professionals who are familiar with the problems adopted kids have. Otherwise, you will be beating your head against the wall because they'll all blame her behavior on you, not on the situation or her past. Blaming you is non-productive and frustrating for everyone involved.Our oldest daughter was like yours, perfect behavior outside the home and a holy terror in it. She's scared of that familial connection, and possibly she's started to bond with you, which is also scary considering all the adults who have let her down in the past. Who wants to bond and set themselves up for more hurt?She may be worried about the upcoming adoption. It's easy to deal with people who don't have any emotional connection to you, but it's another story to deal with people who love you and whom you love but are afraid to love.
One of my last points in my list of 'considerations when accepting a placement of an older child'....is something like this:
Consider that the child's behaviors won't get any better. Could you parent that child if this were the case? Many children do not get better after being placed in a home. This may be something you'll have to deal with for a long time.
If this child is causing problems now...significant problems you feel are too intrusive to your youger child. IMO, it's time to say, 'This won't work.'
Believe me, our family went through with an adoption we felt several months into, would NOT work---but we felt, "Gee, if WE don't adopt him, WHO will?"
We should have watched and listened to what was truly going on. Our lives lived to tell the tale, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
From our experience, don't look for the caseworker to be very sympathetic. In our case, the cw'er tried to make us feel guilty for wanting to disrupt. Sadly, the child went into RTC (residential) and aged out there. No one's interests were served; other than keeping the kid out of harm's way, and away from harming others.
Some older children are just too damaged to live in traditional homes; and some children are not a good match to a family...that doesn't make the family or them-bad...it's just a bad match.
But, a bad match doesn't get better when you add in adoption. Believe me.
Sincerely,
Linny
